


Match Me

by tellthenight



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Blood, Blowjobs, Claustrophobia, Dark, Destiel - Freeform, Eventual Happy Ending, Hospitals, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Masturbation, Mentions of Suicide, Minor Character Death, Murder, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Slow Build Castiel/Dean Winchester, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-29
Updated: 2015-12-17
Packaged: 2018-04-23 22:09:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 83,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4894198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tellthenight/pseuds/tellthenight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Singer has spent his entire life watching friends and family find their true soulmate and has endured the endless questions about when he might find his. Everyone thinks his biggest problem is the fact that he’s closing in on 30 and he is one of the unfortunate people who will never have a name over his heart. But Dean’s real problems begin when a relentless P.I. tracks him down sent by someone who claims to be his soulmate. Dean knows without a fact that it’s not possible and he has to do everything he can to get rid of him before he figures out what Dean is really hiding.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Little Message

**Author's Note:**

> A little note about TAGS and WARNINGS: If you think something should be tagged and isn't PLEASE tell me! I definitely want to tag everything that should be tagged and I appreciate your help in making sure that part of the fic is as correct as possible.
> 
> For the purposes of this story Jo Harvelle is not Ellen's daughter. Ellen has been appropriated as Bobby's wife.
> 
> This is not a fluffy soulmate AU, but I hope you enjoy it anyway.

“I swear all I do every weekend is go to weddings, Sam.” Dean walked with Sam back from the bar, whiskey in one hand. Sam carried two glasses, one for himself and one for his wife. Most everyone’s eyes were focused on the dance floor where Benny and Andrea were going to have their first dance.

 

“That’s because everyone we know is getting matched. It will slow down soon.”

 

Madison thanked Sam when he handed her the glass and cuddled into his side. Sam put an arm around her and Dean had to turn away, pretending to be interested in the bride and groom. He was interested in so far as Benny was a good friend and he’d known Andrea a long time too, but really, at a wedding, it’s all for the couple. Dean wasn’t really interested in watching them have their first dance or cut the cake or oohing and ahhing at any of the wedding things.

 

The only wedding he had ever really cared about was Sam’s, but that was nearly two years ago. He and Madison were a perfect fit, complimenting each other in several ways. Of course three years earlier Sam had been perfectly happy and deeply in love with a girl named Jess until Madison’s name had shown up over his heart. He had been determined to keep Jess anyway, to be one of the few couples that went against their match, but Jess wouldn’t do it. She broke it off, saying she wanted to be with her “real soulmate” which had nearly crushed Sam. Dean had spent weeks making sure Sam went to work and fed himself while he worked his way through that breakup. Madison came into his life just a few days after Sam had decided he was done moping and the wedding happened about six months later.

 

“They look so happy,” Madison said, and they did. Benny and Andrea had been together even before they were marked with each others’ names and still they waited two more years before getting married. Most people didn’t wait to get married once they’d been marked, but Benny had insisted that they really know each other first and it had paid off for them. Benny leaned to kiss his new bride as they swayed back and forth to the music and a giant “awwwww” went up from the crowd of friends and family gathered for the event.

 

Some weddings were planned so quickly that the couple-to-be didn’t know the first thing about their future partner’s preferences. It seemed to work out okay for most people though, so the tradition of quick marriage carried on- Sam and Madison marriage within six months of meeting seemed pretty average in this age of soulmate relationships.

 

“Why did you have to bring Meg?” Sam asked.

 

“Because all the marked girls are waiting for their princes and I like to get laid once in awhile.”

 

Sam rolled his eyes. “True love at it’s finest.”

 

“Who said anything about love?” Dean asked. Meg was across the dance floor at the bar getting drinks. She smirked back at Dean. She was kind of a bitch, but they were both in the same place in life and sometimes that was all it took to have a sort of understanding. Meg wasn’t a love connection- she was his booty call and he was hers.

 

Meg snaked her way through the crowd with a drink in each hand and delivered Dean’s glass with a little flourish. She ran a light hand up his tie and pulled on it when she was close to the knot. He bent his ear to her lips and she whispered about the hotel room she had upstairs and her plans for the evening. Meg slid her hand into his pocket and left it a little heavier. Her teeth slid over her bottom lip and released it, plump and wet in front of him and he met her eyes with a raised eyebrow.

 

“I’m a little tired,” she said, walking her fingers back down the tie and stopping perilously close to parts already interested. Dean watched her walk away with a slightly open mouth and Sam hit him in the shoulder.

 

“Don’t be gross.”

 

Dean shook his head. “I’ll see you Monday night. If anyone notices tell them… tell them I wasn’t feeling well.”

 

“That much is obvious.”  
  


Dean fought the urge to pummel his brother like he would have done if they were still kids. Sam didn’t understand what it was like to be part of the very small percent of the population that was unmatched, but his understanding was based more on what he thought it might be like than how Dean actually described. He was a kid and he didn’t get it. Dean had made his peace with it long before but that didn’t stop him from being annoyed when Sam spoke out of ignorance. He would turn thirty in a few months and no one received a match at that age. It was done, and he’d have his fun with girls like Meg that went unmatched too. Maybe one of them would turn into someone he could be happy with. Maybe not soulmate happy, but content at least.

 

He took the elevator up to Meg’s floor and pulled the keycard from his pocket. She would be waiting in there and she would do unholy amazing things with him and then they’d go back to normal like nothing happened for a few weeks until one of them called up again. Maybe this was okay. At least for now.

 

Dean slid the card and pushed the door open.

 

“That was quick.” Meg was still in her slinky black dress and high heels, but she sat on the bed knees together primly like she had no idea why they were both there.

 

“I didn’t want to make you wait.”

 

Meg’s eyebrow popped up into a high arch. “I have this room all night. Let’s not do this all too quickly.”

 

Dean stepped forward so that their knees touched and he started to loosen his tie. “You seemed to have a pretty thorough plan downstairs.” He nudged her knees open so that he could stand between them. Her dress pushed up to mid-thigh when she moved and Dean took a breath.

 

“Plans can change.” She looked up at him as she reached for the tie now loose around his neck. She pulled him to her and he followed along, kissing her, sucking in the lower lip she had teased him with earlier and letting it go from between his teeth. One side of her mouth slid up into a half smile and she shook her head at him, her dark eyes focused on his.

 

“I want that,” she said, nodding to the tie around his neck. Dean loosened it further and undid the knot while she watched and handed it to her.

 

“Jacket.” Meg leaned back on her hands and watched as Dean straightened before sliding the jacket from his shoulders. He folded it over the arm of a chair and returned, his knees bumping hers.

 

Meg sat up straight and slid a finger into the front of his black pants slowly untucking his crisp white collared shirt. “You won’t cry, will you?”

 

Dean laughed. “Are you going to try to make me?”

 

Meg shrugged. “Maybe. I haven’t decided yet.”

 

Dean’s whole body responded to her words and she smiled as she started to unbutton his shirt, from the bottom. She stood to get the top buttons, her body pressed firmly to his. Dean pressed a hand to the small of her back as Meg freed the last button. Her hand slid down his chest over firm muscle and stopped at the line of his pants, sliding back and forth over the edge.

 

“There are so many ways to have you,” she said. “It’s always hard to pick just one.”

 

“Then don’t,” Dean tipped her face to his and kissed her. She rose to meet him, body firmly tucked against his in as many places as they could possibly make contact. He held her tight at the back of the neck and had the other hand at her waist like he had to keep her in place. She worked her tongue against his and immediately withdrew when he started to lay her back on the bed.

 

“On your back, sweetheart,” she said. Dean didn’t move to comply right away and Meg pushed herself out of his arms completely. “Are we doing this? Or do you just want to fuck me quick like you do with all the other unmarked girls?”

 

“No…” Dean sat on the bed and and scooted up a little farther, his dress shirt flopping open to the sides as he laid down.

 

Meg knelt on the bed next to him, “If you think that’s what I’m here for-”

 

“No, Meg. Just-”

 

“Shut up.” It was a soft order, but he knew not to break it or she’d be gone and he’d be left hard and alone. Not that he couldn’t take care of that situation on his own, but he didn’t want to- not anymore. Meg leaned over him and licked him- a quick flick across his lips and then she was running her tongue down his jaw and to his neck. She bit and sucked there, slow in each motion and Dean fought to keep his arms down. He knew her- knew what she would ask for, where this would all lead, but he also knew she’d call the whole thing if any of it went out of order.

 

Meg moved over his body, settling one knee on each side of his rib cage. Her dress had pushed up even farther in the process and Dean swallowed at the sight of her draped over him. She leaned down, breasts obscuring his view of her curved hips and her breath was at his ear.

 

“I’m going to stand up and when you pull your shit together you can have me. But when you finally fuck me, you better make me come harder than you ever have before if you want to ever fuck me again.”

 

Meg met his eyes before she backed off, walking her body slowly backwards to the end of the bed and when she reached the floor she stood up slowly and smiled, sly and chilling- but it pulled something up in Dean that he had only found with her. Meg turned around and her head tipped slightly to the side, like she was baring her neck for him.

 

Dean slid the tie to the end of the bed and left it there, though he laid it out straight. Meg would notice the precision. He took note of the way her dress fastened in the back and how he might get it off of her without destroying the thing. He stood behind her, almost close enough to touch and certainly close enough to get a little acknowledgement from her body in the form of goosebumps rising. He slid around her though, then around the edge of the bed and into the bathroom where he turned on the light. Back out into the hotel room where he turned off everything to leave just the right amount of light to be able to see her give in to him when the time came.

 

He came to stand in front of her again and her smile grew saucy again. “Are you going to stare me to orgasm or are you already admitting that you can’t top the last time?”

 

Dean reached around her,very careful not to touch her body with his. He could feel her nerves in the way she swallowed, the way her chest heaved just enough to nearly touch him, and he relished in it as he undid the small clasp at the top of her dress.

 

“I thought we hit the quiet part of the game.” Dean said, and he slowly unzipped the back of her dress, all the way down past the dip at her waist and the deep curve of her ass. He let his fingertips drag past her hips and a touch at the wrist and then back to his own body to remove his white dress shirt. Meg’s gaze flicked to his chest and back to his eyes, but Dean grinned at her.

 

“Having a hard time waiting, are we?”

 

“Quiet. Part.” she said, but the spark in her eye encouraged him on. Dean reached to her shoulder and drew the strap down on one side, then on the other and the black dress fell to the floor. Beneath it Meg had gone simple with a black thong and black bra that barely contained her.

 

Dean kissed her deep, no urgency behind the move, just doing what he could because they had the night. She returned his efforts and after a moment he walked her back to the bed. Just as she would have hit the edge with her legs he turned her so that her back was pressed against his chest. He ran a hand hard down her body, fingertips hitting the edge of her thong and sliding back up to push up her bra and get to her breast. He rubbed lightly over the nipple once, giving it the barest hint of interest before he moved under her bra to the other breast. He grabbed hard at this one and Meg gasped at the change. He held her hip with the other hand and leaned down to lick her neck at the side she’d left open to him. He sucked in one place making sure to leave it dark and then drew his teeth over it as a final message. For this moment she belonged to him, at least until she moved on to the next guy- and when she came back around for him in a few weeks he’d mark her again for a night.

 

Dean released her long enough to unhook her bra and slide it from her arms. He let it drop to the floor as he grabbed the tie from the bed. He pulled Meg’s wrists back and tied them behind her waist, careful not to catch her long dark waves. And when he turned her back to him she had a small grin on her face.

 

“It will take more than this,” she said.

 

Dean ignored her, pulling her to him by the shoulders and kissing her again, this time the deep and reasonable part gone. He had her how he liked her, quiet and a little tied down. He’d get her on the bed and do everything she wanted, fuck her just the way she liked and for one night he wouldn’t feel alone.

 

***************

 

“Hey, lover boy. You have a message.”

 

“You answered my phone?” Dean was still foggy from sleep and hangover and he couldn’t open his eyes- not yet. It was too early for a Sunday morning wakeup call.

 

“No, genius. You better get up and look.”

 

“What the fuck, Meg. Just tell me.”

 

“You have a fucking match on your chest, idiot.”

 

That woke him up. Den was out of bed before his body realized it and he reeled against the wall, scrabbling for something to hold onto and finally just collapsing there, half upright until he could get the world to stop shifting. He made it to the bathroom and stared at the words for a moment before he went looking for his clothes. Boxers and pants first, then he sat on the bed to pull on socks and Meg sat next to him, the comforter wrapped around her.

 

“Congratulations to Miss Cassie Robinson.“

 

“I don’t know her.” Dean kept his eyes down, looking everywhere for his shoes. One close, the other kicked over by the chair.

 

“Doesn’t seem to matter. You’ll find her in the database and get all soulmated and happily-ever-after.”

 

Dean ignored her as he slipped into his shoes and started to button his shirt.

 

“What’s the matter? I know she’s probably not expecting someone of your advanced age, but-”

 

“Shut up, Meg.”

 

She scoffed at him as he shrugged into his jacket and pulled the keys to the Impala out of the pocket.

 

“So I guess this is over, right? Now that you have a perfect match.”

 

Dean looked her dead in the eye. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

**************

 

It never hurt to leave Meg any other time, but this time it really was the end of the little arrangement they had going. All the other times he’d been able to cover up, but now that she had seen it she wouldn’t want to see him again. It was too close to cheating if he knew he had a match out there and Meg Masters was a lot of things, but she wasn’t a cheater.

 

Dean grabbed a cab home and went directly for the shower when he got there.  He scrubbed all over, but especially at the name on his chest. He knew it wouldn’t wash off, but he didn’t want it there either and the effort to eradicate it from his body at least made him feel like he was doing something to alleviate the problem.

 

As he got dressed he saw a few missed texts from Sam then a flurry of missed calls. He scrolled through the texts to see what was going on- maybe something with their dad, something at work- and then the phone rang again and he answered Sam.

 

“Hey, sorry. I was in the shower. Is dad okay?”

 

“Yeah. Are you?”

 

“Um, yeah. Why?”

 

“I ran into Meg.”

 

 _Shit._ “And?”

 

“Are you seriously not going to tell me that you got a name? Have you looked her up yet? Or is it someone we know?”

 

“Sam, just leave it alone, okay? Meg was wrong.”

 

“There’s no way. I mean you guys had gross disturbing sex, right? So she obviously saw your chest.”

 

Dean sighed heavy and loud. He wanted Sam to know exactly how much he hated everything he was saying. “She’s wrong, okay? No name, no one to look up. Go back to your perfect life.”

 

“Dean,” Sam’s voice dropped into actual concern. “Why would she say that if-”

 

“Because she’s fucking Meg Masters- that’s why,” Dean said. “She’s the queen of bullshit and deception. Just do me a favor and don’t talk to her about me.”

 

“So then I guess that’s over between you two.”

 

Dean scraped a hand down his face like it would magically rewind the previous six hours or so. All he needed was a tiny re-do. “There was nothing really between us, it was just a- you know- benefits thing.”

 

“But not any more.”

 

“God, Sam- no. Not any more. Do you feel better now?”

 

“Actually, yes.”

 

“Then leave me the fuck alone so I can get some sleep before I have to work.”

 

Dean hung up and laid back on his bed. He could probably put Sam off for a week. Maybe longer depending on how he handled it and if Meg butted in again. But Sam would be nosy and push for visual confirmation because he was an asshole little brother. If he could hold him off a week the name would be gone just like all the others.

 


	2. Novak

The Roadhouse was dead on Sunday nights. They had a semi-regular dinner crowd that would come for burgers, beer, and music, but the drinkers at the bar were the standard guys that came in most every night. Dean was grateful for the slow evening since he’d never gotten back to sleep before his shift, He could pour for these guys all night and even get things cleaned up for Ellen without passing clean out.

 

He heard trouble before he saw it. They were loud at the door and loud when they sat down, but the most surprising part was that it was the short guy on the right that was the loudest.

 

“Soulmate bullshit!” he cried.

 

Dean leaned toward the two men that had just planted themselves at his bar. “If you can keep it down I can get your drinks.”

 

The short guy looked up at him. His eyes were red and he looked like shit. “They’re supposed to stay forever. Soulmates…”

 

“A couple beers- whatever will get him drunk fast.” The british accent threw Dean off, but he went ahead and got what he asked for, returning quickly. He told him to keep them coming, and promised to keep his friend quiet. The door dinged again and Dean glanced up and past a trench coat and dark hair.

 

“Just keep him quiet.” He muttered to the british guy and went back down to the other end to check on the regulars.

 

Crying soulmate dude mostly kept his rambling between the two of them and when he had a few drinks in him his buddy hauled him out. Trenchcoat guy had been next to them and he gave Dean a look like he was glad to see them go. He was nursing the same beer he’d ordered an hour earlier though, so Dean was pretty sure the tip would be squat- if he got one at all. But something about him kept catching Dean’s eye- probably the way he seemed to hold his eyes open wider than everyone else, and the way the blue of his irises stood out even in the dim light.

 

Blue Eyes caught Dean’s glance as he stood to leave and he held up a wad of cash and left it on the bar for him along with a nod. Dean finished what he was doing and went down the bar to collect his tip. He already knew he wouldn’t leave anything significant, but cash was cash- especially on a slow night like this. He shoved it into the jar under the bar and went on with his night.

 

When Dean went through everything in prep to close he caught a business card folded into the cash. The front of the card read Castiel Novak along with a number, but no indication of what line of work he might be in. A message was scrawled on the back: _We should talk. Please call me._ Dean read it twice before dismissing it. There was absolutely no way he was calling a random from the bar no matter how blue his eyes, and there was absolutely no way he was possibly getting involved with anyone while he had a name on his chest. He threw the card out with the rest of the trash.

 

**************

 

Dean reached the garage a little before noon- no later than usual, but still too late for his dad’s taste. It took an additional 20 minutes before he could actually get to work due to the lecture and Bobby clapped him on the shoulder when he made it out to the floor.

 

“Thought he was gonna’ bark at you for over an hour this time.”

 

“He knows I’m working for Ellen too-”

 

“You think he remembers anything most of the time? The man hasn’t had a sober moment in eight years.” Bobby squeezed his shoulder and pushed Dean in the direction of the office. “Go pick up a job and get back out here.”

 

Dean trudged to the office ready for another lecture to come, but Meg twisted her lips into her trademark smirk and handed him a file without saying a word. He flipped through before dropping it into his bin.. He retrieved the key to the vehicle from Meg and left without a word. Working was escape- escape from Meg, his father, the guy with the blue eyes that had woken him gasping and wet that morning. He felt like a teenager cleaning up from that one and even though he was the only one that knew about it just remembering it made his face hot with embarrassment. He glanced side to side to make sure no one else saw his unexpected red glow and dug into the car he’d been assigned.

 

The only words between the two of them had been when the guy ordered his beer. He had smiled at Dean every time he brought another round to the crying guy and nodded to him once from across the bar. Dean had nodded back, and maybe that was the moment the guy had decided to include his card with the cash. The nod must have been some kind of code Dean didn’t know about.

 

Dean shook his head like he could erase Castiel Novak. Erase the kind way he’d tolerated the pair sitting next to him, the way he had quietly acknowledged Dean like he was something more than a bartender, the way he had essentially asked him out without risking outing him to the entire bar…

 

 _Enough._ There was a name on his chest and until that was gone he wouldn’t be seeing anyone. Besides- the number was in the trash and that was that. Castiel Novak would be ‘the one that got away’ for a while and after a few weeks he would fade out of his brain. And after a few months Dean wouldn’t even be here anymore and the garage, the bar and Castiel Novak would be nothing but his life before.

 

He finished with the car he was working on and went back to Meg to update the file and hand over the key.

 

“You have a request,” Meg said as he wrote down the work he had done.

 

“What’s that?” He asked warily, ready for a cutting remark.

 

“A guy is in the waiting room and he asked for you specifically to work on his car.”

 

“He’ll have to wait his turn like everyone else.”

 

“He paid your dad two hundred bucks to have you take him next.”

 

Dean reached for the file without looking at Meg. He was already halfway around the counter to the waiting room and when he pushed open the door and the little bell rang he wanted to say he was surprised.

 

Castiel Novak looked up at him expectantly and stood when he saw it was Dean at the door.

 

“Mr. Novak?” Dean pretended to read it from the file. Mr. Novak walked over to meet him and Dean didn’t look up as he approached. “What can I do for you today?”

 

“Something’s wrong with my car so I need you to fix it.”

 

“What’s the trouble?”

 

“Um, that’s what you’re supposed to figure out right? I’m not a mechanic.”

 

Dean gritted his teeth and kept his eyes on the chart he was supposed to be filling out. “I mean, is it making a noise? Like a rattle or a whining sound or anything? Is it doing something it isn’t supposed to do?”

 

“Yeah. There’s some kind of noise.”

 

Dean looked up at him then, and Mr. Novak was looking him straight in the eye. He clearly wasn’t stupid, and Dean narrowed his eyes at him. “Please be more specific.”

 

“I can point it out if you let me come along.”

 

Dean pointed up at the sign in the hall. _Want to help us fix your car? No problem! $500 dollars will be added to your bill._ It was meant as a joke, but most customers took the right meaning from it.  “We charge for customer assistance,” Dean said coolly, but Novak just looked down as he pulled a wallet from his pocket and pulled out five one-hundred dollar bills. He held them out to Dean and Dean stared at him. Was he serious?

 

“Take it. I promise I won’t tell you how to do your job, I just want to figure out the problem.”

 

Dean glanced over at Meg, but she was on the phone. He grabbed the money from Novak’s hand and shoved it into his pocket. “Come with me.” He took him through the office, dropping the file into his box and grabbing the key from Meg’s desk. He led him back out through the customer entrance and out to the small front lot.

 

“Which one is yours?”

 

Novak led him to a little white chevy cruze with out of state license plates.  

 

“Isn’t this a rental?” Dean asked. “You can just take it back to the rental place and they’ll swap it out if you’re having problems.”

 

“I want you to tell me what’s wrong with it.” Novak said. He pulled open the driver’s side door. “There’s another $500 in it for you when we finish the drive.”

 

That was a thousand dollars closer to his goal. A thousand dollars closer to getting out of here- and the whole thing was terribly wrong.

 

“I don’t know, man. This is all a little too weird for me.” He fished the money out of his pocket and held it out to Novak. “Take this and I’ll go back in and we’ll pretend this didn’t happen.”

 

“Trust me, you want to go with me.”

 

“Look man, I’m not interested okay? I threw away your card last night and now you’re trying to kidnap me or whatever. I’m not going with you.” Dean dropped the money on the ground and started to walk away.

 

“You want to explain to me why you’ve had twelve soulmates in the last five years?” Novak called and Dean froze in place, all the breath sucked out of his lungs. “You want to explain how nine of them are dead? Or you just want me to go in there and tell your father and your uncle? Maybe that girl you sleep with that you’re a murderer?”

 

Dean whipped back on him. “I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”

 

“You’re Dean Winchester. I’ve been tracking you for awhile.”

 

“Well, you’re fucking wrong. The name’s Dean Singer. Sorry you can’t read or whatever, but-”

 

“John Winchester is your father, not Bobby Singer. And I know Sam’s your brother. Your mom died 7 years ago. Suicide, right? Just before you disappeared?”

 

Dean rushed him. Novak was suddenly pinned up against the car, nothing but calm on his face even though Dean had a screwdriver against his ribs. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

“Like hell.” Novak said. The corner of his mouth turned up for just a second as he looked down between them and back up to Dean’s eyes. “Is this what happens? You lose your temper and kill them off so you can get a new one?”

 

Dean released him and stepped back, drawing a ragged breath and shoving his fingers up through his hair. “You have the wrong guy,” he croaked.

 

“I don’t. You can try to convince me otherwise if you get in the car, but if you don’t come with me I will send this information everywhere and there will be nowhere for you to run.”

 

Dean rolled the screwdriver absently in his fingers. “Um… just… let me go tell them I’m taking your car out. I’ll be back.” Dean walked away, trying to decide what to do with every step. He absolutely believed that Novak would tell the world everything, and a guy like him probably had measures in place in case he suddenly went missing.

 

“Meg. I’m taking that car out for a drive to see what’s wrong. Customer is coming along to identify the sound he’s been hearing.”

 

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

 

“He just… yeah. He couldn’t describe it. You know how it is.”

 

“Whatever. Just don’t take too long.” Meg went back to her work.

 

Dean nodded and glanced around. Maybe he would be leaving this place sooner than he thought. He thought about trying to find Bobby, but it really was better this way. He stalked back out to the chevy and got in the front passenger seat and buckled in as Novak pulled out.

 

“Where are we going?” Dean finally asked.

 

“For a drive just like I said. I don’t lie.”

 

Dean laughed. “All cops lie.”

 

“Not a cop,” Novak said, eyes steady on the road and Dean shook his head.

 

“I figure you know by now that I’m not a moron. You’re a cop. And you’re lying about it.”

 

“Used to be. Some habits are hard to break.” Novak glanced down at his tan trenchcoat and suit.

 

The small town was gone after several blocks and they were out on a country road driving straight between fields of corn and wheat. The longer they drove the more Dean convinced himself that he was being taken out to be shot and chopped into pieces. He gripped the screwdriver tight in his right hand down low between the seat and the door. He would have to time it- somewhere where there was a stop sign or even a yield if Novak would slow down for something like that. He could attack when Novak slowed down and get the wheel so they maybe wouldn’t crash too hard. There weren’t many trees out here, but they might plow through a field before Dean would be able to get it under control.

 

“If you kill me my associates will come in my place. Like I said- you can’t outrun this.”

 

“I didn’t murder anyone and I’m not going to start with you,” Dean’s voice shook as he said the words and he hoped it came off as innocence instead of nerves.

 

“Right. Let’s pretend you didn’t. How have I found your name on nine bodies?”

 

“I don’t know- I’ve been getting names for a few years, but I’m not interested in the soulmate thing so I never look them up. They go away after awhile.”

 

“And you didn’t think to ask someone why you have had more than one name? I mean, people get one. ONE. That’s the definition of soulmate. It makes international news if a soulmate dies and their partner somehow receives a second name.” Novak glanced at him and back through the windshield. “You’ve had twelve names and you never thought to let anyone know?

 

“Thirteen actually. Got a new one yesterday.”

 

Novak cursed under his breath. “What’s her name?”

 

“Cassie Robinson.”

 

Novak pulled to a stop along the road, Dean’s side of the car leaning toward the corn field. “So you’re trying to tell me that you didn’t know these partners of yours were dying.”

 

“Partners is a stretch don’t you think?” Dean shook his head. This guy was going to pin him with anything he could. “I never had a relationship with any of them, never met any of them- I never even looked any of them up in the database. Not even once out of curiosity.”

 

“I know that.”

 

Dean laughed dry and harsh. “You know that? You think you know everything about me, but you came in accusing me of murders I couldn’t even possibly have committed.”

 

“Just because you weren’t there doesn’t mean you weren’t responsible.”

 

Dean turned to the window and settled back in his seat. He forced himself to relax. This guy was out on a limb at best, so Dean turned the tables on him.

 

“How did you even hear about me? Yellow pages?”

 

“I was hired by two women recently. The first one was Andrea Barr. Recognize that name?”

 

Dean did, but he wasn’t going to give it away. If Novak really knew what was going on he would already know that Andrea Barr was the name on his chest a couple months earlier.

 

“Ms. Barr asked me to track you down after she’d had your name for six weeks and it didn’t look like you were coming for her. I started searching, but a few days later a Miss Layla Rourke came in asking me to find a Dean Winchester for her too.”

 

_The name before Cassie Robinson._

 

“Now, Dean Winchester isn’t too common of a name. And when I started really poking around the soulmate database I found out that these two young ladies weren’t the only ones looking for you.” Novak glanced over at Dean. “But there was no Dean Winchester. And I looked everywhere, until a little tiny newspaper announcement from seven years ago. “Mary Winchester, survived by her sons, Dean and Sam.”

 

Dean kept his face even except for managing a perturbed look out the window. “What do you want?”

 

“I want you to tell me how you keep getting your name on these girls and then they end up dead.”

 

“You know what? Take me back. Right now.”

 

Novak laughed and Dean tensed, screwdriver at the ready. “You think I’m taking you back there? I’m not letting you disappear. You tell me how this happened and why those girls are dying and I’ll let you go if I don’t have to take you to the cops.”

 

“God’s honest truth? I get these names. They last a little while, but mostly now just a week or two, and I have never met a goddamn one of them. The names change or fade and I try to forget about them and then I get a new one some time later. I have never met any of them. That’s the truth.”

 

“But not the whole truth. Right, Dean?”

 

Dean prepared to lash out with words, but his eyes met Novak’s and for a moment he thought he saw sympathy there. Understanding. Dean gritted his teeth against that look and shook his head.

 

“Don’t look at me like you know me.”

 

“I know everything about you, Dean.”

 

“You don’t have a goddamn clue.”

 

“Then tell me.” Novak leaned back, his body turned toward Dean. He looked sincere, but Dean had learned to stop trusting that sort of thing a decade earlier.

 

“So you can go on accusing me of being a serial killer? No fucking way.” Dean thumped back into his seat. Novak could go on trying to use his cerulean blue stare to try to will information out of him or he could give up and drive him home. But if he didn’t do the latter soon Dean planned to bail. Walking back wouldn’t be the worst thing he’d ever had to do.

 

Everything he needed was at the apartment. He wasn’t quite ready to leave yet- there were things he still wanted to do, but if Novak was really going to stick on this until it was done Dean would have no choice. He had to run until this guy was nothing. Until he couldn’t hurt him or his family.

 

Novak turned on the car and turned it around.

 

“I’m going to take you back to the garage. You’re going to pretend this was all normal and I was just a crazy customer that didn’t know what I was talking about. I’m not going anywhere though. I’m on your ass every second of every day.”

 

“Sounds a little desperate, don’t you think?” Dean grinned at him. “You’re easy on the eyes but the judgemental jump to murderer took you out of the running.”

 

Novak’s face didn’t change aside from a tiny curve at the corner of his mouth. He drove straight back into town and a couple blocks from the garage Dean had to know.

 

“Why the hell do you even care?”

 

“Andrea Barr died two weeks ago and Layla Rourke died yesterday. I’d like to get to whoever is on your chest as soon as possible. Maybe I can save her.”

 

They pulled into the back corner of the customer parking and Dean was out in a second, but Novak was just as quick.

 

Dean glanced at the shop window- no one was paying attention to anything happening out in the lot. “So, you won’t say anything to anyone,” he said. “I stay in your sights and you keep your mouth shut.”

 

“Until I take you to the police, yes.”

 

“Take me to the police…” Dean shook his head. “I didn’t murder anyone, you son of a bitch.”

 

Novak squinted at him. “You give me another reasonable explanation. I’m listening.”

 

Dean clenched his jaw at his words but purposed to relax his body. Novak wasn’t going to get to him. “I don’t know what else to say.”

  
“Then I’ll see you after work, Mr. Winchester.” Novak nodded to him then smiled. “Sorry- _Mr. Singer_.”


	3. Lie the Way he Needs You To

After work Dean met up with Sam at the Roadhouse like he did every Monday night. Sam bought first and when he also bought the second round Dean knew what he was in for.

 

“Show me.” Sam finally said after twenty minutes of small talk.

 

“Not likely.”

 

“You say it’s not there, she says it is. I have to know.”

 

Dean sighed heavy and set his mug down a little too hard. Beer sloshed over one side. “It’s not, Sammy, and I’m not going to do a strip tease in the middle of Ellen’s place to sate your curiosity. Just let it go.”

 

Sam went quiet in his resentment and Dean took the opportunity to find his favorite new friend over at the bar. Novak was seated by himself just like he had the night before, but in a prime spot to watch all the exits and keep a close eye on Dean. He didn’t acknowledge Dean even when their eyes met briefly. He swept on past and pretended to nurse his beer in sadness.

 

“Sammy, I have to tell you something.” Dean’s voice came out husky when he had intended it just to be quiet. He cleared his throat.

 

“What?” Sam asked, but when Dean didn’t continue, he leaned in and grew serious too. “What’s wrong?”

 

“You know I was gone, and.... I think I’m going to have to go again.” Dean dropped his eyes to the table and cleared his throat against the clog that showed up as he said what he had to. “Maybe not too long this time, or maybe… I don’t know. Don’t go having kids while I’m gone. I don’t want to miss being an uncle.”

 

Sam looked down and his hair shifted with him. He shook it back out of his eyes, but kept his gaze on the mug in his hands. “Are you safe?” he asked without looking up.

 

When had he ever been safe? Dean cleared his throat before he spoke. “I need you and Bobby to watch out for yourselves. If anyone comes around asking- you and me are estranged. You hate me.”

 

“Dean, just tell me what-”

 

“You know I can’t do that, Sammy.” Dean took a drink and glanced at Novak. He wasn’t watching in an obvious way but Dean somehow knew he wouldn’t miss a thing. “If I don’t contact you by the end of the month you open that packet I gave you and do what it says, okay?”

 

“Dean-”

 

“Okay?” Dean pushed it because he had to and he used his older brother glare to force Sam to accept what he was saying.

 

It was barely audible, but Sam agreed. “When are you going?”

 

“Soon. I don’t know exactly when.”

 

“Just tell me you’re going because you’ll be safe if you do.”

 

“That’s the plan, Sammy.” Dean lied because his brother needed him to. It had taken a long time to fix things between him and Sam the last time he’d left and he dreaded having to do it again when he came back. But maybe Sam could understand better this time because Dean had given him a warning.

 

“Don’t talk about this with anyone, okay? Not even Bobby. I’ll tell him what he needs to know.”

 

Sam nodded. “Another round?”

 

Dean tried to smile, but it came out faint and thin. “Definitely.”

 

******************

 

Dean woke up on a wet pillow. It was his own drool and he was somewhat grateful for that, because he’d woken up hungover in a puddle of a lot worse. Dean pushed up onto his elbows and tried to right himself within that small change of position before he made an attempt at actually sitting up.

 

“There’s aspirin on the nightstand.”

 

“Son of a bitch!” Dean yelped. He shot up to sitting too fast and clutched at his head and the bed.

 

Novak had pulled a chair into his room and sat there calmly in his rumpled suit with his calm blue eyes.

 

“You are a creepy fuck,” Dean mumbled, but he took the aspirin and the water. “Did you watch me sleep all night? Maybe you’re the fucking psychopath and you’re going to kill me next instead of whoever happens to be on my chest.”

 

“Cassie Robinson. But I doubt her name is there any more. I had a call from an associate. Ms. Robinson passed away early this morning in her home. No foul play suspected, but they’re obviously going to conduct an autopsy since she was only 24 and in good health.”

 

“Holy shit.” Dean croaked. He pulled his tshirt up. Her name was there, but faded. Another day- maybe less- and it would be completely gone.

 

“You were right here. I saw you with my own two eyes. And my associate had eyes on the house  so I know you didn’t have anyone go in or out at the scene.”

 

“Again- creepy as fuck.” Dean rubbed a hand over his neck and up through his hair. It was a mess, but it couldn’t be worse than Novak’s. In spite of sitting up watching Dean from the chair all night his hair looked like he’d just woken up himself. “But… thank you I guess. For the alibi or whatever.”

 

Novak shook his head. “I wouldn’t go that far. I don’t know how it’s happening but you’re definitely involved.”

 

“Wait.” Dean squeezed his eyes closed. “Yesterday you were flat out accusing me of murder and now I’m what? Reduced to a person of interest?” He looked up expectantly, squinting against the light.

 

Novak frowned, in what Dean was coming to think of as his permanent face- the perpetual Novak frown. “At the very least. You may still be my murderer. And at the other end of the spectrum you could very well be a victim yourself.”

 

“Woah, woah, woah. I’m a victim? I’m not the one dying here.”

 

“No, but I was looking into some other possibilities before I found you. We need to get this straightened out before someone catches on to how many bodies are coming into morgues across the country with your name on them.”

 

“Why do you care, dude? I mean, I can tell you I’m not killing those girls. So that leaves your other possibilities. So what the fuck do you get out of helping me?”

 

Novak squinted at him. “If you’re in police custody as a suspect I can’t exactly get your help with the case can I?”

 

Dean clutched the edge of the bed. “I have to get to work so my dad doesn’t kill me.”

 

Novak nodded. “I’ll be in touch.” He stood up and walked to the doorway. “Dean?”

 

“What now?” Dean went to his dresser to grab some clothes.

 

“Until you get another name we don’t have anywhere to go. But as soon as you get a name-”

 

“Yeah, yeah. I get it. We get her info and give her a call.” Dean tucked his clothes under his arm and headed to the bathroom, head fuzzy and feet leaden.

 

“No- we’re going wherever she is.”

 

Dean wheeled around, and still managed to glare at Cas despite the spinning state of the room. “Are you fucking kidding me? I have two jobs- family depending on me. I can’t just leave.”

 

“If you don’t come with me I’ll turn in the file I have on you and let the police deal with it.”

 

“Fuck you,” He said and slammed the bathroom door in Novak’s face.

 

************

 

Dean was a little late, but John didn’t catch it because he wasn’t in yet himself. Bobby was there though, everything opened up. He took in Dean’s bleary eyes and slow walk and shook his head. “Don’t you get to being him, now.”

 

“Shut up, Bobby.” Dean rounded the corner to the locker room and got changed into his coveralls. Work was just the thing, right? Take his mind right off it. He had nothing to do with what happened to those girls- it wasn’t his concern. Not unless the cops caught the pattern like Novak had suggested they might. If that happened, then… what would he say exactly? Point them at Novak and hope Novak had enough doubt in his mind to defend him?”

 

By mid-afternoon Dean couldn’t take it anymore and he begged off early. Bobby frowned at him, but allowed it without a word until Dean doubled back and asked if he could get an advance on Friday’s paycheck.

 

“Why you needin’ that, boy?” Bobby tried to pin him with his best glare, but Dean was well practiced at this point.

 

“Just a little rough patch. I was hoping-”

 

“Don’t do it, Dean.” Bobby’s voice went low. “I’ve seen that look on your face before. Don’t do it. Your brother needs you around here.”

 

“I have to.” Dean barely got the words out before tears pushed at the edges of his eyes and he sniffed and shook his head to clear them.

 

“Nearly broke him last time.”

 

“I’ll be back soon. Don’t believe stories about me, okay? And if they ask, you and I don’t talk anymore.” Dean turned to walk away, but Bobby called after him.

 

“You need that check?”

 

Dean turned back, grateful.

 

***************

 

Thirty minutes later he had the cash Bobby fronted him and he was back at his apartment to pack. Novak’s rental was nowhere to be seen, so he headed up and threw some clothes in a bag and grabbed a few important things around the apartment. He stopped downstairs on the way out to pay the next month’s rent a little early.

 

“Where you going?” Novak leaned against the Impala, smug in his suit and tie.

 

“Fuck you, Novak.” Dean opened the trunk and dumped his belongings in. He slammed it shut and circled back to the driver’s side. “Move.”

 

“Take me with you.”

 

“I said fucking move, asshole.”

 

“I’m trying to save you here. You and the other girls that haven’t died yet- and whoever else shows up on your chest in the meantime. It doesn’t have to happen.”

 

“Are you some special kind of idiot? We know jack shit about whatever the hell is going on here, so you spouting off about saving people is ludicrous. We can’t save anyone. We have no idea what is happening.” Dean paced in front of Novak who was holding his calm. “Do you even have a lead?”

 

“Let me come with you and I’ll tell you everything I know- every fact I have about this case.”

 

“I can find that myself.”

 

“I’ve been in contact with a doctor who thinks she knows what’s going on. I can take you to her and we can figure this out.”

 

That stopped Dean. “What do you mean?”

 

“Before I found you she had some theories on soulmate matching failures and how it affects the hormone levels. She said an unmatched soulmate could potentially have a hormone increase that never stops. That might be what is killing your mates.”

 

“They were never my mates.” Dean hissed.

 

“Your matches. Whatever. The doctor needs you to be able to figure out how this is happening.”

 

Dean stood still, staring at Novak’s ridiculous trenchcoat. “Can she stop this?”

 

“She thinks so.”

 

Dean nodded. “Get in.”

 

Novak hustled around the car to get in the passenger side, and Dean slid into place behind the wheel.

 

“You tell me all of it.” Dean said as he started the car. “All the research, all the everything and if it seems like anything is off about it I’ll throw you out, you got it?”

 

Novak squinted at him and Dean responded with his own “don’t fuck with me” stare.

 

“She’s an endocrinologist,” Novak said. “In Chicago.”

 

Dean backed out and turned onto the road that would lead him to the highway. “What does endocrinology have to do with any of this?”

 

“All your soulmates have been very different- you don’t seem to have a type. brunettes, blondes- there was a man in there too-” Novak glanced up at him out of the corner of his eye but Dean didn’t move. He wasn’t ashamed of being bisexual, but he didn’t exactly announce it everywhere he went either. “There’s one commonality between all the girls that have died. Their levels of dopamine and amoramine were extremely elevated.”

 

Amoramine- the chemical that started this whole soulmate thing in the first place. It just sort of showed up fifty years earlier and the twin response when a soulmate couple came together for the first time was undeniable. No one really understood how the names showed up, but rest assured there were dozens of studies going on at any given moment all around the world trying to track down the reasons behind this sudden chemical change in humanity and how it worked.

 

“So what- they had so much love hormone that they died? Like an overdose?”

 

“In three of the cases yes. The other six were accidents or suicides. I’ve been discussing this with Dr. Bradbury.” Novak pulled out his phone, stabbing at it with one finger in the most painful version of texting Dean had ever witnessed. “I’ll let her know we’re coming and arrange a meeting for first thing tomorrow. In the meantime you need to not contract any other names.”

 

“Contract? Like it’s a disease? I don’t control it, you know. They just show up.” Dean huffed and kept his eyes pointed out the windshield. Novak was obnoxious at best and insulting at worst.

 

Novak ignored him. “I do wonder if simply meeting the marked girl would save her.”

 

“How the hell would that help?”

 

“Maybe there’s something about the twin rise in hormones that works together in a way that short circuits that overload they’re having.”

 

Dean wondered if it could really be as easy as that and immediately felt ill. All his resistance to using the database to find his initial match could have saved the poor girl’s life and the lives of all the others who had died so far. He had never looked for any of them and if he had just pushed down that deep sense of resentment at being assigned a permanent mate…

 

“You think that would really work?” he asked Novak.

 

“I don’t know what it is that triggers this but I’m hoping it has something to do with that first connection you make with a soulmate.The hormone levels change from the very first exchange of conversation.”

 

“Exchange of conversation? What kind of cop are you that you talk like that?”

 

“I’m not a cop.”

 

“Okay- you were. Whatever.” Dean rolled his eyes, landing on Novak. “But the words you use-”

 

“You want me to throw in a ‘shit’ or a ‘fuck’ every now and again so I can sound like a genius? That is what I’m assuming you think you sound like when you curse like that.”

 

“I’m not thinking anything. I’m just talking. And you’re not the only one with a vocabulary.”

 

“That’s right. You did go to college. A good one, but here you are working as a mechanic and a bartender. Why is that?” Again with the Novak frown.

 

“It’s temporary.”

 

“Three years isn’t temporary. And where were you for two years? I couldn’t find you from 2008-2010. You were 22 when you went missing.”

 

Dean turned steady eyes on the road and refused to look over.

 

“Dean?”

 

“I swear to god I’ll dump you out in the middle of goddamn nowhere if you ask me again.”

 

Dean caught Novak shifting in his seat to stare out the window. He didn’t look so intimidating now, not when he wasn’t threatening to expose Dean’s secret to his family, not when he was watching him sleep and- No. Forget the blue eyes and long piercing stare, forget the dream he’d had- any possibilities with this guy flew out the window the moment he threatened him. His dick didn’t yet agree with that decision, but it would get there too.

 

****************

 

It was an easy drive, all on the highway until they got closer and very little traffic out this way late on a Tuesday night. Novak sat like a watchdog in the passenger seat and eventually Dean couldn’t take the silence.

 

“The whole soulmate concept is bullshit, by the way.”

 

“What?”

 

“The whole idea of it. That we have a destiny to be with a certain person. Bullshit.”

 

“Most people would say the world is better off because of it.”

 

“They just want someone else to tell them how to live so they don’t have to blame themselves when things don’t work out.”

 

“But they usually do work out. That’s why the soulmate ideal has been so well received.”

 

“Yeah, well, not by everyone.”

 

“Not by you, obviously.”

 

Dean kept his eyes straight ahead into the dark. He felt Novak shift next to him.

 

“No doubt the relationship your parents had was-”

 

“Tell me about the girls.” Dean blurted out.

 

Novak blinked. “What?”

 

“All I know right now is their names and that they died because of me.”

 

Novak took the hint and Dean breathed a little easier.

 

“What do you want to know?” Novak asked.

 

“Who they were maybe? Just- whatever you have.”

 

Novak’s face softened and for a moment Dean thought he spotted sympathy there, but then the wall was back, the forehead scrunched and eyes squinted even in the dark.

 

Novak started with the first girl and told them all through. Ages, interests, majors in college, how close they were to family, what they were doing when they died. Dean tried to not see it all as weight, but at the end of it when Novak closed his binder he could hardly speak. Because of him. They were all gone because of him, and now another girl just last night.

 

“Do you really think I could have stopped it all if I would have looked them up?”

 

Novak didn’t answer for a minute. “It’s too soon to say. You may have still cycled through. You are actually the anomaly here. The fact that you get new names as your soulmates die is remarkable. I’m sure Dr. Bradbury will ask to write about you and study you further.”

 

Dean tensed through his whole body. “I’m not a lab rat.”

 

“You don’t have to say yes, but she would be remiss if she didn’t at least ask.”

 

“Can we stop for the night? I have cash for a room for myself.”

 

Novak snorted. “You’re staying with me,. I don’t want you to run off.”

 

“Are you fucking kidding me? I’m with you willingly right now.”

 

“You run. You’ve done it before, you’ll do it again and this time you’ll disappear. You spent two years off grid without a single hint of where you might have been. I’m not letting you out of my sight until this is over.”

 

They got a room with two queens and Novak insisted that Dean take the bathroom first to change. When he got out Novak had already claimed the bed closest to the door and arranged his things. Dean took passive aggressive revenge by claiming the t.v. remote and finding a Dr. Sexy rerun before Novak was out of the bathroom.

 

“What is this?” Novak grimaced.

 

“Only the greatest soap ever. You should watch with me. Really relaxing and Dr. Sexy is- you know- Dr. Sexy so…” Dean waggled his eyebrows at Novak but his brow didn’t unfurrow for even a second. “It’s a good time, man. Relax for five seconds.”

 

Novak leaned back against the headboard, arms crossed over his chest and legs crossed at the ankles. The frown never went away, but part way through he was asking questions and shaking his head in disbelief. “That isn’t even possible. You can’t just inject someone’s heart like that.”

 

“Dr. Sexy can. He’s a prodigy in his field.”

 

Novak rolled his eyes and moved under the covers. “We need to be up early tomorrow to meet with Dr. Bradbury. Turn it off and get some sleep.”

 

“Episode’s almost over.”

 

Novak turned over and set his laser beam stare on high enough that Dean turned off the t.v. and hit the light.

 

“You need to get laid, Novak.”

 

“I beg your pardon?”

 

“Relax. I’m not trying to get into your pants.” Dean grinned at the sound of Novak’s throat clearing.

  
“Good night, Dean.”


	4. Panic

Dean started sweating the moment they stepped into the building and he was so antsy in the elevator that Novak turned to him, glaring.

 

“Do you have to go to the bathroom?”

 

“Do I look like I’m three?”

 

“Then stop squirming.”

 

“I just don’t do doctors, man. This was a bad idea.”

 

The doors opened and Novak grabbed his arm and pulled him through. The office was bland and the receptionist unimpressed with them. She went back to her computer and Dean and Novak sat. Dean’s knee jittered up and down and Novak clapped a hand onto it.

 

“What is wrong with you?” he hissed.

 

“I told you- doctors aren’t- I can’t.” Dean’s eyes bugged a little and he pulled at the collar of his t-shirt, starting to gasp for air.

 

“You’re overreacting. We’re only going to talk with her. She’s not going to do anything to you. Take some deep breaths or chant or something.” Novak glanced over at the receptionist, annoyed by her lack of concern for their wait time. He turned back to Dean. “I’m basically going to hand over paperwork, she’s going to look at it and turn it into something that we can understand. Hopefully a good explanation of what is wrong with you.”

 

“Nothing wrong with me…” Dean muttered under his breath. Paperwork would be okay. Especially if she didn’t have the white coat. He glanced around the small waiting room to memorize his path of escape just in case.

 

“She’ll see you now.” The receptionist said. “Through that door and down the hall to your right. Her office is at the end. Name is on the door.”

 

“Thanks,” Novak’s sarcasm was so uncharacteristic that Dean almost laughed, but instead he stood and followed Novak through the door and down the hall. Novak tapped on the door with his knuckles and pushed it open.

 

Behind the big desk loaded with papers was a petite red head. She looked up and smiled brightly from behind thick glasses that she promptly removed. She was a lot younger than Dean would have guessed her to be.

 

“You must be Castiel?” She reached a hand to Novak. He had certainly presented himself more confidently than Dean who shrank back a little at the sight of her lab coat.

 

“Yes. This is Dean Winchester.”

 

Dr. Bradbury’s mouth dropped open. “ _The_ Dean Winchester you were looking for?”

 

“The very one.”Novak turned to him then and frowned. He motioned to one of the chairs and Dean sat. “He would very much like to get this figured out as well.”

 

“Okay. Well, welcome, Mr. Winchester.” Dr. Bradbury reached out to shake his hand and Dean looked at it then up at her and shook his head slightly.

 

“Uh, Dean is good.”

 

Dr. Bradbury put her hand in the pocket of her jacket and smiled. “Alright, Dean. Call me Charlie then.”

 

Novak pulled several files from his bag and sat in the other chair in front of Dr. Bradbury’s desk. “I have a few things for you. More recent labs from the last two deaths you and I discussed and pending information on a girl that passed away yesterday.” Novak pulled one folder away from the others and passed it to the doctor. She shuffled through quietly, making notations and talking to herself. Dean slowly moved his chair back inch by inch until Novak looked at him sharply and he halted his progress away from the doctor.

 

“It looks like my initial thoughts were right. Maybe Lonely Heart Syndrome though. You never contacted any of these matches?”

 

Dean looked up with eyes wide when he realized she was talking to him. “Oh, uh… no. I wasn’t really looking for a match.”

 

“And they never reached out to you on the database?”

 

“Many of them reached out, but never contacted him,” Novak said. He glanced at Dean and Dean knew he wasn’t going to tell her that Dean wasn’t even in the database.

 

Dr. Bradbury stood up and smiled warmly at Dean. “Well, let’s go to the lab, Dean. Mr. Novak, you’re welcome to stay here.”

 

“I go where Dean goes,” Novak said, and Dr. Bradbury didn’t argue, just smiled nervously and nodded. “Okay. This way.”

 

She led them down the hall and into a small room with a bed at the end of the hall. Dean eyed the flimsy paper sheet over the plastic bed and looked at her as he struggled to control his breathing.

 

“What the hell is this?” His voice failed.

 

“A lab? Just… a blood draw?” Dr. Bradbury’s eyes darted back and forth between the two of them. “I have to know your numbers to get accurate data to work with-”

 

“You lying son of a bitch!” Dean turned on Novak, but he had already closed the door and was ready for whatever Dean was willing to bring.

 

“It’s just one needle stick. She’ll be done in a minute and you can go back to shaking in your chair.”

 

“You fucking piece of-”

 

“Hey! Hey, now, guys. How about I don’t stick anyone with a needle and we all just talk?” Dr. Bradbury’s smile was too wide for her face as she tried to will them to calm down. Dean’s heart was racing and when he turned to her he didn’t feel any less upset.

 

“No, I don’t do doctors. No offense. You seem like a nice one, but I just can’t.”

 

“Goddamn it, Dean!” Novak’s hair stuck up on end from pushing his hands through it in frustration. “What happens when there’s another name and she dies because you couldn’t take a 30 second needle stick? Sit down, shut up and do it!”

 

Dean startled back and bumped the table with his hip. Novak was still breathing heavy as Dean and Dr. Bradbury stared at him, but Dean shuffled to the table and up on it.

 

“I’m serious. I don’t know if I can. I had some… uh, bad experiences with this.”

 

Dr. Bradbury smiled at him, a little more genuinely this time now that no one was arguing. “What kind of experiences, Dean?”

 

Dean blinked at her. “I don’t talk about that.”

 

“It will help me know what to do for you to help you.”

 

Novak sighed loudly and leaned against the door with a thunk. “He gets woozy with needles. He’s fine. We’ll get him some juice after it’s over.”

 

Dean glared at him, and the doctor traced the interaction with her eyes. “Mr. Novak, be helpful or I’ll ask you to leave,” she said.

 

“I’ll do it if you can make it quick.” Dean said.

 

“Are you sure? I don’t want to do this without your complete and uncoerced cooperation.” She glanced up at Novak, eyebrows raised, begging him to try to contradict her.

 

“Will it actually help anyone?”

 

“I really think so. It may very well rule out any connection on your part.”

 

Dean nodded. “I can try.”

 

She started to prepare the materials she would need, laying everything out on a tray, gloves on. Dean watched her every move and swore he could see his own heart beating so hard it was three inches out of his ribcage with every beat. “Uh, Dr. Bradbury?”

 

“Please call me Charlie.” She smiled again.

 

“Okay- Charlie. Can you take the white coat off?”

 

She looked him in the eye and Dean was stunned by the compassion he saw there. “Of course.” She shrugged out of it and rolled over to the counter where she quickly folded it and set it there. She rolled back and shot him another warm smile to try to help him keep calm when she saw him react to her reach for the alcohol wipes.

 

“You’ll feel a poke and then you just have to relax,” Charlie said. “I’ll take a few vials and then take out the needle and you’ll be done. I have fun bandaids if that helps. Star Wars? My Little Pony?”

 

“I’ll be fine,” Dean mumbled. He glanced at Novak. He was guarding the door like a watchdog, his squint and signature frown in place. Dr. Bradbury moved the tray over next to him and sat on a rolling stool.

 

“Which arm do you prefer?”

 

“Left.” Dean said quickly. He swallowed hard against the panic and started to shake as Charlie gently took his hand and turned it palm up.

 

“Dean, maybe you would be able to relax a little more if you laid down.”

 

“I don’t-”

 

“Lay down, Winchester.” Novak stepped forward and put a crushing hand on Dean’s shoulder. Most of Dean wanted to throw him off and run, but he wanted almost as much to do what he could to save anyone else that might die, and he understood what he had to do. He shook Novak off and laid down so his left arm was closest to Charlie.

 

“You don’t have to look. In fact a lot of patients prefer not to. You can hold Mr. Novak’s hand if you want.” She winked at him and Dean scoffed.

 

“No thank you.” He meant it to come out brave, but it came out much softer than he intended. His chest rose and fell rapidly while Charlie swabbed his arm with alcohol and prepared the needle and when she warned that the prick was coming he still went woozy at the feeling even though he knew it was coming. He squeezed his eyes shut and listened to her work. He could tell she was moving as fast as she could, but it wasn’t enough and the panic that he was holding in swelled up rapidly.

 

“Get it out,” He said softly, suddenly gasping for air.

 

“Almost done.”

 

“Get it out,” he said again, urgently this time. “Please!” Dean started to sit up, only partially hearing her protests. Firm hands clamped down over his shoulders and crashed him back to the table, and Novak’s voice was hot in his ear.

 

“Stop moving. You can have your freak out when she’s done.”

 

“Done! All done!” Charlie declared. Novak released him and Dean rolled on his side to face the wall, gasping for air faster than he could actually take it in.

 

“Dean, you did fine.” Charlie. “Let me check you out, okay? Just my stethoscope.”

 

Dean heard her, but didn’t want anyone to touch him. He let her put the stethoscope to his chest though and when she withdrew it she pressed a hand to his chest and leaned over him until he met her eye. “Fear of needles is very common. You did great and I won’t have to do that again. I’m so sorry.”

 

“No problem,” Dean mumbled.

 

“Stay here. Don’t sit up for 5 or 10 minutes. I’ll be right back.” She stalked out of the room and Novak pushed the door shut behind her.

 

“Are you a child?” Novak demanded. “That behavior was-”

 

“A goddamn trigger, asshole.” Dean barely got it out. He squeezed his eyes tight again and forced deep breaths.

 

To his credit Novak didn’t say anything at first. “I apologize. We need the blood to-”

 

“I understand, okay? I did it for the girls or whatever. Now leave me the fuck alone.” Dean didn’t think Novak would go for it, but a moment later the door opened and then clicked closed behind him and when Dean sat up he was alone for the first time since Novak had demanded they leave in the Impala. It had been less than 24 hours since they left his apartment, but it was already one of the stranger days in Dean’s life.

 

He breathed for a moment, eyes wide open to take it all in and keep himself grounded to this location. The room was too similar to the last time though, and Dean stumbled out into the hall. Novak and the doctor stood at the far end of it near her office but neither noticed him until he scrambled toward them.

 

Dean fell forward. Someone caught him and held onto him protectively. Everything felt loud and when hands touched him Dean fought back and curled into the one that protected him. Novak shouted and everything settled. Dean kept his eyes closed against it all and kept curled into his little ball designed to keep the world out.

 

******

 

The moment Dean shifted to stretch his cramped back he realized he was with someone. He tried to think back but everything about the recent past was foggy. He opened his eyes. He was in an office identical to Dr. Bradbury’s but on a couch. A heavy hand rested on his chest, and Dean groaned inwardly when he recognized the trench coat. He sat up and Novak startled.

 

“Hello, Dean.” He was gentler than he’d ever spoken to him before and that alone made Dean suspicious.

 

“What the hell…” Dean muttered.

 

“Take your time. You weren’t out long.”

 

“Is everyone else okay?

 

“Is everyone else- are _you_ okay?”

 

Dean sagged back against the couch and closed his eyes. “I think so.”

 

“Can you tell me what happened to you to produce that type of reaction?” Novak asked

 

“Does she have to do any other procedures?” Dean neatly bypassed the question.

 

“No.”

 

“Are you lying again?” Dean stared him straight in the eye, daring him to try it again. He had missed the deception the first time and he wasn’t about to let it happen again.

 

“No. I’m so sorry about that. I-“

 

“Shut the fuck up.” Dean kept his voice low and serious. “We’ll finish this here and then I’m going home. You find your own way back, got it? I’ll do whatever the doc needs me to do to be able to figure out how to save the people unlucky enough to get matched to me. But then I never want to hear from you again. Not even a postcard at Christmas.”

 

Novak’s face had solidified into an emotionless mask over the course of Dean’s speech. He nodded vaguely at the end, then added. “Not a word, Dean. I am very sorry for what happened here.”

 

Dean wanted to say Novak was just paying lip service, but he was so determined looking that Dean thought maybe he truly was sorry. It didn’t change anything, but at least he felt something after putting him in such a difficult position.

 

Charlie was in her office, which turned out to be just down the hall. Dean walked in ahead of Novak and pushed his chair back into the corner before he sat down. Novak took his place by the door.

 

“What else do you need me to do?” Dean asked.

 

“How are you feeling?” Charlie came around her desk as she spoke but stopped immediately when Dean withdrew further into his seat. She was still without her lab coat.

 

“I’m fine. What else do you need?”

 

“Just some family history that Mr. Novak didn’t have.”

 

Dean straightened up in his seat. “Like what?”

 

“Mr. Novak says your parents were matched soulmates. Is that correct?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Do you know when their marks showed up and if they ever changed?”

 

“No changes, I think my dad was 18 and mom was 17. Something close to that.”

 

“And your brother?”

 

“He was 22. No changes.”

 

Charlie noted all of the information on her notepad. “When did the first name appear for

you?”

 

“Just before I turned 25. Like two weeks before.”

 

“Have you noticed any pattern to how long they stay or how long you go without a name before a new one appears?”

 

“Not really. Sometimes months in between, sometimes days. I had one time where I had a name one day and when I woke up the next morning there was a new one.”

 

Charlie frowned and set her notepad on the table. “Can we line up the loss of the names on Dean to when the matches died?” She asked Novak. ”Is he getting new names because they died or are they dying long after or before he gets a name?”

 

“What do you mean? I thought you said they were dying because of the hormone OD.” Novak said.

 

“Well, that’s definitely part of the equation since that seems to be the COD for three of the girls, but two of the girls committed suicide and five, I think? Five were accidents. It was when they did the blood panels later that they found the hormone spike.”

 

Dean leaned in. “You think someone is targeting my matches and causing their accidents?”

 

“Potentially. We have to explore all options. In the meantime, Dean it’s very possible these girls are developing Lonely Heart Syndrome. You’ll need to go wherever the next girl is and meet her. The connection and then leveling off of the hormone might stop this cycle.”

 

“And then I’m stuck with a match I don’t want.”

 

“You can’t know that. The pull is pretty strong when you meet your match. You may meet her and know she’s the one.”

 

“You mean my body will decide for me without any logical input from my brain. No thank you.” Dean stretched out a little and settled a little better into his chair.

 

Charlie smiled brightly. “Well, then I hope you meet someone someday who stimulates your body and your brain.”

 

Dean snorted at the idea. “I’m good on my own, thanks.”

 

Charlie glanced over at Novak and back to Dean. “Can I ask one more thing of you?”

 

“I wondered if there is any residual markings from previous matchings on your body. It doesn’t help the case at all, but I was just personally curious.”

 

“Uh, no. I don’t think so.” Dean lifted his t-shirt for her and showed her the blank canvas over his heart. Charlie stepped forward and bent down in front of him. Not a single mark- not even the tiniest speck had been left from any of the thirteen markings. She inspected him closely and Dean saw Novak watching too.

 

“That is remarkable. I always wondered why the skin suddenly became so malleable and if it could go back-“ The doctor’s eyes went wide and she looked up at Dean, then over at Novak as he practically jumped from his chair to join her on the floor in front of Dean.

 

Dean looked down. Another perfectly lettered name and ID laid out plain over his heart and he groaned. Novak was up and out the door before Dean could get out a “son of a bitch!”

 

“That was amazing. It just appeared right before my eyes!” Charlie knelt there still as she tried to absorb what she had just seen.

 

“So how do we do this? I just go to her wherever she is and meet her and the hormone does the rest on its own?”

 

“Maybe. We don’t know, but that’s the best thing to try. If her levels stay elevated she’ll need intervention. There are some suppressants on the market for Lonely Heart cases that might work for this too.” Charlie was busy writing a few things down. “If she wants to talk to a doctor about it you can give her my number. But she’ll need to go to the hospital right away. You can give my information to any facility that needs it for confirmation and I’ll tell them what to look for and what is best to give.” Charlie ripped the page from her notepad and handed it to Dean. “If you decide to be her mate her hormones should level off with yours and everything should be fine. If you choose not to stay matched with her she may need suppressant therapy anyway for Lonely Heart.”

 

Novak blustered back into the room, eyes on his phone. “Let’s go, Winchester.”

 

“No, no, no. I‘m not going anywhere with you. We talked about this.” Dean said. “I’ll go do whatever I have to so this girl doesn’t die, but not with you.”

 

“That girl on your chest is Anna Milton.” Novak held up his phone and showed Dean a picture of a beautiful redhead tucked in under Novak’s arm. “She’s my sister.”

 

“What the fuck, Novak.” Dean hissed.

 

“She’s married. So you go meet her and she’ll have no problem turning you down in favor of her husband. You don’t have to worry about the messy match thing.”

 

Dean ran a hand over his face. He didn’t want to let Novak ever put another foot in his car, much less road trip with him again.

 

“Where is she?”

 

“Pontiac. About 90 minutes south of here.”

 

Dean swallowed hard. Novak needed him to save his sister. And then they’d be free of each other. Anna would go back to her husband cured, Dean would stop getting killer names and he could go on and just live his life without this soulmate garbage bothering him ever again.

 

“Okay. Let’s go take care of your sister and then we’re done, got it?”

 

Novak nodded firmly. “Agreed.”

 

Dean smiled at Charlie. “Thank you. And I’m sorry I panicked about the blood thing.”

 

“I’m so sorry that even happened. You know a complete history from you would be-“

 

“Bye, Charlie.” Dean followed Novak out of the office and shortly they were on their way south to Pontiac.

 

Dean settled deep in his seat. It would feel short compared to the drive they’d made the day before, but he wasn’t going to let Novak’s presence keep him from getting comfortable in his own car. Novak sat up stiff in the passenger seat, anxiety sitting like a cloud all around him. He looked tired- exhausted, actually- like he hadn’t slept in a hundred years.

 

“Tell me when you need to stop,” Dean said after a while.

 

“Not ‘til we get to her.”

 

Dean nodded. If it was Sam he’d feel the same. He sped up. “We have a good plan. Either way she turns out okay, you know?”

 

Novak didn’t look at him, but his stoic stare wavered.

 

“Have you seen her?” Dean asked. “I mean, lately?”

 

“It’s been a while.” Novak cleared his throat and shifted in his seat.

 

“How long?” Dean asked, and Novak returned with a glare.

 

Dean huffed. All the information Novak had on him, and all Dean wanted to know was a few little things about the girl labeled on his chest. “Come on, man. Is it that big a deal?”

 

“It’s been a long time. I had reasons to be gone.”

 

Dean nodded to that. He knew all about having reasons to be gone. “It’s hard going back after something like that. When I first got back to Kansas Sam wouldn’t have anything to do with me.

Took a long, long time to fix things with me and him and sometimes it can feel like we didn’t fix anything at all.”

 

They drove another ten miles before Novak spoke up. “It’s been eight years. I call her often. We are still close even though I’ve been gone so long.”

 

“I’m not questioning how close you are to your sister,” Dean said. Maybe Novak made a little more sense now. He was so out of step from regular life- maybe being estranged from his family for all these years was the primary source of his sour demeanor.

 

“I love her very much, Dean.” Novak was quiet and Dean glanced over. Novak’s head hung low and he actually looked vulnerable. Human.

 

“I get that.” Dean said. “And she’s married? She didn’t wait for a mark?”

 

“She’s 28. It’s too late for a mark. Michael was unmarked as well. There was no reason to think they would ever be matched.”

 

“Is Michael a cool guy? Will he be understanding about this?”

 

“I don’t know. I’ve never met him in person.”

 

“You didn’t even go to her wedding?”

 

Novak’s face went back to his angry frown. “I told you I had reasons to be gone.”

 

Dean left him alone for a while, waiting until Novak seemed to relax again before hitting him with more questions.”

 

“Tell me about your family. You don’t have to go into as much dirt as you have on my family, but if we’re going to meet them names might be nice.”

 

“You’ll only meet Anna and Michael.”

 

“Come on, man. You have a paper in your files that tells you when I last took a shit. You can’t tell me the names of the people in your family?”

 

Novak glanced at him from the corner of his eye and focused back on the windshield. “My parents are gone. It’s just me, Anna and Jimmy.”

 

“Jimmy is your brother? Older or younger?”

 

“Technically younger. We’re twins.”

 

“Are you at all happy to go back? I mean, not under these circumstances of course, but at least to see them?”

 

Novak ducked his head, the first time Dean had seen an introverted action from Novak since they first ran into each other. It reminded Dean of how he’d sat in the bar. Quiet, unobtrusive. “Maybe.” Novak sounded completely unsure of himself.

 

“So uh-“

 

“Do you ever not talk?” Novak snapped. “Is it even possible for you to go a whole ten minutes without talking?”

  
Dean turned full attention on the road, his pride bruised at the call out over nothing. He was just trying to make conversation. “Sorry.” He mumbled, and they were both quiet until they were twenty minutes out and Novak called to see if Anna was home.


	5. Collapse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the point in the story where there is some "improvised medicine" to accommodate the premise of this AU. I'll keep it as medically accurate as such a thing can be.

Anna and Michael lived in a quaint bungalow with a perfectly manicured lawn. Dean’s very presence threw a shadow over the ideal they’d built together and when Novak knocked on the door Dean hung back behind him, feeling partially ashamed.

 

Anna answered the door. Novak hadn’t said a word about Dean over the phone, but Anna took in the news of a surprise unknown guest with grace and a smile. Dean found himself straining to identify any hint of a connection. If there was that big draw, that connection he wanted to get it over with so he could break down that bridge before it finished building in the first place. Dr. Bradbury’s words about the strength of that hormonal pull rang in his ears and he wasn’t going to let it happen if he could prevent it.

 

A man Dean presumed was Michael sat in the living room, frustration and worry writing lines across his forehead. He wore a suit and tie and when he twisted to look at Anna Dean caught sight of his holster. Cop.

 

“What’s this about, Cas?” Michael jumped right in as soon as they were all seated, no pretense. He didn’t sound angry as much as worried, and that offered Dean some relief.

 

“There’s a longer version if you need it, but I’m pretty sure all you need to know right now is that this is Dean Winchester.” Novak had dropped a hand on Dean’s shoulder like they were friends and Dean swiveled to glare at him. Novak caught it but held his position. Anna and Michael exchanged their own looks.

 

“So you know who he is, I take it.”

 

Anna’s mouth opened like she wanted to speak but she wasn’t sure what to say. She pressed her lips together for a moment before looking her brother in the eye. “It happened this morning. I’m not even sure how you-“

 

“Like I said, it’s a long story. Do you feel the pull to him? A connection?”

 

Anna glanced at her husband. “Not at all.”

 

Novak turned to Dean. “You?”

 

“Nothing.” Dean shrugged.

 

“Then we need to get you to a hospital.” Novak went to his sister’s side. “I’ll make sure they are ready for us.”

 

Michael stood up, hands to his hips then down to his sides as he started pacing. “You haven’t seen your sister in years and you just call and suddenly show up and scare us both to death? You tell us what’s going on or we don’t go anywhere.”

 

Dean was certain Anna would be a lost cause, but Novak turned to his sister and with more compassion and urgency than Dean had ever seen he begged her to accept an explanation later and please get to the hospital. She turned to her husband and nodded. “Just to be safe.”

 

“I can explain in the car,” Novak said as he stood. “Dean, you call Charlie and ask her to go ahead and call the hospital. I gave her all the information before we left. She’ll know what to do. Follow us in the Impala.”

 

Dean nodded. They were all off in a few minutes, Novak with his sister and brother-in-law, Dean following behind as instructed. He called Charlie and when he hung up with her he knew this was his chance. He could drive off without Novak and head back home- or anywhere else- and try to pretend this whole phase of his life was over. Of course, Novak would just rent a car and find him again. He knew Novak wouldn’t give up until he knew for certain what was causing the problem and that it had been stopped. And now that his sister was involved… No. Dean stayed behind the red 4-door in front of him all the way to the ER entrance. He had to finish this out so that Novak didn’t have any reason to suspect him of anything. He had to make sure that the whole thing was over- no more names, no more deaths.

 

When Dean got to the ER no one would let him know what was going on so he sat in the waiting room and settled in with a magazine. Novak found him just a few minutes later.

 

“The doctor wants to see your mark.”

 

“What?” Dean hustled to keep up, but Novak stalked through the halls like he would all out run if it were allowed.

 

“I got him on the phone with Charlie and he wants to compare your marks.”

 

Anna was sitting up on the bed and giving her history and when Dean and Novak reached her room she stopped. “That’s him.”

 

The doctor beckoned Dean to come in. “Let me see your mark.”

 

Dean raised his t-shirt in compliance and settled it all back once the doctor had noted it in his chart. He compared it again to Anna’s and frowned. “You don’t feel the pull?”

 

Both Anna and Dean shook their heads. “I’m already married anyway,” Anna said.

 

“And I’m not really interested in, you know, settling down.” Dean shoved his hands in his pockets.

 

“Are either of you feeling flushed or confused?” The doctor asked without looking up.

 

Both denied it and the doctor continued. “Light headed? Racing heart? Chest pain?”

 

“No.” Dean said. “I’m not the one that will have the Lonely Heart symptoms- she will.”

 

“And I feel fine,” Anna said. “If we don’t feel the pull can’t we both just go our separate ways?”

 

“No, Anna.” Novak insisted. “You don’t understand. You can die from this if it isn’t caught right away.”

 

“But I feel… fine…” Anna’s eyelids fluttered and she leaned back onto one hand.

 

“Anna?” Michael was right at her side and as she fainted back he eased her to the bed. The doctor moved into action and Dean and Novak were pushed from the room. Other medical personnel flooded the room, leaving Novak to pace and worry. Dean crouched down against the wall, head low, prepared to wait a while and trying to make peace with the fact that he might end up responsible for Novak’s sister’s death.

 

“She’ll be okay.” Novak’s deep gravelly voice hit him. “You were right in the car. The backup plan is solid. They’ll get her the suppressant she needs and get her stabilized and she’ll be fine.”

 

“So what do I do then? I live the rest of my life plagued with this thing and have to drive all over trying to get girls to believe me when I say they might die because of my name on their chest?” Dean shook his head, trying to keep himself from winding up in tears. “Or maybe a PSA to warn people that if my name shows up on them they had better hightail it to an emergency room or they’ll end up in a box.”

 

“We will solve this.” Novak sounded like he believed it, but Dean wasn’t so sure. “Maybe there is a suppressant for you that will keep you from contracting names.”

 

“Maybe,” Dean muttered.

 

They both stared ahead at the room, Novak hoping that his sister would be one of the survivors of the Winchester name, and Dean hoping that he wouldn’t have another person’s lost life hanging over his head.

 

It was a long while before the door to Anna’s room slid open again. Dean looked up as several people in scrubs came back out. Novak stood up from where he had knelt next to Dean, shuffling back and forth as he tried to find someone who could talk to him about his sister. It was Michael that finally appeared at the tail end with his hands in his pockets.

 

“Is she okay?” Novak asked, voice desperate.

 

Michael nodded like it was the only response he could give. He had to pull himself together before he could speak, and even then his voice was hoarse. “She’ll be okay, but they’re admitting her until they can get it under control.” He patted Novak on the shoulder. “Thanks for coming to warn us. She probably would have died while they tried to figure it out.”

 

“Of course. Can I see her?”

 

Michael nodded. Dean stood up when they left. His calves were cramping and he paced the hall to work them loose again. Anna would be okay, this one would move on. Would her name disappear from his body even though she didn’t die? Maybe he would always have her there as a reminder of the one time in his life he was able to play the hero, even if it was an accidental one. No one was coming back out, but Dean looked up every time someone walked by until a nurse stopped and asked if he was okay.

 

“I’m fine,” he lied. “Just waiting for a friend.”

 

“You’re face is red- are you having any problems-”

 

“I’m fine.” He insisted, probably a little more gruffly than necessary. The nurse moved on but just as she cleared the hallway Dean bent over double suddenly gasping for breath. Black edged in a few seconds later as he knelt in the hallway and there was a flash through his mind that he was going to die there in the hallway.

 

“Dean!” Novak’s deep voice rattled last in his head and then he gripped him tight. Dean looked up at him, at his bright blue eyes and said, “don’t try to save me” before he passed out.

 

************

 

“You can’t do any procedures on him. He has a traumatic past and some level of PTSD that you will trigger if you try to do anything.”

 

“It’s just an IV, Mr. Novak. Standard care.”

 

“And I’m telling you that you will trigger him and he will freak the fuck out. I’ve seen him do it.”

 

“Mr. Novak-“

 

“I’m awake,” Dean croaked. “No needles. Novak is right. I will indeed freak the fuck out.” He smiled weakly at Novak. “Unless you’re trying to get me to hulk out on purpose.”

 

The doctor stepped toward him and Dean sat up too quickly in his haste to put space between them. Novak was there first, and he held a hand out to keep the doctor back. To her credit the doctor stepped back and waited until Dean was fully righted.

 

“My name is Dr. Tessa Gaines. You passed out in the hallway. I’d like to run a blood panel and get you on an IV.”

 

“Why?” Dean tried to relax, but Novak was right there like he owned the space and Dean was afraid to say he might need him to stay there as a barrier between him and the doctor he didn’t know.

 

“I want to check your blood sugar and your amoramine level primarily. Mr. Novak was telling me why you’re here, and I think we’d be wise to check your levels.”

 

Dean looked at Novak. “What would Charlie say?”

 

“You should do it. The comparison of your levels from earlier and right now after you’ve seen Anna would probably help her.”

 

Dean closed his eyes. Could he do it? Could he handle it one more time? He was more prepared, had more choice this time… “Okay. It has to be quick. And you can’t take too much. I really don’t know how I’ll do if it takes too long.”

 

“I’ll help you if you want,” Novak said.

 

Dr. Gaines frowned at Dean. “Are you former military?”

 

“No.” Dean dropped his eyes. There was no way he was spilling to a random doc in a random ER. “Just fucked up from a past life.”

 

“Just needles?”

 

Dean closed his eyes and breathed deep. Panic was already starting to set in. “Can we just do this? Quick?”

 

“Of course,” she said. She scribbled a few things into the chart and nodded to him before she stepped into the hall.

 

Novak circled to stand in front of Dean, his brow furrowed. “Are you okay?” he asked.

 

“Yeah. Just… what happened?”

 

“Maybe your own hormone spike? Fear? You’re in a hospital and I assume there’s a bad association there for you.”

 

“Kind of. They’ll do the blood and… I don’t know about the IV, man.”

 

“Okay. We’ll just tell her.” Novak’s entire focus was on Dean’s eyes as they spoke and Dean had to admit he felt a little calmer. There he was again- the loner at the bar with the amazing blue eyes- not Novak the stalker P.I.

 

Dr. Gaines returned with a nurse and she smiled widely at Dean. “Left or Right?”

 

“I had a draw on the left side earlier, so right I guess.” Dean said as he laid down.

 

“What do you want me to do?” Novak stood on his left side as the nurse set up the tray on the right.

 

“I don’t know talk to me. Keep me here,” Dean said. It was vague but Novak caught it and nodded.

 

“Okay, Dean,” The nurse said softly. “You’re going to feel the stick and we’ll be as fast as we can. Ready?”

 

“Yeah. Talk,” he said to Novak.

 

“Uh, okay. So I have a twin brother, Jimmy.”

 

“You already told me that.” Dean flinched when the needle went in, but kept his eyes on Novak.

 

“I know. Well, turns out you might meet him. He’s coming to see Anna. We’re identical, so I thought I’d warn you about that.”

 

“Is he as serious as you?”

 

Novak frowned and Dean smiled at the expression, which made Novak’s brow furrow deeper. Dean loved that he didn’t even have to say a word to get a rise out of him.

 

“We’re not at all alike,” Novak said.

 

“So I’ll be able to tell you apart pretty easy then. I’ll just look for the twin with a stick up his- goddammit…” Dean hissed. He started to look over to where the nurse was working quickly, but Novak called his name with a firm snap and Dean looked back to him that instant.

 

“Dean,” Novak said again, softly this time. “Stay here with me.”

 

Dean blinked at the phrase, but nodded, staring at Novak. That’s what he needed- what he had told Novak he needed. But he didn’t expect Novak’s earnest look and those words and those goddamn eyes. A second later the nurse proclaimed she was done and was pressing a cotton ball to the puncture and strapping a bandaid over it.

 

“We’ll start the IV next,” Dr. Gaines said, and Dean shook his head.

 

“No IV,” he said. “I don’t think I can do both.”

 

“Okay,” she said. “I can respect that. Would you agree to do it if your labs show that you need it?”

 

Dean swallowed and glanced over at Novak. Novak shrugged. “Don’t look at me. It’s up to you.”

It was. Why the hell was he looking at Novak?

 

“Uh, sure. Maybe. Can we see if I’m doing okay then?”

 

“Of course. I’ll be back as soon as I have labs for you.”

 

Novak followed her out and Dean tried to relax back. Novak was probably on his way back to his sister. Dean wanted to know how Anna was doing as well. If Novak didn’t come back after a while he would try to text him and see what was going on. Right now he had to make a decision about the IV. The last time he’d had an IV… that was not going to happen again, he told himself. This is not the same as that place. He pushed up and inspected the site of the blood draw. Everything looked fine, clean, simple. They had what they needed and Novak could get the numbers to Charlie. Dean swung his legs over the side and stood up. A little woozy, nothing crazy. If Anna was okay he could head home. He could drive for a little while then find somewhere to sleep in the car for a while before the longer leg of the drive.

 

“You okay?” Novak was looking him up and down in the doorway with a chair in his hands.

 

“Yeah. Fine. I think I should go, you know?”

 

“Not until your labs come back. I’m worried about your amoramine levels.”

 

Dean eased back onto the bed. “Okay, but after that I’m heading home.”

 

Novak didn’t react at all, just set the chair next to Dean’s bed and sat down.

 

“Why are you here?” Dean asked. “Your sister is here and you should be with her. She’s way more important-“

 

“You’re important,” Novak said. Dean scoffed.

 

“More than your sister and a family reunion or whatever? Isn’t your brother coming?”

 

“He is.”

 

“You don’t want to miss him.”

 

“You can’t get rid of me.” Novak fixed him with his solid stare and Dean gave him the same back.

 

“Am I back to being a suspect? I came here willing to try to fix this, didn’t I? And it looks like your sister is saved. So can’t you just let me go?”

 

“Not until I make sure you’re okay too.”

 

Dean laughed a little. “I’m always okay.”

 

“Obviously not. Whatever happened to you before is following you.”

 

Dean laid back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. This was exactly what they were not going to do. He did what he did best, going silent and sullen, staring at nothing and trying every trick he knew to stuff it all back into the little corner of his head where the past lived.

 

“You don’t have to tell me what it was,” Novak said. “But it’s okay that you’re like this. You’re not fucked up- you’re just you.”

 

Dean snorted. “Trying to be my therapist?”

 

“No…” Novak put his head down and grew quiet. “Just one fuck up trying to tell another fuck up

that you’re okay.”

 

Dean stared at the top of Novak’s dark head trying to decide between being indignant or grateful. Eventually shook his head and looked back to the ceiling. “You don’t even know.”

 

Novak laughed dryly. “How it is to run from something?”

 

Dean rolled his eyes. “Whatever, man.” All bullshit. Lying to try to connect, to get him vulnerable, make him feel something. And then he’d hit him with the punch. He’d turn the file over to the cops or find a way to frame him. He’d-

 

“You asked why I’m with you instead of Anna.” Novak said softly. “I can’t see her.”

 

Dean decided to bite. “Why?”

 

Novak looked up long enough to catch Dean’s eye for just a moment. “My brother is up there.”

 

“I thought you wanted to see him.”

 

Novak settled in to staring at the beige tile of the floor. “When we were in high school he started dating this girl- Amelia. Jimmy got around some before that, but then he met Amelia he changed. He was serious about her right away and I got to know her too. We spent all our time together. Jimmy asked her to marry him during senior year at college and they got married that summer. We were 21 and neither of us had a match. Amelia didn’t either. We just figured we were the minority, you know?”

 

Novak leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, arms dangling between his long legs. He looked helpless and sick and for a minute Dean thought he would actually pass out right there, but then Novak shook his head and continued. “She was pregnant with my niece when I got her as my match. And I felt sick the instant I saw it. She’s my brother’s wife. I left and didn’t look back.”

 

“You didn’t say goodbye or anything?”

 

“I didn’t want to risk the pull. I can’t risk it now. Jimmy loves her, she loves Jimmy, they have  a daughter- I’m not going to cause the end of their family.” Novak loosened his tie and undid the top two buttons of his white collared shirt.

 

“So how does your brother feel about your name being tattooed on his wife’s chest?” It had to be hard to see your brother’s name marking your wife’s body every day, a blatant reminder that she wasn’t supposed to belong to him.

 

Novak shrugged. “It’s a closed issue at this point. We use skype so I can see Claire- my niece-without risking the chemical contact, but it’s been eight years. ”

 

“Mr. Winchester.” Dr. Gaines came in with a cheery smile and a clipboard in one hand. A nurse bustled in behind her with a little plastic cup in each hand. Novak retreated to the corner of the room.

 

“I have a little gift for you. No IV right now as long as you take these.”

 

“What are they?” Dean eyed the little white pills with suspicion.

 

“An amoramine suppressant. I’ve been in contact with Dr. Bradbury thanks to Mr. Novak here and she believes that if we can lower your amoramine levels you will be free of your symptoms. I’ve never actually seen anyone with amoramine levels as high as yours. You should be seizing at this point.”

 

“Well, that’s reassuring.”

 

Dr. Gaines laughed, and that eased Dean tremendously. He relaxed into a grin.

 

“Exactly, Dr. Gaines said. “We’re going to get your levels back down before you go home and you’re going to have to continue on a suppressant therapy.”

 

“As in forever?”

 

“We’ll have to see what works.”

 

 _Shit._ Dean took the pills and tossed them in his mouth before accepting the water and drinking it all. “So I can go now, right?”

 

“I want you to give the medicine some time to work.”

 

Dean flopped back on the bed impatiently. “How long?”

 

“A couple hours. I’ll be back to check on you in a while.” Dr. Gaines smiled again and Dean resisted the urge to punch her and her peppy attitude in the face.

 

“Well, that’s good news. Maybe this is over with suppressant therapy,” Novak said.

 

“And what if it’s not? I didn’t connect or whatever with Anna, so what now?”

 

“Maybe with the suppressants you won’t have levels high enough to produce a match anymore.”

 

Dean stared at the ceiling. He really was the center of it. He was the one responsible for all the death, and now his hope lay in two little white pills. And if it didn’t work he was doomed to trying to convince everyone that showed up on his chest to get to the hospital immediately for suppressant therapy- not exactly the life he wanted to live.

 

“Can we at least find out if Anna is okay?” Dean asked.

 

“I don’t want to go up in case Amelia is up there. But I’ll text Michael for an update.” Novak fished in the pocket of his trench coat for his phone and started to text, glaring at the phone as if the device was to blame for all of his problems.

 

When he finished he looked up to find Dean watching him.

 

“What?” Novak asked.

 

“You text like an old man.”

 

“Big fingers on a little keyboard. I go slowly for accuracy.”

 

“That’s what autocorrect is for.”

 

Novak eyed Dean dubiously for a moment then looked back to the phone that had just buzzed in his hands.

 

“He says she’s doing well. They’re going to keep her overnight for observation.” Novak leaned back in his chair as he started his slow one-finger hunting for letters.

 

Dean rolled his eyes and sat up. The faint edge of dizziness dissipated quickly and he swung his legs over the edge. Panic had been humming at a low pitch inside him for awhile, but the longer he stayed it would slowly creep up on him. He needed to get out of there.

 

Novak straightened in his chair. “Where are you going?” Novak asked.

 

“The bathroom.” Dean pointed to the door and let Novak know with a roll of the eyes that he didn’t need babysitting. He went in there partly to get away. Away from Novak and his sympathy, away from the hospital bed, the machines… shutting the door against it all felt like an escape to a tiny oasis. It was quiet in there, but a little too bright with the hospital lights. Dean leaned against the counter and breathed deep, determined to stay calm. It rose too fast though and Dean was suddenly hot all over as a wave of panic moved through him. He did the deep breaths and splashed water on his face. _It will pass. It will pass. It will pass…_

 

He hit his face with a little more water, then when that still wasn’t enough he stripped off his plaid shirt. The relief it provided was instant and Dean leaned against the sink counter with his hands. _I’m here. Now._ He gripped the counter til his knuckles went white and there was no denying where he was physically.

 

Another wave of heat went through him and Dean stripped his tshirt. He dropped it on the counter with his plaid shirt. “Son of a bitch…” He reached for the tap, but a pain through his chest dropped him against the counter. Heat seemed to radiate from his body, up and through his head and for a moment he thought he was going to pass out and die right here. He grabbed for the door as he fell to his knees, managing to jiggle the handle, but not to open it. Dean bent over onto his hands, gulping air in as if it could save him.

 

“Novak!” He only had the breath for one loud call, and a moment later Novak was at the door tapping.

 

“Did you call me, Dean?’

 

“Get in… here.” Dean gasped between words and when the door swung open it almost hit him in the head. He saw Novak’s shiny dark shoes for a brief moment and then they were gone- Novak left him and Dean knew he’d die on that damn bathroom floor.

 

The shoes returned. “Lay down,” Novak said.

 

“Not on... this... floor,” Dean gasped. “the germs…”

 

Novak’s face appeared mysteriously close to his. “I’m rolling you over.”

 

Dean let go and went with Novak’s motion as another pain moved through him. There was a lot of noise and talking, and then suddenly he was surrounded by people. Someone pressed a cold stethoscope to his bare chest, someone else was taking his pulse at the wrist and a third someone took Novak’s place and leaned over Dean.

 

“Chest pain?”

 

“I can’t… breath. It’s so… hot.” Dean said.

 

The someone that was talking with him ran off and Novak was back, concern painted over his face.

 

“If I die… it’s over.” Dean gritted out. “The girls…”

 

“You’re not going to die, Dean.” Novak said it plain, and Dean knew immediately that he was lying, but this time the lie was meant to comfort him. Dean would have said the same.

 

“Case over.” Dean tried to smile, but pain in his chest curled him up, away from all the prying hands.

 

More people flooded in and it took three men to get Dean onto his bed. Dr Gaines was right there at his side.

 

“I think you’re having a reaction to the suppressant, Dean. We have to do the IV.”

 

“No.”

 

Dr. Gaines’ face went suddenly cross. “Dean, the medication I need to give you to fix this has to come through the IV. It’s the only way.”

 

“Please... don’t.” Dean gasped, but then another pain seized him and he curled up. Novak was right there, a hand on Dean’s shoulder.

 

“Dean, please!” Novak demanded.

 

Dr. Gaines leaned over Dean again. “Dean, This reaction can kill you.”

 

“Knock me out first.” Dean pushed the sentence out in a rush of air and stretched out, sweat beading on his body.

 

“And then we can administer medication?” Dr. Gaines asked.

  
“Yes,” Dean said and the medical personnel in the room jumped into action.


	6. Visitation

Dean woke with a start, cold and sore. He moved to sit up, but his head pounded and then he saw it- the IV line down into his hand where the catheter was taped firmly. Panic rose and he sat up fast.

 

“Don’t displace it,” Novak cautioned from a chair parked at the end of Dean’s bed. “You’re doing much better after the medication.” He stood up and came over to the IV side of the bed to examine Dean’s arm.

 

Dean looked up at him. Novak looked exhausted, like the crinkles that usually edged his eyes had swelled and sagged in the hours Dean had been asleep.  “What happened?” Dean asked.

 

Novak frowned, and Dean smirked at the reaction. Novak had no other moves but to frown or look like a brick wall. “They sedated you so they could put the IV in. They’ve been in and out for labs all night.”

 

“All night?” Dean turned to the window. It was dim outside, light on it’s way up. He blinked his way around the room shaking his head to clear it.

 

“You admitted me?”

 

“Dr. Gaines did. They’ll let you out once your levels drop. Charlie says they won’t get to normal range, but Dr. Gaines agreed to release you once it’s normal range for you.”

 

“So what’s the level now?”

 

“I don’t know. She hasn’t given any of your medical information to me.”

 

Dean avoided looking at the IV line and swallowed hard. “What about Anna? Is she okay?”

 

“She’s doing very well. Her mark faded and her most recent labwork showed a drop.”

 

Someone had pulled a hospital gown over his arms at some point and Dean pulled it down to check his chest. Nothing. Dean breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe if they could get this all under control it really could be over.

 

“How long til I get this thing out?”

 

“I’m not sure. Dr. Gaines said she’d leave an order for it.”

 

Dean settled back, trying to keep his attention off the catheter in his hand and steady his breathing. “Can you tell her I need this out right away? I don’t know how long I can do this while I’m awake.”

 

Novak leaned across Dean for the remote attached to the bed. He pressed the nurse call button and smiled at Dean as he straightened up. “Do you need anything else?”

 

It was hard to ask, but Dean was growing more desperate with every passing second. “Talk about something. Anything.” He turned his eyes up to the ceiling.

 

“Um, okay. How- how is Sam?”

 

“I haven’t called him since I’ve been gone.”

 

“Okay… um…. He and Madison have an anniversary coming up. Two years, right?”

 

“Pretty sure you already know the exact date.” Dean snuck a look at Novak who had looked down in- was that embarrassment?

 

“Are they planning to have any kids?”

 

“Uh, probably. I told him not to ‘til I get back.”

 

Novak chuckled and met Dean’s eyes. The smile was not at all what Dean had expected. It took some of the years off his face and lit up his eyes. “How long did you think you were going to be gone?”

 

Dean’s eyes narrowed slightly. Novak couldn’t be that stupid, right? “I wasn’t sure.”

 

Dean saw almost the exact moment that Novak realized the possible implications- his eyebrows were like a thermometer. “Still think you’ll be gone long?”

 

“No longer than it takes to clear this all up.”

 

Novak was left staring when the nurse came in asking what Dean needed.

 

“The IV removed. Please. Fast.”

 

“Of course, Mr. Winchester.” He worked quickly, though not quickly enough for Dean. Novak had been pushed around to the other side of the bed by the nurse’s work and Dean looked at him, needing to focus anywhere but on his arm.

 

“What do we do after this?”

 

“Um- tonight we’ll get a motel room. I’d like to stay in town until I’m sure Anna is okay.”

 

“Of course.” Dean’s chest rose and fell with big forced breaths as he purposed not to think of the IV or look at the equipment or-

 

“Dean.” The firm calling of his name caught him and Dean looked up at Novak, desperate for help he didn’t want to ask for.

 

“Focus on me,” Novak said. One corner of his mouth pulled back in a half smile and Dean felt something else in his chest.

 

“Okay…” Dean said.

 

“Hopefully Charlie will have something for us soon- for you, really. And… if you get another name in the meantime we go there.”

 

“There you are, Mr. Winchester.” the nurse said. “I’m Chuck, by the way. I’ll be your nurse all day today. Call if you need anything else, but I’ll be back in for vitals soon.”

 

“Thanks.” Dean clutched his arm to his body as he watched the nurse leave then looked back to Novak. “Am I going to have to go through this every time I meet a match?”

 

“I don’t know,” Novak said. “That’s a good question for Charlie.”

 

Dean looked back at the ceiling. He had given up on most things a long time ago, but maybe now he could do something.  “I guess it’s worth it. If it saves their lives.”

 

“It is, Dean. I’m glad you see it that way.”

 

“Thanks, by the way.”

 

“For what?” Novak asked.

 

“I guess for watching out for me here. Not letting them stick stuff in me until I could say if I wanted it, answering the bathroom door… I don’t know. All that.”

 

“Oh. Um. Of course, Dean. You’re welcome.” Novak sputtered through it all and Dean took a deep breath. How was this the same guy that had held him to the table the previous morning while Dr. Bradbury finished her blood draw? The guy who threatened to expose him to everyone, to turn in the files that made it appear that he was a serial killer? He had spent the last day and night at Dean’s side, protecting his interests when he couldn’t look out for himself, calling for the doctor when he had the reaction. Worst of all the little things- the smile, the way he talked about his family, the sputtering- were all endearing, and he couldn’t afford endearing. Not now, not with Novak, great smile or not.

 

“You should catch some sleep, Novak. You look like hell.”

 

Novak laughed, but just for a few beats before he grabbed the chair from the end of the bed and pulled it up to Dean’s side. “These chairs aren’t exactly conducive to restful sleep,” he said, but he sat anyway.

 

Dean laid back. His head still felt thick from his drugged sleep and while his body was weary from the trauma of the past several hours, he could not get his mind to close down. He needed to call Sam and check in with Bobby at some point. Contacting them was at least one promise he could keep. He found that he wanted to see Anna- to actually see her and know she was okay from more than just a few texted words from her husband. She deserved the life she’d chosen with him, not the consequences of Dean’s malfunctioning endocrine system.

 

Chuck returned and grinned at Dean, motioning to Novak with his head before checking Dean’s monitor. “Talked him into sleeping, huh?”

 

Dean stretched up enough to see Novak’s head lolled back onto the top of the chair, legs sprawled. Dean chuckled and looked back up to the nurse. “I guess he was finally tired.”

 

“I think he knows you’re out of danger now.” Chuck said. “Can I take a listen to your heart?” He pulled his stethoscope from around his neck as he watched for Dean’s response.

 

“Uh, sure. Yeah.”

 

Chuck worked carefully around Novak’s sleeping form as he pulled the top of Dean’s gown down enough to put the stethoscope to his chest. He listened for awhile, moving to a few different places on Dean’s chest before straightening up and nodding.

 

“Sounds good.” Chuck backed away, returning the stethoscope to his neck before taking Dean’s wrist in his hand and holding it gently, checking his pulse.

 

“You have to work around people like that all the time?” Dean gestured at Novak.

 

Chuck laughed softly. “Pretty often. It’s hard to leave when someone is very ill.” He grew serious then. “He hasn’t left. Or slept. Just so you know.”

 

“That doesn’t surprise me,” Dean said. Novak had relaxed enough to settle into a low snore. Of course he had to make sure Dean didn’t go anywhere. But maybe now he really fully believed that Dean had no malicious part in the deaths of the girls.

 

Chuck released him and patted him on the shoulder. “I’ll be back in after a while.”

 

“Hey, um… Chuck? When do I get out of here?”

 

“Dr. Gaines will talk with you about that when she does rounds.”

 

“Okay. Thanks.”

 

Chuck pulled the door closed quietly behind him and Dean lay still in the early morning light. So much of him wanted to jump up, grab his things, and go, but the simple lack of energy was a major deterrent. And Novak seemed- well, he seemed to be on his side now. Firmly on his side. It had been so long since someone had been in Dean’s corner that he almost didn’t recognize it, but it looked like Chuck was right. Novak hadn’t gone anywhere. He’d fought for him when Dean couldn’t fight for himself and that alone… well, Dean didn’t even know if he fully trusted Sam to do that for him these days.

 

There was a soft rap on the door and Dean craned his neck to see who it was.

 

“Come in,” he croaked when the door didn’t open.

 

Novak shifted in his chair and Dean cursed himself for waking him until he saw who it was.

 

“Good morning, Mr. Winchester.” She said. “Or is it Singer? I’m not sure which one you go by these days.” Special Agent Jody Mills looked the same as she had last time he saw her aside from the shorter hairstyle and a few more lines at the corners of her eyes.

 

“Mostly Singer. Unless it’s you, of course.” Dean tried a smile, but the flirtation fell flat. He was too tired and she was too long over his bullshit.

 

“Of course,” she said. “And you are?” Agent Mills gave a pointed look at Novak as he stood up to face her. They took each other in, measuring, calculating and finally Novak answered her.

 

“Castiel Novak. Who are you?

 

“Special Agent Jody Mills. I’d like you to leave the room please. Dean and I go way back and we have some things to discuss.”

 

Novak used his squint on her and Dean shook his head. “Just go, Novak. We’ll be done in a minute.”

 

“Dean-” Novak turned, but stopped short with his argument.

 

“I’m not in danger.”

 

Novak’s eyes narrowed into his super squint. “We will discuss this after.”

 

Dean snorted. “Right. Get out of here.”

 

Novak did, grabbing his trench coat from the chair like it had personally offended him. Only Dean saw the look of deep distrust Novak cast from the doorway before he closed them off. Dean imagined he was probably standing an inch from the thick door out in the hall, willing himself to hear every word.

 

“How’ve you been, Dean?”Agent Mills asked. She stepped forward, hands in her pockets, until she was next to the bed, practically taking Novak’s spot.

 

“Okay. You?”

 

She didn’t bite. “You changed your name.”

 

“Felt like a good idea.”

 

Agent Mills smiled like she was figuring out her next move and Dean prepared himself to counter it.

 

“I was in town interviewing. Imagine how surprised I was to hear your name again.”

 

Dean shrugged and let his head fall back on the bed. He wasn’t going to say anything he didn’t have to.

 

“We are very close to pressing charges, but we need your testim-”

 

“No.” Dean met her eyes and dared her to push back again. Her dark eyes were hard, but not completely uncaring. She needed him and she was prepared to fight to get him to play nice, but she did have a heart.

 

“What can I do to change your mind?”

 

“Absolutely nothing. And if you ask me again I’ll hide again and you will never find me this time.”

 

She swallowed and Dean watched every motion- the tick of her brow, the way she regrouped before she spoke again.

 

“He’s doing it again, Dean. If we work together we can stop this.”

 

“And before we get to trial he kills me and Sam and Madison and Bobby and-”

 

Agent Mills held up a hand. “I get it. I get it, Dean.”

 

Maybe she did. Maybe she actually understood the stakes here. Maybe she-

 

“We need you to do the right thing.”

 

“And I need you to go.”

 

Agent Mills smiled to hide her frustration, but didn’t make a move to leave. “Dean-”

 

“Novak!” Dean called. He hated to use him that way, but damn was it convenient. Just as he thought, Novak burst in with his trench coat whirling around him.

 

Agent Mills shook her head at Dean then took in Castiel’s harried presence. “Never thought you would go the bodyguard route.” She reached into the inside pocket of her jacket and pulled out a card. She placed it on the table next to Dean’s bed.

 

“Contact me when you change your mind.” She held Dean’s eyes with hers. She understood him, but she didn’t like it.

 

“Just like last time, Agent,” Dean said when she had turned her back to him. He watched her stiffen from the base of her spine up until her shoulders popped back. She shook her head slightly to shake it loose again before she walked out the door. Novak moved swiftly behind her to latch it and stalked back to Dean’s bed.

 

“What was that?” he demanded.

 

“I was involved in a case several years ago. She was checking in.”

 

“What case? When?” Novak demanded.

 

Dean watched his face, waiting for Novak to think through, catch up, and… “The time I’m not allowed to talk to you about,” Novak said.

 

Dean nodded.

 

“Protective custody. I’m sorry. I understand now. This- whatever this is with you-

 

That’s enough, Novak.” Dean said softly as he laid back again.

 

Novak pulled the chair a little closer and collapsed into it. “You should try to sleep again.”

 

“You too, detective.” Dean knew sleep wouldn’t come for him and probably not for Novak either. He needed to get out of there now more than just because of his usual impulse to run. There was too much shit happening in his present to have to deal with the past too.

 

There was another tap at the door and Novak was on his feet before Dean could sit up. They both eased when it was Dr. Gaines and a few other doctors following. Novak pulled his chair back from Dean’s bedside so she could take that space.

 

“Good morning, Dean. How do you feel?”

 

“Exhausted. Like I ran a marathon.”

 

“Well, your heart was working overtime for awhile before we could get the meds flushed from your system.”

 

“Did my amoramine levels go down?”

 

“Yes. I’m still waiting on your last labs, but I expect them to show levels low enough to release you in the next few hours.”

 

That would have to be good enough. He could do a few more hours, but he had a lot to plan. The doctor ran through her checks and he answered her questions with anything he thought would get him out of there faster. She seemed pleased with his progress and said so. She patted him on the shoulder and did the same to Novak on her way out. The other doctors followed and when she pulled open the door she smiled back at them. “Looks like you have a visitor?”

 

Novak met Dean’s eyes and Dean groaned. “Fucking no. I’m done with that if she’s back.”

 

The doctors cleared out and someone else stepped in. Dean blinked.

 

“Hey, Cas.”

 

Jimmy Novak. From the curve of his mouth to the electric blue eyes to the goddamn bed head it was Novak to a tee. Jimmy obviously saw more sun than his brother and he showed very little of the strain Novak seemed to carry as a personal mantle, but in every other way they were identical.

 

Novak stood there staring at his mirror and a long moment passed before either of them made a move.

 

“So, uh… Anna is being released and I still hadn’t seen you yet,” Jimmy started.

 

“You know why I didn’t come up..”

 

“Cas-”

  
“Jimmy.” Novak had the fiercer stare and Jimmy backed down.

 

“As hilarious as this is to watch,” Dean said. “I’m trying to get some sleep over here. So-”

 

“You should be going.” Novak crossed the room in a few long strides and grabbed the door, motioning for Jimmy to go through.

 

“Cas, it doesn’t have to be like this,” Jimmy said.

 

“You know why it does.”

 

“Castiel.” The waiver in Jimmy’s voice stopped him and the muscle in Novak’s jaw ticked as he considered. He looked back at Dean.

 

“Please apologize to Anna on my behalf. Tell her I’ll come by the house to see her tomorrow after Dean is settled.” Novak said.

 

Jimmy nodded and even from the bed Dean could tell he didn’t want to go.

 

“I just wanted to see you again,” Jimmy said. “Really see you.”

 

Novak went stiff at the words.

 

“Go talk to your brother, asshole,” Dean said. “I’m fine here.”

 

Novak glared but turned back to his brother and motioned to the door. “I won’t be gone long,” he said, and Dean wasn’t sure who he was saying it for.

 

Novak wasn’t lying. He was gone five minutes at the most and when he came back he threw himself into the chair that was still in the corner from Dr. Gaines’ visit.

 

“You okay?” Dean asked.

 

“I’m always okay,” Novak growled.

 

***********

 

“She wants to see you, Novak.” Dean said.

 

“Call me Castiel, please, in front of my family.”

 

“Yeah. Yeah, sure.”

 

Novak sat nervous in the next seat, eyes darting everywhere, sitting shifted to the side. Dean rolled his eyes. Novak had cranked him out of bed just before lunch, insisting he get up so they could go see Anna as promised. He rushed him out the door, barely letting Dean stop for something to eat, and now that they were really on the way to the house Novak developed cold feet.

 

“What did you tell them? Like- how we know each other?” Dean asked.

 

“They know you’re part of this case. No details at all, just that I’m working on solving whatever is wrong with you so this hormone surge won’t happen to anyone else. They might ask you for details, but you don’t have to tell them anything you’re not comfortable telling.”

 

Dean pulled up to the curb and parked. Dean followed Novak up to the door but as Novak went to knock the door opened and the very same blue eyes looked out at them. Novak backed up on the porch and Jimmy came out, a big smile on his face.

 

“Cas,” Jimmy smiled wide and spoke fondly as he went for a hug. Novak hugged him back somewhat awkwardly.

 

“Hey, Jimmy.”

 

“Um, so... Amelia’s inside, so-”

 

Novak nodded. “I’ll wait in the car.”

 

“We’ll be quick and then get out of your way.” Jimmy smiled sadly at his brother. “Maybe since the doctors figured out how to fix this weird thing with Anna and Dean they can figure out how to fix this thing with you and Amelia so we can actually see you again.”

 

“Sure.” Novak said. He walked back toward the impala and Dean jogged to catch up. He slid back behind the wheel and Novak slammed the passenger door hard. Dean watched him seeth and grit his teeth for a few minutes before he tried to smooth everything over.

 

“Hey, uh. Cas? Castiel?”

 

Novak looked at Dean, eyebrow quirked like he had no idea what to make of the fact that Dean had used his first name. Dean continued with a little stutter as he started. “Uh, maybe he’s right, you know? Maybe they fix this thing with me and they can work on fixing the thing for cases like you and Amelia.”

 

“There’s no fixing this one.” Novak said. He looked up at Jimmy and Amelia coming out of the house now, their young daughter with them. Jimmy waved over the little girl’s head and Amelia waved too, her motion small and hidden from her daughter. Novak put his hand up in his own hello/goodbye and she turned back toward her own vehicle. Novak never took his eyes off the little car as they all packed in and left, the little car pulling past Dean and Novak down the street like they had never crossed paths..

 

Novak popped the door open first and Dean followed. Michael met them on the porch and showed them in to where Anna was resting on the couch with a light blanket drawn over her. She smiled at her brother and then at Dean.

 

“Thanks for coming. Both of you.”

 

“When do you go back for labs?” Novak asked.

 

“Three days, then I’m meeting with the endocrinologist Dr. Bradbury recommended.”

 

Novak took out a small notepad from inside his trenchcoat and scribbled something down.

 

“Have them send any labs or test results to Dr. Bradbury. She’s collecting all the medical data in the case. She wants to get you on the phone for a complete history as well.”

 

“Anything that will help,” Anna said. “What about you, Dean?”

 

“What?” Dean startled.  “What do you mean?”

 

“I’m sure you want relief from this as well. Cas said you’ve had multiple matches involved.”

 

“Oh, well, this hasn’t happened to me before. I didn’t even know all this was going on until- Castiel, here- found me and clued me in. All the medical stuff-”

 

“So meeting up with me caused that.”

 

“Actually, it wasn’t meeting you,” Castiel said. “It happened when they tried to give him the same therapy you received and it spiked his levels instead. Dr. Bradbury is working on all of it. I’ll let you know if she finds anything at all that will be helpful to you.”

 

Novak hugged his sister a long time when it came time for them to leave. Dean walked on out to the Impala to give them some privacy and when Castiel slid into the passenger seat Dean was ready to go.

 

“Anywhere we have to go tonight? Anything to do?”

 

“We’re supposed to call Charlie in the morning, but nothing tonight. Not unless you generate a name.”

 

“Okay. Then we’re getting chinese and eating in the room.”

 

“I thought you wanted to be rid of me.”

 

Dean glanced up in the rearview mirror before he looked at Novak. “Sometimes things change.”

 

They made it back to the hotel room with chinese food and some booze. Novak groaned when Dean flipped through the channels and landed on Dr. Sexy again.

 

“God- is this show always on?” Novak asked.

 

“Ten seasons and still going strong, so yeah- there’s Dr. Sexy on somewhere most of the time.”

 

“It’s kind of terrible.”

 

Dean grinned at Novak over his beef and broccoli. “I think you mean kind of great.”

 

After two episodes, a lot of food and all of the six-pack of beer, Dean grabbed the bottle of Jim Beam and the plastic cups from the motel sink. He unwrapped them and poured, offering one to Novak. Novak took it and frowned into it.

 

“Come on,” Dean said. “Drink with me. The last few days have been some of the shittiest days of my life. I would have drank last night but I was too fucking exhausted and you put me to bed at like 8:00.”

 

“And you slept 15 hours, so you obviously needed the early bedtime.” Novak drank in one quick toss of his head.

 

Dean laughed, but tossed his own back and poured again.

 

“We should look at the case notes,” Novak said. “Be productive.”

 

“Not tonight. We have to wait on whatever name my shitty soulmate system spits out.”

 

“At least you get a chance over and over. Maybe you’ll land on one that clicks. I have one match in the entire world and she’s married to my brother.”

 

Dean held his cup out to Novak in a sort of salute. “That’s a pretty shitty hand too, Mr. Novak.”

 

“Castiel. Please,” Novak said. “Or Cas. Castiel is a mouthful at best.”

 

“Well, Cas, I believe you have a choice in all this romance stuff. So you can go out there and have any woman that wants to have you. Maybe it’s not a chemical match, but somehow humans still met and loved before the last 50 years or whatever when all this showed up.”

 

“It’s a nice guarantee though,” Cas said.

 

Dean snorted so hard he sloshed his drink. “Guarantee of what? Everyone will tell you it’s love and bliss, but that wasn’t true for my folks. They were soulmates and all my dad was ever good for was drinking worse. He treated my mom so bad… and well, you know what happened to her.” Dean finished what he had and quickly poured more.

 

“And she didn’t leave him?”

 

Dean shook his head. “She tried a couple times. The chemical draw is so strong and she couldn’t stay away long. And when she came back dad would be better for awhile, but then- you know- old habits die hard.” Dean looked down at the bizarre comforter on the motel bed. “She made it a long time with that bastard. I can’t blame her, you know. I mean, she waited til Sam was 18 and…” Dean drifted off. It was a sentence he had never been able to finish in the eight years since her passing and one he wasn’t sure he’d ever finish. Saying a thing out loud was making it so and even if he knew it to be true every single day he couldn’t bring himself to actually admit that her absence was due to her own hand.

 

“Anyway. I’m not making one of the biggest decisions of my life because of hormones. I don’t want to be forced to love someone- I want to just know I do. I mean, look at you- you can’t see your brother’s family because of some chemical reaction over a girl you don’t even love. I want to really love someone and not just because some weird writing on my chest told me to.”

 

Cas lifted the cup to his lips but didn’t drink for a moment. “I agree with you, Dean. But there’s something particularly difficult about having her name on your chest when you do love her.”

 

Dean’s eyebrows shot up as he watched Cas drink. “I’m sorry, man- I… I thought...”

 

Cas waved him off. “I got mostly over it when they got married. But when the name happened…” he chuckled to himself and shook his head. “No. I couldn’t.”

 

“So you left without saying goodbye and that was that.”

 

Cas let his head thunk back against the fake headboard nailed to the wall. “It felt like the universe mocking me. So I ran. That’s what I do.” Cas held his little plastic cup out to Dean. Dean poured for him and Cas thanked him with a nod. “You too, my friend. We are runners.”

 

“There was nothing wrong with what you did,” Dean said. He locked his eyes back on the ugly paisley comforter. “You were running to save them and save yourself. I ran to… I don’t even know what.”

 

“Where did you go?”

 

Dean locked up then and Cas stuttered an apology.

 

“No, it’s okay,” Dean said. “California.”

 

“And you got mixed up in whatever messed you up.” Cas let his head fall to the side so he could see Dean. “Your mom died and you didn’t know what to do. So you left. There was nothing wrong with that.”

 

“I left Sam.” Dean’s chin shook and he gritted his teeth, jaw muscles working overtime. He shouldn’t have had so much to drink. “And that little trip to see the ocean bit me in the ass.”

 

“I left Anna and Jimmy.” Cas said it all so simply, like it was all just okay that he had suddenly been gone one day. If Dean knew only one thing about his own situation it was that none of it had been okay. Not one second.

 

“Hey,” Cas said. Dean forced himself to look over at him, and those intense blue fucking eyes stared right back at him. “You’ve been living good ever since then. You and Sam are good, Bobby, Ellen- you rebuilt a family for yourself.”

 

“Yeah, but that doesn’t make any part of what I did okay.”

 

Cas smiled slightly, sadly. “You obviously haven’t learned yet that no one is ever okay. Not completely.”

 

“Don’t come back around with your ‘I’m a fuckup/you’re a fuckup’ routine.”

 

“We all are. Just some of us are worse than others.”

 

Dean slumped down. He knew exactly where he fell on that line of comparison and no one else ever needed to know.

 

“You’re better than most,” Cas continued. “You take your faults seriously and try to repair them. Most people throw their hands in the air and say that’s just how they are as a person. But you try to be better. I’ve gotten to know a lot of people like I know you and you are the only one in the bunch that was even trying to live a better life.”

 

“This is a better life?” Dean laughed. “My body is killing people, Cas.”

 

“Aside from that,” Cas said, and that really made Dean laugh. Then when Cas realized what he’d said he joined in.

 

“Really, Dean. You’re a good man.”

 

“Jesus fucking christ, Cas. You must be really drunk.”

 

Cas fixed him with his pointed stare and Dean sat up a little straighter. He nervously licked his lower lip and his breath caught when he saw Cas’s eyes drop to his mouth then dart back up.

 

“I’ve seen good and evil and everything in between,” Cas said. “You are a good man, Dean. You have to believe that.”

  
Dean turned back to the ceiling. Cas knew every quantifiable piece of data he could about Dean, and you could argue that he was in the best position to make a statement like that about Dean. But there he was, drawing the completely wrong conclusion. Dean knew exactly what he was and ‘good’ had nothing to do with him.


	7. What Could Be

When Dean woke the next morning it appeared Cas had been up for hours, papers stacked and spread all over the bed and his laptop out. He didn’t notice Dean was awake until he got up to go to the bathroom, but even then barely acknowledged him.

 

Dean came back out yawning and scratching his stomach. “What are you working on?”

 

“The case.”

 

“What part?” Dean sat down on his bed with a thump and yawned again.

 

“The ones that lived. Aaron Bass and Lisa Braeden. I want to figure out why they survived.” Cas stared intently at the computer screen, his eyes shifting back and forth as he read.

 

Dean sighed. Helping people survive this strange lottery was his job now. “Anything from Charlie yet?”

 

“No. But we’ll probably check in today. I know she’s waiting on your most recent labs. Or maybe she has them now that you’ve been out of the hospital for 24 hours.”

 

Dean laid back on the bed. For as long as he’d already slept he felt like he could pass out again.

 

“What time is it?”

 

“A little after ten. You okay?” Cas asked.

 

Dean looked over at him, Cas frowned at him, worry distorting his face even further. “I’m wiped out. I feel like I didn’t sleep at all.”

 

“Go back to sleep then. I’m just researching today unless you get a name or Charlie needs something.”

 

“I should help,” Dean mumbled even as he rolled over and pulled edge of the blanket over himself. He yawned again, eyes closing. Just a few minutes then...

 

Cas shook his shoulder and leaned over him saying, “Dean, we have to go.”

 

“What? Why?”

 

“Something happened to Lisa Braeden last night.”

 

“What?” Dean sat up and rubbed his eyes. “What happened?”

 

“Looks like a suicide.”

 

That woke Dean up. He was in and out of the bathroom quick and got his duffle bag repacked before Cas had a chance to finish packing his research.

 

“My associate is there gathering as much evidence as he can and he’ll secure a copy of the reports and labs we need. We need to get to Aaron Bass and see what we can do for him.”

 

“See if he’s suicidal?”

 

“Yes, or if he has a reaction to being near you. Either way we keep him alive a little longer.” Cas crammed the last of his notes into his bag and then grabbed the pack he carried his clothes in.

 

Neither spoke in the car until they had to stop for gas and food, and even after two hours of silence between them it was still hard to be the first one to address the giant elephant riding along with them.

 

“Explain this one to me, Cas,” Dean said. “The hormone spike theory I get. We saw it happen with me and Anna. And the other suicides were right after the name went away, right?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“So you tell me why this happened. She was on my chest months ago and my body moved on, so shouldn’t hers do the same? And if it didn’t why would she kill herself after so long?”

 

“I don’t know,” Cas said tersely.

 

“What do we do when we get to Aaron?”

 

“Depends on his state- try to convince him that he needs help. We’ll have to see what we can do.”

 

“Shit, Cas. This is… this is fucked up.”

 

“Maybe there’s something residual about Lonely Heart Syndrome that just now hit Lisa Braeden.”

 

“I don’t think so.” Dean shook his head. “It’s fast acting once they feel rejected. She lost my name months ago so it can’t be that.”

 

“Maybe there’s some part of it we don’t know or a rare type,” Cas said.

 

Dean slammed his hand down on the steering wheel. “Damn it, Cas- this one is not gonna be on me!”

 

“Dean…” Cas started like he had something to say, but he thought better of it and stopped himself. Dean wasn’t sure if that made him feel better or worse.

 

“Cas, I… I’m freaking out here. I mean, We can’t save them unless we know, and there wasn’t a name on me this time, so…”

 

Cas let the words hang between them, and fear boiled up in Dean at the sight of Cas’s passivity. “Cas, what is this?”

 

Cas breathed in through his nose, his stoic face unchanging as he breathed out. “I don’t know, Dean,” he finally said.

 

Dean growled his frustration out and pushed a hand through his hair. Just when they thought they had an idea what might be happening, this girl Lisa had to die and…

 

“I just want it to be over, Cas. Not even for me, you know- but… I’m dangerous to everyone until we know what’s happening here.”

 

Dean glanced at Cas. His head was down and he nodded faintly. Maybe that really was all Cas could contribute. He was just as shocked and worried as Dean in that moment. What did he expect him to say? There were no words that could possibly make this okay. Nothing that would ease the situation. Nothing until there was some sort of understanding about what they faced.

 

Cas’s cell rang. “Gabe,” he said as he reached into his bag. “Tell me she lost her job yesterday or something.” He came up with a pen and notebook and as he straightened back up he paused for a moment.

 

“That’s not good enough. I know we won’t get a tox screen for awhile, but-” Cas listened, jotted a few things in his notebook and then switched the phone to his other ear while he wrote more. “What kind of mutilation? Why did they call it in as a suicide?”

 

Dean never thought he’d be the kind of guy to breathe a sigh of relief at the word mutilation, but he did and the guilt that immediately flooded in colored his face. He kept his eyes on the road or out his window while Cas finished up on the phone.

 

“Well, looks like you’re right- this one isn’t connected to you. The friend who found her thought she had committed suicide because her wrists were cut, but now it appears that there was some mutilation on her body that indicates foul play.”

 

“Shit.”

 

“No- it’s a good thing.” Cas continued making notes on his page. “Gabe is going to try to get me the pictures and we’ll still clear her labs and tox screen to be sure your situation didn’t have any impact on hers.”

 

“No- I mean, getting murdered like that.”

 

Cas froze, eyebrows raised in surprise. “Oh. Of course.” He went back to his notebook and Dean kept driving.

 

“So do we need to keep going?” Dean asked a few miles down the road. “We’re almost there.”

 

“You want to meet him?

 

“Is it going to put me back in the hospital?”

 

Cas shrugged. “I’m not an expert, but I don’t think so. He doesn’t have your mark any more.”

 

Dean licked his lips. The exit was coming up next. They didn’t have to do this, didn’t have to meet. It might be bad again, but- Dean hit the blinker and followed the exit ramp down and into the city.

 

“Turning around?” Cas asked.

 

“I don’t think so.”

 

********************

 

It was late afternoon when they pulled up to Aaron Bass’s house. The eagerness Dean had felt when he pulled off the highway had rapidly morphed into anxiety, and once they were parked on the street in front of Aaron’s address Dean found himself frozen to the wheel.

 

“Change your mind?” Cas asked.

 

“What if he- I- I don’t know. Give me a minute.”

 

Cas didn’t say anything and at that point. Dean didn’t expect him to. Cas was back in detective mode, turning himself into a data repository so that he could filter and analyze it all. There was so much to go through and the last few days had only added that much more information to the case. Cas had been working on the whole case for a few months at least, and finding Dean was probably meant to be the break he needed, not the explosion of the whole case.

 

There was a knock on Cas’s window and he and Dean both jumped. A young man with dark hair and a neatly trimmed beard leaned down to see them both and he even waved a little. Cas glanced at Dean before rolling down his window.

 

“Can I help you gentlemen?” The man asked.

 

“Uh, no.. we’re just waiting on a friend,” Dean said.

 

“Oh, okay. Because you look like you’re staking out my house, so I thought I’d tell you about my enormous dog Golem.”

 

Cas frowned, eyes narrowing into the now familiar squint. “Aaron Bass?”

 

Confidence drained from Aaron’s face. “So who are you then?” He asked, trying to sound brave, but utterly failing.

 

Cas pushed open his car door and Aaron stumbled back out of the way. Dean rolled his eyes at the display, even if Cas did make an imposing figure with the trench coat and laser beam stare. Dean climbed out too and circled the car. He held a calming hand out to Cas and met Aaron’s eye.

 

“My name is Dean Winchester. I trust you recognize it.”

 

Aaron scoffed even though his face had given him away completely. “Where the hell were you a year ago?”

 

“Long story that I’d really like to tell you.” Dean said. “Can we come in?”

 

Aaron looked him in the eye, then over to Cas. “Okay, I guess. But you should know that my boyfriend will be home soon.”

 

“Excellent. Can’t wait to meet him.” Dean said. He started walking toward the house clapping Aaron on the back as he walked by and basically dragging him along. Dean looked over his shoulder, motioning to Cas with his head that he should be coming too. Cas followed, dragging his scowl along with him.

 

Dean told it all to Aaron- the multiple matchings, the hormone pulls- Anna’s crisis averted. As the words came out of his mouth Dean realized how ridiculous it all was, and the fact that this was his life now- well, he decided he had better polish up this particular speech if he was going to be making it often. He left out the part about Lisa.

 

Aaron took it in, interrupting only twice for clarification. When Dean finished Aaron sat quiet, looking back and forth between Cas and Dean.

 

“You realize that multiple matches don’t happen.”

 

“They do to me.”

 

“And you realize that a hormone surge like that is unlikely.”

 

Dean tried to stop his skin from going pink at the call out- he knew the truth after all- but it ran up his neck and pooled in his cheeks. “Look, man. Believe what you want, but if you have those symptoms I’ll pick you up and throw you in the back of my car to get you to the hospital. I’m not letting anyone else die because of whatever this is.”

 

Aaron’s face lit a little and his eyes went from Dean’s down to his lips and back up. “You would, would you?”

 

The color in Dean’s cheeks ramped up a few shades, and Cas broke in accompanied by a dramatic eyeroll. “Did you have any Lonely Heart Symptoms around the time Dean’s mark faded?”

 

“Nope. Look, I didn’t look for you either. I’m kind of skeptical about the whole soulmate thing. so I figured if it was really meant to be you’d show up and when you didn’t and it faded… I don’t know. You can’t lose someone you never met, right?” He looked down and Dean thought he saw a little color in Aaron’s face this time. “I mean, we’d have the classic car thing in common, but who knows if you like classic rock the way I do or cooking or-”

 

“I do. I mean… um…” Dean blinked. His chest felt tight and when he looked at Aaron he had the strangest feeling that he’d known this man forever.

 

“Cas.” He said, the words coming out strangled. Dean pushed to his feet suddenly and shook his head to try to straighten everything out. It wasn’t at all like what he had felt in the hospital, though he was unpleasantly warm again.

 

The front door opened and closed and there was a man in the doorway, gangly, but a nice smile.

 

I didn’t know we had company, Aaron.” He glanced around the room, meeting Dean’s eyes then Cas’s before giving a significant look to his boyfriend.

 

“It was unexpected. Garth, this is Dean Winchester.”

 

By the look on Garth’s face he wasn’t exactly thrilled, and Dean was right there with him. “I’m not here for anything except to help,” he started, and went through the whole thing again. To his credit, Garth listened to all of it without calling him crazy.

 

“So what do we need to do?” Garth asked.

 

“Probably nothing,” Cas said. “They haven’t been marked for each other in almost a year, so it’s unlikely Aaron will need medical intervention. We just want to be sure that you are healthy, Aaron. No one else needs to die because of this glitch.”

 

“I appreciate it.”

 

Cas reached into his pocket for one of his cards and a pen. He scribbled something on the back and handed it to Aaron. “My number is on the front. You can call at any time. If you experience any symptoms you need to go to the hospital right away. The number on the back is for Dr. Bradbury. She’s an endocrinologist working on the case and in an emergency she can explain to the ER staff exactly what must be done to help you.”

 

“Wow. Okay. I’ll put the numbers in my phone,” Aaron said.

 

“Me too. Just in case,” Garth said, leaning over Aaron’s shoulder to look at the card.

 

Dean felt a strange twinge watching them together. Aaron and Garth moved next to each other like they had been together for quite a while, and the look they shared a moment later sent a flash through him- jealousy?  Dean frowned at the idea, but the strange ache in his chest pulsed and he stood up.

 

“Uh, Aaron. Strange question. You don’t feel a connection, do you? Like between us.”

 

One corner of Aaron’s mouth raised and before he spoke Dean felt another little spark of something.

 

“No. I mean, you seem nice enough, but I’m already taken.” Aaron smiled at Garth. “Why?”

 

“Oh- just part of the Lonely Heart questions.” Dean swallowed after his lie with difficulty, and he didn’t dare look at Cas. “Uh, I think we can be going. If you have any questions give Cas a call.” He started past the couple, but both reached a hand out to him. He shook them both weakly and nearly bolted from the house. Cas came blustering after, getting in the car and slamming his door. “What the hell was that all about?”

 

Dean hunched over the steering wheel trying to gather himself. His breath could only come shallow and sweat gathered at his hairline. “I think I know what you mean by the pull now. The amoramine.”

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“Let me sit a minute.”

 

“Dean, if you need medical care-”

 

“No.” Dean snapped. “I’m not going back to the hospital.”

 

“Dean.”

 

That same firm voice Cas had used in the hospital and Dean had to look up at him. Cas seemed seriously concerned.

 

“Let me drive. We’ll get you to the motel to rest.”

 

“Just give me a minute.” Dean rested his head on the steering wheel and Cas sighed dramatically. It wasn’t his fault that it happened like this, or there was this weird residual feeling. Aaron didn’t have any of it, but Dean’s body was certainly convinced there was a connection there.

 

“What did it feel like?” Cas asked.

 

How was he supposed to describe the wave that had flooded him, hot and overwhelming, nearly drowning him in affection for someone he didn’t actually know? “Like I- I don’t know. Like falling in love- when you can’t breathe right while you’re looking at him. He looked at Garth and I felt-” Dean swallowed hard. It was hard to find words for the pressure in his chest and the red flash in his head when Aaron and Garth had acted like exactly what they were- a couple. “It wasn’t real, it was just my body tricking my head.”

 

“How do you know? Maybe you were really falling for him.”

 

Dean rolled his eyes. “Jesus fucking christ, Cas. Do you really not understand how actual love works? I knew the guy fifteen minutes. That’s not love.” Dean’s heart was finally starting to slow, and the heat was starting to recede.

 

“I’m not an idiot,” Cas said. “I-”

 

“You don’t have to explain.” Cas was asking because of Amelia and Dean didn’t really want to think about that almost as much as he didn’t want to think about Aaron. He relaxed back against his seat, head tipped to the side so he could see Cas. “Food? I think I need food before we go back to the motel.”

 

“Can you drive?”

 

“Me? Yeah. I’m fine.” Dean turned the key in the ignition.

 

By the time they found somewhere to eat he really did feel better, but Cas kept an eye on him while the waitress grabbed their drinks and took their orders.

 

“Stop staring at me like I just slept with your sister,” Dean grumbled.

 

“You’re not okay.”

 

“I am, Cas. Just leave it alone. I feel way better now. Better than before the hospital in Pontiac.”

 

Cas rolled his eyes and kept his mouth shut until the food came.

 

Cas ate just like he did everything else- seriously, methodically. He kept his eyes on his food, a bite of his burger, then a few fries, back to the burger, back to the fries.

 

“Say something,” Dean said when the silence between them got to be too much.

 

“About what?”

 

“I don’t know. The case. Just say something.“

 

Cas licked salt off his fingertips and then wiped his hands with the napkin. He took a long drink before he spoke. “First of all, not here. Second of all, nothing to say right now. Third of all- why are you looking at me like that?”

 

Dean shook himself from his stare. “Only you would spout off a fucking list and still say nothing.”

 

Cas chuckled and picked up his burger again. “My brain is essentially a compendium of checklists.” He took a bite. “That’s why I’m good at my job.”

 

“Were you a detective?” Dean asked.

 

Cas froze and slowly lowered the burger. “Why?”

 

“I mean before. You were a cop so I was wondering if you were a detective.”

 

Cas swallowed slowly and sat up a little straighter. “I was.” He cleared his throat and glanced at Dean’s plate. “Finish up. I want to stop at a drug store before we go back to the room.”

 

“Uh, sure.”

 

Cas dropped into a silence so much deeper than the first one that Dean regretted bringing up the detective thing at all. He wasn’t sure what else he had expected, but he hadn’t anticipated a major lockdown.

 

Cas stood up and dug in his back pocket for his wallet. He threw a few bills on the table, silencing Dean’s protests by holding up his hand. “I’ve got it,” he said, and he led the way out.

 

The drugstore was only a few blocks down. Cas went in to grab his stuff while Dean waited. The flood had mostly receded, but he still felt warm. He pulled at the collar of his shirt to check the flesh over his heart for any possibility of a name. Nothing yet, but he had this feeling it was coming. Aaron was okay so that’s all they were waiting on now- another name, another person to save.

 

Cas came back out with his plastic bag of whatever and triumphantly held up a bottle of shampoo once he was buckled in.

 

“Lavender? Are you for real?” Dean asked, skeptical.

 

“Helps me sleep.” Cas grinned at him then back at the bottle.

 

His eyes, the smile, and when he laughed…. Dean stopped himself and turned the ignition. Not Novak. Not anyone. It was because of the residual amoramine from his earlier encounter with Aaron.

 

“So back to the room? Hatch a plan? Call Charlie?” Dean asked.

 

“Nothing to hatch until you get another name, and Charlie can wait until tomorrow.”

 

Cas stared out the window as Dean pulled onto the street and they were almost back to the motel when he pointed and told Dean to pull in. “We can get a couple drinks before we go back.”

 

“I’m not opposed, just thought you’d want to get back to work.”

 

“There isn’t much to work on until we get news from someone so, we wait. Back to it first thing tomorrow.”

 

They got out of the car and started to walk into the little bar. Dean shoved his hands in his pockets as meager protection from the wind.

 

“If we do this now we can have some fun and still get back to the motel and get to bed at a reasonable hour.”

 

Dean snorted. “Why am I not surprised that you are all about getting to bed at a reasonable hour?”

 

“I’m not ‘all about’ anything.” Cas laughed and pulled the door open, gesturing for Dean to go in ahead of him.

 

They found a place at the counter. There weren’t many people there, but enough to keep Cas busy. Cas watched people like it was his born purpose in life, and Dean made his own entertainment out of watching Cas.

 

“You ever get tired of poking into everyone else’s business?” Dean asked.

“That’s what people pay me to do.”

“I get that. But don’t you get tired of it?”

“I was never excited by it. But it pays the bills.” Cas took a swig out of his bottle. “What about you? Don’t you get tired of pouring everyone’s beer and fixing their cars?”

Dean shrugged. “I’m good at it.”

“Didn’t want to do anything with your engineering degree?”

Dean fought the urge to bite back. Cas hadn’t meant it as a dig. “My mom died. You know what happened after that.”

“I’m sorry,” Cas said, and Dean thought maybe he genuinely was.

“It’s just what happened,” Dean said and tipped back the last of his beer into his mouth. “If she could have really stayed gone the last time she left-”

“Dean, you don’t have to talk about this.”

“You already know, don’t you?” Dean glanced at Cas and laughed, wry and low. “Is there anything I can tell you about myself that you don’t know?”

Even in the dim light Dean could see the change in Cas’s face and he regretted saying it. “Cas, I- I know it’s your job and-”

“No, you’re right. It’s an intrusion.”

Dean ducked a little to catch Cas’s eye. “It saved your sister’s life. Probably mine too.”

Cas straightened again. “I’m sorry I got to know you like that before we really met.” He kept his eyes on the beer bottle, spinning it slowly in place.

“Yeah? Why?”

“We could have been friends, I think.”

“I’m pretty sure if you save a guy’s life you become his friend.” Dean kept watch and smiled to himself when his words broke a slight smile on Cas’s face.

“So we’re friends now?” Cas asked softly.

“Something like that,” Dean said. He didn’t really want to account for the other possibilities his body was spinning around at that moment. He’d been attracted to Cas from the minute he saw him in the bar, but then he’d been Novak and now… he didn’t even know if Cas was attracted to men. And he was obviously still gone over Amelia. And there were too many hormones floating around his body to make any sort of decision.

“Another round or head back?” Dean asked.

Cas shrugged. “We can go.”

Back in the room Dean grabbed the remote and flipped until he found a Dr. Sexy rerun just so he could get a laugh out of Cas when he came out of the bathroom.

“Really?” Cas asked.

Dean tossed him the remote and went to take his turn in the bathroom. When he came out Cas had turned the tv off and had mostly set up another research station on the tiny desk.

“Do you really think you should be working right now?” Dean asked.

“Might as well.”

Dean sat hard on his bed and leaned down to take off his shoes. “I don’t know what you think you’re going to find in all that information.”

“I think something happened earlier. You started to connect with Aaron before you left and I think that’s something. You should have stayed to see where it went.”

“His boyfriend was standing right there, man.”

“So? What if Aaron is the love of your life?”

Dean rolled his eyes. “I told you, Cas. I’m not gonna let my body bypass my brain. I have a choice.”

Cas sat on his bed opposite Dean. They were so close their knees almost touched. “So why not choose Aaron?”

“Cas, he has a boyf-”

“Forget Garth. Pretend he doesn’t exist. Why not choose Aaron? You had common interests, you were obviously attracted to him.”

“That was the amoramine.” Dean mumbled.

“Really?” Cas’s voice dropped lower and practically vibrated through Dean’s body. “You weren’t attracted to him when you first saw him?”

“I mean, he’s a good looking guy, but…” _I’ve had someone else on my mind._ Dean shook his head and ran his hands down his face. “Too much alcohol for this conversation, Cas.”

Cas ignored him. “Okay, but then when you were in the house, the way you looked at him-”

“What, Cas?” Dean looked at Cas then. His eyes were wide, a little wild as he chased his lead.

“You walked away from that.”

“It wasn’t anything, Cas. I had a choice and I made one.”

“I want to know why.”

“Look, Cas. I know what this is about. Your brother chose and he took your girl, but Cas- she wasn’t even yours. She was always Jimmy’s because she chose him. You can move on and find someone who will love you just as much and maybe more if you’ll give up on the idea that the damn name tells you what to do.”

Cas’s face dropped into the familiar squint and Dean backtracked.

“Cas, if you’re still worried no one else would ever want you, I think you’re wrong.” Dean said it because he meant it more broadly, but as the words left his mouth he fought the temptation to chase it with another sentence about his own desire.

“So you’re saying we can just have the thing we choose. We can go after it and get it.”

Dean laughed a little. “Don’t make it sound so stalkerish. They have to want it too.”

Cas went quiet again and Dean stole a look at him.

“So I just have to choose.” Cas brought his eyes up to Dean’s and Dean swallowed. Cas’s eyes were wide, the blue parts bright as he searched for something in Dean’s face.

“Yeah,” Dean said, and watched in some sort of strange slow motion as Cas came up off the other bed and kissed him.

All the quiet intensity Cas held in the rest of the time exploded in his touch. He urged Dean to open for him and Dean groaned against him. Dean hadn’t allowed himself to imagine this moment and now that the door had been cracked open his brain accelerated a thousand miles an hour to Cas laid out under him calling his name.

Dean pushed back to catch his breath. “Cas...”

“Sorry.” Cas left him cold and sat back on his own bed. His eyes slid closed. “I’m sorry. That was-”

“No, Cas. Just let me-”

Cas’s phone buzzed on the table and he jumped up to take it. Dean fell back on his bed when Cas took the phone into the bathroom and closed the door. All he had wanted was to make sure Cas was really on board, not just kissing him because he was lonely and drunk, and he’d had his answer- lonely, drunk, full of regret at that one simple point of contact.

When Cas came back he went right to the table and opened up his laptop.

“Everything okay?” Dean asked.

“It was Gabe. I need to work on this tonight.”

“Right.” And Dean knew that was that. At least he could close the door on whatever he had imagined it could have been. The amoramine would clear from his contact with Aaron and everything would look different in the morning.


	8. All the Little Pieces

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

“Goddammit, Cas. Your phone.” Dean rolled over toward the opposite wall, but the buzzing continued. He whipped the blankets back, angry, tired, and hungover and totally expected to give Cas an earful but the other bed was still made. The phone buzzed against a stack of papers on the desk.

Dean picked it up and glanced to the bathroom- door open, no Cas. The name lit up ‘Gabe’ so he answered.

“Novak’s phone. This is Dean.”

The guy on the other end laughed. “He never said you have such a sexy voice.”

“Do you have something for him or what?”

“Yeah. He needs to call me back right away.”

“Okay.” Dean shuffled through the desk looking for any hint about where Cas had gone. His laptop wasn’t there either. “He, uh, stepped out for a minute.” Nothing.

“Just have him call me. I’m hoping to get some pictures for him soon.”

“Yeah. Right away.” Dean said, and turned it off. He grabbed his jeans from where he’d left them piled on top of his duffle the night before and took them to the bathroom with him. He had to take a piss if he was going to go out hunting for Novak.

He took another quick look around the room for a note, then grabbed his keys and wallet. He couldn’t have gone far without a car, but if he called a cab- Dean pulled the door open and nearly fell onto the pavement over Novak’s legs.

“Son of a bitch!” Dean hissed.

“Good morning to you too, Dean.” Novak said it mechanically without looking up from his computer.

“What the fuck are you doing out here? I was going crazy thinking you were gone.”

Novak shook his head, eyes still glued to the screen. “Better wifi.”

“O….okay. Did you find something?”

“We should talk. Inside.” Novak pushed himself up from the ground, holding the laptop carefully in one hand.

“Sure.” Dean wasn’t sure if he was relieved or not. New information was good- Novak had something and it sounded like Gabe had something, but Novak was taking quiet and serious to another level and the result was creepy. “You had a call from Gabe,” he said as he followed Novak inside.

“That can wait. This is more important.” Novak sat on his bed and motioned for Dean to sit on his. Dean wiped suddenly sweaty palms down his jeans as he did. Novak set the laptop over to one side then turned his intense stare on Dean.

“Turn that thing down. Jesus,” Dean muttered.

Novak narrowed his eyes. “What?”

“God- stop staring at me like that! What the hell is wrong with you today? Last night was a mistake or whatever but stop staring at me like I’m a suspect!”

“You’ve been lying to me,” Novak said. 

“Not a goddamn word.”

“You let me believe you were in protective custody in California. Where were you really?” Novak’s eye flamed bright and Dean gritted his teeth against him.

“I told you already that I’m not talking about that.”

“When an FBI agent comes hunting you down-”

Dean jumped up and stalked across the small room. “It’s not your business, Novak!” he turned back in time to see Novak flinch.

“So we’re back to that.” Novak said, and the anger that had burst wide in Dean’s chest just a moment earlier deflated. He took his place on the bed again and gripped the edge tight with both hands.

“I won’t tell you details of the case, Cas, but I can comment on what I’m assuming you already know.”

Cas looked up at him. “Really.”

“Yeah.” Dean said. “If you’ll talk to me about last night.”

Cas stiffened and his face went impassive. “That was a mistake like you said. No discussion necessary.”

“It wasn’t a mistake, Cas.” Dean searched his face for any sign that he agreed or at least understood, but Cas kept up his firm wall. “If you regret the choice that’s one thing, but it wasn’t wrong.”

“You…” Cas halted as his eyes flicked up to Dean’s. The same warmth that had spread through Dean the previous day reappeared and he pushed it away. Fucking hormones.

“It’s okay.” Dean waved him off. “What do you want to know about California?”

Cas blinked surprise at him and Dean would have laughed if it wouldn’t have ruined everything. “Okay, I’ll start then.” Dean said. “I ran out of money quick when I got out there so I did a medical study for cash. The first one went fine so I did another and that one went south.”

“Special Agent Mills pulled you out of there?”

“No. She came in on the case later.”

Cas went quiet, his eyes looking somewhere to Dean’s right like he was reading information off the wall.

“Any prosecution? Did you serve as a witness?”

“No trial yet. I’m not going if there is.”

“Dean, you have to-”

“And that’s where you shut the hell up.” Dean stood up. “I’ve dealt with my demons and I don’t need to give them another look.”

“Is that what Agent Mills asked you?”

“Cas…” Dean sighed. “All you and I have fucking talked about is choice. Free will. All that. I am choosing how to live my life and there’s no trial anywhere in it. I made my peace and now I want everyone to leave me the hell alone.”

“Can I ask one more thing?”

“Cas, don’t push it, okay?” Dean grabbed his duffle from the floor and dug through for some clean clothes. They’d have to do laundry soon.

“What was the study for? That’s all I want to know.”

“A depression thing. I don’t know. They could have called it anything and I would have signed up.”

“So you weren’t actually depressed?”

“No, I just wanted a place to stay and steady meals.” Dean tucked the stack of clothes under his arm and smiled tersely. “I’m gonna get a shower.”

“Sure.” Cas nodded slightly, his attention still on the blank wall.

Dean locked himself in the bathroom and turned the water as hot as it would go before he stripped down to nothing. The burn on his skin felt good for a moment. It overpowered the oversensitivity caused by the residual amoramine, but after a few seconds he had to turn the water cooler. When they called Charlie his first question was going to be how long the effect would last because it was confusing the hell out of him.

The thing with Cas the night before had to be the result of that amoramine floating around his system after Aaron triggered it. And this morning when he called him Novak and Cas sounded so demoralized… everything in him screamed to resolve the tension, to work it out. And the urge to lean across and kiss him to get that same electric sensation from the previous night...

Fuck. Cas was one paper thin wall away and that thought alone was enough to get him half hard. He stroked himself slowly, convincing himself as he moved that he could be quiet. It wasn’t really about Cas anyway. His body was reacting to Aaron but who cared if he came because his brain saw blue eyes staring into his and heard his name in that thick deep voice? Dean worked faster, twisting a little at the head on each stroke. Cas probably fucked the way he kissed, serious and slow to start, but he’d have to let go of all that intensity and fire at some point. He’d ask for it harder, Dean would make him beg… Dean groaned low at the thought of Cas under him, lips wet, cheeks flushed, pushing himself up so that they met as tight as possible every time Dean thrust into him. Another groan and Dean came, thick stripes hitting the shower walls as he finished. He propped himself against the wall forehead to arm while his heart slowed again and the heat that had spread everywhere due to amoramine and arousal started to wane.

“Fuck,” he whispered. Cold water hurried his cooldown, but Dean could still feel the heat from the hormones in his core even after he washed, dried off and dressed. Cas was gone again when he came out of the bathroom. He threw his dirty clothes in the bag and sat down to put on socks and shoes. If Cas didn’t call Charlie he was going to do it. Questions piled up in his head, primarily how long it would be until he got back to normal after the meeting with Aaron.

A key scraped in the lock and Cas stormed in, cell to his ear. He stacked his folders and started loading his bag while he talked, and Dean took it as a sign that they were moving on. He threw his stuff together quick too, and when Cas got off the phone he was ready for the explanation.

“I spoke with Gabe. He’s going to try to text pictures of the body later. I also talked to Charlie. We’re going to head back to Chicago. She thinks she’s on to a suppressant idea for you, but she needs another blood sample and a more complete history. Would you do that?”

“Uh, yeah. For Charlie.”

“She seems to think that if we can find the right therapy you’ll stop generating names.”

“So no more potential victims.”

“Right,” Cas smiled to himself while he continued packing.

“Right,” Dean echoed, ignoring the flutter that smile produced in his chest.

“So we’re going to go back to Aaron Bass’s place and see if he’ll donate a blood sample for Charlie. An endocrinologist friend of hers said they’d take the sample and run it for her. After that we’ll go to Chicago and see what she can spin up for you.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Dean said.

***********

Dean’s heart thudded to a stop when they pulled up to Aaron Bass’s house. An ambulance was parked where they had sat in the Impala just the day before while Dean decided whether or not to go meet his former match. Several police cars were parked along the street and yellow tape stretched around the perimeter of the home. They passed the house and Cas pointed him to parking around the corner then jumped out the second he put the car in park while Dean sat frozen.

“The keys, Dean!”

Dean didn’t realize Cas was talking to him until he beat on the driver’s side window. Dean passed over the keys and Cas opened the trunk, but Dean’s attention never wandered from the house surrounded in tape.

“Here.” Cas tossed the keys back and fumbled with a stack of things in his hand. He shoved the badge into his inner jacket pocket, the business cards into another.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m going to find out what happened. You stay here.”

Dean watched him jog down to the corner and around to the house, trench coat blowing behind him. He walked past two officers before someone stopped to ask him for his ID and Dean frowned at his sudden easy admission once he showed the badge. What the hell happened here?

Once Cas was out of sight Dean stepped out of the car and walked up to one of the officers. “I’m a neighbor from a block over. Are Aaron and Garth okay?”

The officer smiled tersely. “I can’t really answer your questions, sir.”

“There’s an ambulance here and it doesn’t really seem like anyone’s moving too fast, so- I just want to know if my friends are okay.”

“Sir, you should go home. Information will be released as the department is able to release it.”

Dean caught a glimpse of Cas through the living room window. He’d find out what they needed. Dean thanked the officer and headed back to the car. He texted Cas, just tell me if this was my fault and then he leaned forward, head on the steering wheel. He and Aaron had sat together talking just the night before, and if Dean had stayed longer it might have become something, and now the thought that it had triggered a crazy reaction in Aaron that killed him too was too much. Anxiety roiled in his stomach and he itched with the need to know if Aaron was okay.

Dean dialed Charlie. “How long does the amoramine stay in your body after it starts?”

“Dean? Is everything okay?”

“I had a reaction to Aaron. The one that I marked like a year ago but he was still alive? We met him and I started to connect but he didn’t at all and I left and… how long to get rid of this feeling?”

“Calm down, okay? Cas told me you met him and reacted. Can you describe it to me?”

“Okay… uh… warm all over. When we talked I felt like I knew him right away. And his boyfriend came home and I was jealous- I talked to the guy like 15 minutes and I was jealous.”

“Okay, well, that’s normal within the reaction, Dean. It should fade more each day, especially if you don’t have contact with him again. And I’d expect a crash afterwards where you’ll need to sleep for a while to bounce back. It just takes a while to clear your body.”

A dark car pulled up to Aaron’s house and parked. Three men dressed in suits and ties got out and spoke to an officer before going inside. 

“Shit,” Dean hissed. “Sorry, Charlie. It looks like we might not be seeing you later today. We came to talk to Aaron again about getting you a blood sample and his house is cordoned off by police. Cas is in there now trying to get information-”

Dean stopped as he saw Cas walking back out. He spoke again with one of the officers and then kept walking toward the Impala.

“We’ll call you back, okay, Charlie?”

“Sure thing.”

Cas whipped the passenger door opened and climbed in. “Drive. We have to get to Pontiac.”

Dean didn’t question it; he just got the car moving.

“What happened to him?” Dean asked once they were on the highway.

Cas swallowed hard. “He was murdered.” He stared straight ahead unseeing out the windshield.

“Because of me?” Dread grew in Dean’s stomach even though he knew the answer already.

“Because of me.” Cas said. 

“What?” Dean looked sharply at Cas, but Cas hadn’t moved from his practically breathless stare.

“I have to make a call.” Cas said. How his voice had been calm the whole time, Dean didn’t know, but it was scary as fuck. He fished in his jacket for his cell, and dialed.

“Zachariah, it’s Castiel. There’s a body in St. Louis that looks just like ours did and there was a note to me on it. Everything is supposed to come to you. In the meantime I need you to get my sister into protective custody. I have reason to believe she’s a potential target.”

Dean sped up. Cas listened to the other side of the line, marking in his notebook.

“One more thing. We need to keep FBI out for as long as possible if they try to come in on this.” Cas listened for a moment. “I know. I’ll tell you everything when I get there. I’m on my way now.” He hung up and marked again in his notebook.

“What the fuck is going on, Cas?”

“I’ll tell you everything, but first I need you to arrange a meeting with your FBI friend.”

“Why?”

“I think your case is connected to one I had in Pontiac several years ago. I need her to confirm some things.”

“Good luck,” Dean muttered, but he made the call.

“Special Agent Mills.”

“It’s your lucky day, Agent.” Dean faked a smile at Cas, but Cas was too busy digging through his notebook for something.

“Dean. What can I do for you?”

“Are you still near Pontiac?”

“Close enough.”

“Can you meet me this afternoon?”

“Why?”

Dean glanced at Cas, who was intensely focused on his notes, flipping back and forth through pages before writing more down. “I’d like to talk to you about the case. I have new information for you.”

“The case is pretty complete, Dean, so I’m not sure what you can offer me unless you’re willing to testify.”

“I have a source who says my case is connected to one that happened in Pontiac several years ago. You two should meet and compare notes.”

“In Pontiac.”

“Yes.”

“Will you meet me at the precinct? Can you do four p.m.?”

Dean glanced at Cas. “Is it okay to meet her at the precinct?”

Cas nodded and went back to his work.

“We’ll be there.” Dean hung up and looked back at Cas. “Get talking.”

“About ten years ago I was a new detective and we caught this case- a series of ODs amongst the local homeless population. Nothing strange about that necessarily, but they all had a little mark over their heart, like a little W. The cuts weren’t deep but they were there on at least 5 bodies. We looked into it for awhile, but it ran cold quick and my partner and I moved on. Then there was a guy that looked like he committed suicide- forearms cut wrist to elbow. But then that fucking W. So then we figure we have someone serial and we start looking at it that way, but it went away. There’s been nothing since then. I left 8 years ago and the case was still cold.”

“So Aaron, uh… he had that mark?”

“Yes. And I’m pretty certain that’s the mutilation Gabe was referring to on Lisa. He should be sending a picture our way any time now.”

“You said on the phone you think Anna is next.”

“He left a note on the body. He called Aaron his gift to me. And he said…” his voice crumbled and 

“Cas?”

“He said he’d give me something a little more personal in Pontiac.”

“Shit.”

“He’s not getting her.”

“No, he’s not.” Dean agreed. “Call Michael too. Call everyone that can help her.”

Cas nodded and started dialing.

***********

It felt like they’d been in the car for hours before they actually arrived at Michael and Anna’s place. They showed ID to the officer at the door, and inside Michael and Anna sat together on the couch, another older man with them.

“Anna.” Cas went straight to her, leaving Dean to hang back awkwardly in the foyer. Anna hugged him and smiled kindly at Dean over Cas’s shoulder.

“Come in, Dean. Have a seat.”

Cas motioned to the older man. “This is Zachariah. He was my partner during the investigation I told you about.”

Dean started to extend a hand, but Zachariah nodded at him with a faint look of disdain.

“I was just telling your sister that nothing is going to happen here, Castiel.” Zachariah said.

“No. He’s not getting to you.”

“He’s moved on,” Zacharia said. “He’s in St. Louis now- he’s not coming back here.”

“There was a body in Battle Creek that showed up two days ago with the same mark. He’s moving around.”

“Castiel-” Warning was clear in Zachariah’s voice, but Cas wouldn’t be dissuaded.

“I know you haven’t seen the pictures yet, but this is our guy.”

Zachariah smiled disingenuously and stood with a sigh. He put a hand on Cas’s shoulder and pulled him along into the foyer. “Walk with me, Castiel.”

Dean watched them go, left feeling vulnerable and alone. He traded awkward smiles with Anna after she invited him to sit. He took Zachariah’s seat and kept an eye on the foyer where Cas had disappeared. 

“I’m going to go check with the other officers.” Michael excused himself and went out the front door.

“Have you been doing okay since the hospital?” Anna asked.

“Oh, uh… yeah. You?”

“I’m well. Thanks.”

Dean rubbed his hands down his jeans. “Good.”

“You haven’t had any other names have you?”

“No.”

“Good. I mean, I thought Cas would tell me if you had, but you know. It sounds like things have been a little crazy.”

Zachariah strolled back into the living followed by Cas, anxiety rolling off him in thick waves. “Anna, we’re going to take you to the precinct. Dean and I have a meeting there, and I think it’s our best bet at keeping you safe. Pack whatever you’d like to take. Books or whatever.”

“Are you going to put me in a cell?”

“No, probably interrogation. We’re just trying to be safe.”

“Okay. Talk to Michael about it please. He’s outside. I’ll go pack some things.” Anna stood. “How long?”

Cas shook his head. “I don’t know.” He glanced at Dean, then back to this sister. “Plan for a few days.”

“I’ll get Michael.” Zachariah said before stepping out.

“What’s happening here, Cas?” Dean demanded.

“I’m just trying to keep her safe,” Cas said. “We’ll go meet with your FBI friend and see if she has anything to add.”

“You’re just going to tell her everything? All my-”

“Yes, Dean. Anna’ life is at stake so I’ll tell her all your shit if it saves her. We’re leaving as soon as Anna’s ready.”

Dean hunched over, scrubbing at his face with his hands. It was only getting worse, whatever the hell it all was. “If this is your guy from a decade back then why is he going after people connected to me?”

Cas sank into the couch opposite him, his eyes registering deep and distant.. “I don’t know, Dean. There’s so much here I can’t... I can’t pull it all together yet.” Distress frayed his voice. He shifted on the couch until he was leaned forward, elbows to knees, eyes to the floor where they couldn’t betray him.

“Okay.” Dean sat quiet and still until he was sure of himself. “Tell me what to do for Anna.”

Cas looked up at him with blue eyes sparking and they seemed to pierce straight to his heart. Dean worked to get his next breath in, cursing the hormone surge. 

Cas nodded at Dean. “Thank you,” he said, before shifting his gaze to the space off to the side where he always looked while he was working through a problem. 

“She’ll be okay, Cas.” Dean said.

Cas didn’t say anything and uncertainty filled Dean, bitter and overwhelming.


	9. Put a Name to It

Cas didn’t say a word as they drove to the precinct. Dean wanted to reach over and touch his knee, tell him it would be okay, but he shook it off and stole little looks instead. Cas looked like he hadn’t slept in a week, and Dean realized he wasn’t sure if Cas had slept at all the night before.

 

“Do you need to talk about it? The case?” Dean asked.

 

“Not ‘til we see Agent Mills,” Castiel said. Dean would call him unreadable, but he was starting to be able to see the way Cas thought, the way he carried everything with him. Right now the world was crushing Castiel Novak.

 

Anna and Michael were getting out of their car when Dean and Cas pulled in, and she had already been hustled into the station by the time they were parked. Castiel stalked in ahead of Dean.

 

“Wait here,” he ordered and Dean took a seat in the waiting room, resisting the urge to flip Cas off the second his back was turned. Dean knew it was the stress and lack of sleep that made him bark like that but it didn’t mean he appreciated the action.

 

For a small precinct they were surprisingly busy. The door opened every few minutes with a new entrance or exit and there was a short line at the desk every time Dean looked up. He settled back and rested an ankle up on his knee while he checked his watch. Agent Mills would be there soon and he could actually be involved again. Dean pulled out his phone and sent Sam a quick text.

 

**I’m fine. I’ll check in again soon**

 

Sam responded almost immediately. _good. how soon is soon?_

 

Dean squared his shoulders and looked around. Still no Cas, Michael, Zachariah or anyone else he might recognize. A week? Would it be over by then now that the police were involved?

 

**Make sure you hear from me within the week**

 

_Love you be careful_

 

Dean felt someone sit in the empty seat next to him and he uncrossed his legs to make room while he finished texting.

 

**thanks**

 

“Nice phone,” came the deep voice and the accent that froze the blood in his veins. Dean kept his eyes down as he turned the phone off. “I’ve been thinking of getting one, but… Now, Dean, is this how you greet an old friend?”

 

Dean tried to keep from shaking visibly by gritting his teeth together and clenching his hands into fists. He glanced to the side, Crowley had grown a beard since they’d last seen each other, but the black wardrobe hadn’t changed. “Why are you here?” Dean asked.

 

“Why, I’m here to help of course. Seems you’ve been very busy.” Crowley smiled. “Thirteen bodies that trace back to you. Very sloppy.” He leaned close and Dean sucked in air like the action could mount a defense. “And marking your work,” Crowley’s tongue clicked three times close to his ear and Dean shivered. “Amateur.”

 

“What do you want?” Dean glanced to the woman on the other side of Crowley and the older gentleman another seat past that. No one in the entire room had eyes on them and Dean knew without a doubt that if Crowley was in here the cameras didn’t either.

 

“Consider me your cease and desist order. He’s asking you to stop.”

 

“I didn’t do this. And whoever is-”

 

Crowley chuckled and patted Dean’s knee. “We’ll relocate you again after you clear this up. And you need to stay away from Pontiac this time. Predictable patterns make for arrests and you have been quite the investment.”

 

Crowley stood, straightening his jacket. “Take care. You’ll hear from me soon.” He left through the front door while Dean was still glued to his seat.

 

“Dean,” Cas came straight at him down the hallway. “We’re going to set up a room to meet with Agent Mills.” He motioned for Dean to follow, then sighed in exasperation. “Come on! We don’t have time to waste here.”

 

“Cas,” Dean croaked. Cas rolled his eyes but sat next to Dean, just where Crowley had been.

 

“I know you don’t want to talk about this, but you said you would do it for Anna.”

 

Cas.” Dean pulled in a shaky breath and looked into Cas’s eyes. Cas was confused- for good reason- but taking Dean seriously. “Put me in a cell until she gets here,” Dean said.

 

“Dean,”

 

“Please, Cas. I told you. I’ll tell everything. But put me in a cell.”

 

Cas took in the information, forehead wrinkled. “Okay. Come with me.” He led Dean down the hall and around a corner. “Are you okay?” He asked quietly once they were away from the crowded waiting area. “You look-”

 

“I’m fine,” Dean spit back, but his hands were shaking and he knew Cas saw. He rubbed them together hoping he could play it off, but Cas pushed open a door and motioned Dean inside.

 

“We’re going to meet with Agent Mills in here. Will this work?”

 

Dean looked around. No window, the one door in and out. The table with two chairs. “Can you stay too?” he asked as he took a seat.

 

Cas’s face went to worry and Dean’s body flooded with the need to comfort him. “Dean, what happened in the five minutes I was gone?”

 

Dean took in a shaky breath. “We just need to talk to Mills and get this over with. Are you gonna’ stay or what?”

 

Cas focused on Dean like he was analyzing him down to the atomic level and Dean crumbled under the intense stare. He ducked his head, cheeks burning. “Stop that,” he complained.

 

“I’m staying.” Cas pulled his phone out and texted a short message to someone.

 

Dean sat quiet while they waited, and he mostly kept from looking up at Cas’s analytical gaze. He wanted to ask what he was trying to figure out, but he also knew that that wasn’t a line of questioning he wanted to go down until Mills arrived.

 

They both sat up straight when the door pushed open and Agent Mills walked in with a tall black man following her close. He was dressed in a dark suit like Mills and Dean swore.

 

“I said I’d meet with you not all your FBI friends,” he griped at Mills.

 

“Agent Henriksen is my partner. He knows the case as well as I do.”

 

Dean glanced at Cas. “This is Castiel Novak- you met him at the hospital.”

 

“The guard dog,” Mills said, a slight smile pulling her lips to one side. “I have to say, boys. I don’t understand what a ten-year-old murder investigation has to do with my case.” Mills looked over at Dean with sharp eyes and he sat up a little bit.

 

“I don’t either,” Cas said, “But Dean obviously has a significant influence here since the two most recent murders were former matches of his. I want to compare notes and see if we can find a common-”

 

“Just show her the markings, Cas.” Dean said.

 

“Of course.” Cas wrestled his phone out of his pocket and found the photo Gabe had sent from Lisa Braeden’s case. Mills and Henriksen both leaned in, but it was Mills that jumped back and set wide eyes on Dean.

 

“You had better start talking, Dean Winchester, and I better like your story.”

 

“You’ve seen this before?” Cas asked her, narrowed eyes on Dean.

 

“California, Cas.” Dean met his gaze and Cas zeroed in on him, taking in the significance.

 

“California,” he echoed.

 

“Everyone had a mark like that there. They healed over, but everyone had one.”

 

Cas squinted. “You don’t.”

 

No, he didn’t, and Dean found that to be the hardest part of life after the facility. “I was different,” he said, and silently begged Cas to leave it alone.

 

Mills took over. “What do you know about these markings out here, Dean?”

 

“You have to go get my brother, Jody. Sam and his wife and Bobby and- and Ellen.” Dean sniffed as tears threatened. “You have to protect them. They will kill them.”

 

“It’s been eight years, Dean. Everyone involved has been prosecuted except Dr. Abaddon, and you know we’re going to trial soon.”

 

Dean ducked his head. “You don’t have everyone.”

 

Mills pulled out the chair opposite Dean and sat, her face grim and eyes full of carefully controlled anger. “You say that again and your sentence best include names.”

 

“Can you protect my family?”

 

Mills eyed him, then glanced up at Cas before she looked back to Dean. “You know I can’t take action on anything without credible information. Insinuations will get us nowhere.“ Mills leaned across the table, compassion breaking through her hard exterior. “I know what you’ve been through. I know you’re afraid. I will do everything I can to protect you and your family, but it has to start with information shared here.”

 

Dean breathed in deep and fought the urge to look to Cas for comfort before he spoke. “Sam has an envelope for you. He doesn’t know it’s for you really, but I gave it to him a while ago in case something happened to me so you’d take care of him. He knows if he doesn’t hear from me to open it and follow the directions. It has every detail I remember from the time I was there, including all the names.”

 

Dean hunched over further, making himself smaller. He knew the instant he said it out loud he’d be as good as dead, but it didn’t seem to matter as long as his family could be saved.  No one else could die because of him if he wasn’t around to generate names any more. “Dr. Abaddon worked on most everyone there. But there was another doctor that did all of my... work. Dr. Alistair. And there is a man called Crowley. He’s followed me ever since I left California and contacted me a few times. I’m going to walk out of here and he’s going to kill me and he’s going to kill my family too if you don’t-”

 

“Dean-“

 

“I’m serious, Jody.”

 

Her eyebrow quirked at use of her first name but her face softened. She was really listening now, and Dean felt confident that she would take care of Sam if he told her everything. “Crowley was here not twenty minutes ago. Walked into the damn precinct and sat next to me and told me he’s going to have to move me again soon.” Dean’s body prickled in response to Castiel’s sense of alarm.

 

“I’ll pull tapes so we can find this guy.” Cas started to the door and Dean grabbed his arm.

 

“Don’t go,” he begged, but then he recognized his hand pulling Cas’s sleeve and released him. “Sorry,” Dean muttered. It was too late, though. Cas was already frowning at him, eyes focused back to atomic level stare. Dean collapsed in on himself again, shoulders hunched forward and round as he tried to hide in plain sight.

 

“Jody, can you take care of Sam and everyone?” Dean asked softly.

 

She leveraged a faint smile and reached across to pat his hand. “I will. Let me make a few calls. Mr. Novak, is there a place…?”

 

“Yes, um, right out here.” Cas squeezed Dean’s shoulder before he went to the door, Mills and Henriksen following. Dean felt colder the farther away Cas went, but then he was back a second later, a solid hand on Dean’s back and another on his shoulder. The touch sent warmth through Dean’s core, lighting him up the way he’d felt sitting in the Impala after visiting Aaron’s house the first time.

 

“What’s wrong?” Cas asked.

 

“Aside from anticipating my own murder in the next 24 hours? Nothing.”

 

“I mean, um…” Cas sputtered a little then clamped his mouth firmly shut against the fluster of words trying to all come out at once. He stepped around the table and took the spot where Mills had been sitting.

 

“I’m sorry about before,” Dean said. “I didn’t mean to grab you like that.”

 

“No need to apologize. You felt panicked.” Cas settled back to his signature frown. “When did you last see Crowley before today?”

 

“Just before I moved back to Lawrence. He told me I could go home finally and I thought that meant I was done with all this.”

 

“Do you think he’s the one that killed Lisa and Aaron? Will he be the one after Anna?”

 

“He’s not a hands-on kind of guy. There was another guy always with him that would make you cooperate if that was necessary, but most of us didn’t fight back after a while. It would just get your nose broken or whatever. Crowley never touched me.” Dean sensed Cas’s disappointment and hastened to add, “I never knew the other guy’s name or I would tell you.”

 

Cas drummed his fingers across the table then sat back with his arms crossed firmly over his chest. “You obviously can’t leave the station.”

 

“If I don’t leave the station he’ll know I said something. Mills has to leave like she doesn’t think there’s anything here and I have to leave like I’m not in danger or he’ll know without a doubt.”

 

Cas started to protest, but then held back. Dean watched his face calm back to its usual stoicism and marveled at Cas’s ability to stay calm. “Let me talk to Michael and Zachariah about arrangements for Anna and then we’ll find someplace to stay. Come with me,” Cas said.

 

Dean stood to follow but stopped short when he swayed a little on his feet. He was hot all over again, heart racing, vision going funny. He grabbed the table and forced his eyes to focus in on the surface in front of him

 

“Dean.” Cas was suddenly there again, his hands a centering presence. “Are you okay?”

 

“’m fine…” Dean muttered, but when he released the table in favor of getting to the door he stumbled into Cas.

 

“What’s wrong?” Cas asked, but it felt like a strange hollow echo to Dean as he clutched at Cas’s body. He heard Cas calling for help, but didn’t fully register it until he was swarmed with people.

 

“No,” he said weakly. “’m fine.”

 

“You’re burning up,” Cas barked. “Let them work.”

 

“Only Dr. Gaines. Don’t leave-“ Dean started to gasp.

 

Cas put a hand on his shoulder and locked into Dean’s eyes burning bright. “I won’t.”

 

Dean breathed in deep then. For the first time in his life he truly felt safe despite the strangers around him. He kept his eyes on Cas until he couldn’t keep them open any more.

 

*************

 

It was all the same- the beep of machines, the dim light, the clean but scratchy sheets, and even Cas asleep in a chair next to him. This time, though, when Dean moved Cas’s hand squeezed tight where he was already holding Dean’s and he woke almost instantly.

 

“How do you feel?” Cas rasped. He stood, shaking off sleep as he reached for the nurse’s button.

 

“I don’t know yet.”

 

“We have some good news for you.”

 

“We?”

 

“Oh- Charlie drove down. Just a second.” Cas pulled out his phone, tapped out a quick text and smiled at Dean in a way that made Dean heat all over.

 

A nurse came in, looking at Cas first then to Dean. She smiled. “You’re awake, Mr. Winchester.”

 

“Do I have to keep this in?” Dean asked. His voice was hoarse like he hadn’t used it in days and he cleared his throat. “The IV, I mean.”

 

“I can talk to the doctor about it.”

 

“There should already be an order from Dr. Gaines. Can you check?” Cas asked. His voice was kind, but his customary glare got her moving out the door. He sat back down and that little bit of space between them left Dean feeling a sort of desperate loneliness totally out of place for how close Cas actually was.

 

“What happened?” Dean asked.

 

“You had another episode of whatever this is. Your amoramine level jumped suddenly and we brought you here so that they could try to flush it from your system.”

 

“Did it work?”

 

“My understanding is that they were able to suppress it for now to keep you stable.”

 

Dean closed his eyes. Heat still crawled under his skin but didn’t seem so intensely consuming as it had before, his heart felt a little fast, but none of those symptoms were anywhere near as concerning as the overwhelming need he felt to have Cas close.

 

“What about Anna? And Sam? Did Jody-”

 

“Anna is still at the station with MIchael and Zachariah. She’s safe. Your family is safe too. Agent Mills is on her way to meet with Sam.”

 

“I need to let him know she’s safe to talk to. You have my phone?”

 

Cas dug in his pockets and came up with Dean’s phone. It was supposed to be a quick text, but he couldn’t focus as well while half his brain was occupied with panic about the catheter in his arm.

 

**FBI is coming to talk to you. Only talk to Agent Jody Mills.**

 

_What is going on here? We’re basically locked up._

 

**safety. give her the packet.**

 

_Are you safe?_

 

Dean thought before responding. For the moment the answer was yes, so that’s what he passed on to Sam without the 'for now' he could have easily added to the end. Cas was protecting him and the very idea sent heat through him and raised his heart rate. Cas’s eyes darted to the monitor.

 

“Are you in pain?” Cas prepared to push the nurse call button again.

 

“Can you- can you just sit with me? Like up here?” Dean asked.

 

“Sure,” Cas’s voice drew the word out in confusion and Dean felt guilty for even asking him, but the need was desperate. He had to talk to Charlie and help her figure out a way to get the  hormone ridiculousness to stop. At this rate all the extra hormones flooding his system were going to convince him that he was in love with Cas. He was already deep that direction, feeling so much connection and affection from him. Cas sat next to him on the bed and Dean raised the hand with the catheter. It shook slightly before he lowered it onto Cas’s hand. The relief was worth the small intrusion, though he had expected Cas to startle. Instead Cas turned his hand until their fingers linked. Dean watched the motion, thinking it through and still came up with nonsense. He looked up at Cas like the answer would be written on his forehead, but there was nothing to see there except Cas’s electric eyes.

 

There was a light tap on the door and the nurse was back. “She would like you to keep it in if you can.”

 

“I can for a while,” Dean said, his eyes never straying from Cas. His touch felt like protection- a line of defense against the memories and pain from years before. With Cas’s hand in his he felt bright and warm and light, like everything that had ever happened to him before could really be forgotten. He tightened his grip reflexively and Cas echoed him, his eyes fixed on studying Dean’s face.

 

“Charlie? Is she coming?”

 

Cas checked his phone. “Yeah, she’s on her way.”

 

Dean felt right for the first time ever and for a few brief moments he let himself relax in the feeling. It wouldn’t last much longer if what Charlie had said was true. It would still be a few days until everything wore off and he and Cas could go back to figuring out their mystery like normal- well, whatever they were. It was weird to say partners since Cas had basically blackmailed him into driving to Chicago, but now…

 

“Cas, this is just hormones. From Aaron.”

 

Cas blinked a few times then squinted. “This?”

 

“The hands and… stuff. Charlie said it would last a few days and I think it’s messing up things with you too.” A painful mournful _why?_ tore through Dean’s head, but he persisted. Telling Cas exactly what was going on was the right thing to do. “I keep feeling- I don’t know. Like having you here is helpful.” Dean felt his cheeks heat and his tongue tie further. “Not just helpful. Like, I don’t know-”

 

“Comforting?” Cas asked softly.

 

“Yeah.” Dean barely answered back. A wave of pain ran through him, his chemistry begging him again to retract his words and say what he really felt. If he could beat the hormone flood back he would, but right now it was the only thing getting him through the medication dripping into his arm. It wasn’t fair to have this sort of hormone pull when you weren’t actually soulmates, but Dean suddenly had a deeper understanding of why his mother had found it so difficult to stay away all those times she had left John.

 

“Dean,” Cas said his name with such care, such warmth and that deep voice… Dean took advantage of the feeling to push down the panic that was trying to invade over the needle in his hand. “I’ll do whatever you need if it helps,” Cas continued. “You have already been through so much.”

 

Dean nodded faintly, but really he was ready to sleep and skip forward a few days til it all passed. Cas’s hand, his presence, his attention was all well and good until it wore off and he had to deal with that loss even though Cas was never actually his.

 

“I want to warn you- Charlie is going to ask about your time in California. Do you have any idea what you were given at there? Charlie feels pretty confident that your endocrine system is messed up because of the experimentation.”

 

“That’s not it.”

 

“It’s the most likely source of the problem.” Cas’s frustration was evident, but he didn’t unlink their hands and Dean was grateful for that.

 

“They never injected me with anything, Cas. They took stuff out of me, but they never put anything in that I know of.”

 

“What did they take?”

 

Dean laughed weakly and started to withdraw, but Cas held him tight and even moved up on the bed a little.

 

“I’m short an appendix, gallbladder, and a lot of blood. Saliva, tissue, whatever they wanted they took.”

 

“What did they do with it?”

 

“God- I don’t know Cas!” Dean leaned up. “I was locked in a tiny little closet for nine months. I didn’t see anything but that room for-”

 

“Okay, okay, okay.” Cas shushed him. “You’re supposed to stay calm. I get it.”

 

“You think you do?” Dean worked through his body forcing muscle after muscle to relax. Calming his heart rate was harder though.

 

“Obviously I haven’t had your experience, but I think I understand as well as I can.” Cas’s eyes had gone soft at the corners and a wave of affection moved through Dean at the sight. He closed his eyes. Maybe it would be over soon and he and Cas could go their separate ways. It was a painful thought with the way his body was responding to Cas, but once it was over leaving would be easy.

 

Cas laid a hand on Dean’s chest and almost immediately Dean’s heart rate slowed and his body relaxed more fully. “Dean, I’m sorry this happened to you. We will fix it. Well, Charlie will fix it, but it will be over soon and you can go home.”

  
_Maybe_ , Dean thought. If there was home to go back to. And only if it would be safe for Sam and everyone else too.


	10. Expand and Contract

Charlie’s bright face was an odd relief to Dean. He didn’t really know her, but she was a promise of hope and that was exactly what he needed. Cas welcomed her and pulled the chair close to Dean with the intention that she would sit there, but she couldn’t. She fairly bounced with energy, gesturing wildly as she spoke.

 

“I’m sorry, it’s just- there are so many exciting pieces to your case. I’m working with Dr. Barnes here. She wants to do an MRI of your brain so we can check out your pituitary gland. Between that and all the blood levels we can probably pinpoint your problem.”

 

“What do you think it is?”

 

“Well sometimes the pituitary gland goes haywire and releases too much or not enough of certain hormones. It can be a simple surgery to fix it or hormone therapy depending on what it is.”

 

“Wait- you’re talking about operating on my brain.” Dean muttered.

 

“But then it’s fixed, Dean. No more names, no more landing in the hospital because your body goes nuts.”

 

“So we cut something out of my head and we’re done?”

 

“Maybe- hopefully no surgery at all. If it’s a hormone imbalance you’ll just have to take medication.”

 

“Fantastic.” Dean glanced at Cas. “What do you think?”

 

Cas looked up, startled to have his opinion asked. “What do you mean?”

 

“About brain surgery. I should let them cut my brain?”

 

“Yes. I mean, I don’t know. Why are you asking me?”

 

 _Shit._ “I don’t know,” Dean said, but he did. It was the hormones again, the damn hormones that they were trying to clear. The catheter was suddenly a nuisance and Dean scratched at the site around the tape.

 

“Dean,” Cas started, but Dean interrupted.

 

“Can you go get the nurse? I want this out.”

 

Cas went around the bed for the call button but Dean stopped him. “Would you go get her? I need it out now. I don’t think I can wait.” His anxiety was evident in the beeping of the monitor tracking his heartbeat.

 

Cas looked at Charlie. “Fine. Will you stay with him?”

 

“Um, yeah. Okay…” Charlie looked strangely from Cas to Dean, brows raised. Cas left with a little flourish of the trench coat. “What was that?” Charlie asked.

 

“The hormone thing from Aaron isn’t clearing. I’m having all this… stuff… for Cas and it’s not… it’s not making it easy, Charlie. Like him walking away just now makes me feel like I’m dying.”

 

Charlie sank into the chair at Dean’s bedside. “What do you mean?”

 

“Like it’s getting worse every day. You said it would fade.”

 

“Dean, that’s not- hmmmm.”

 

“Hmmmm what?” Dean asked. That was exactly the sound he didn’t want to hear from her. He wanted to fix it and ‘hmmmm’ meant a giant “I don’t know.”

 

Charlie pursed her lips together. “It doesn’t work like that. The feelings caused by the amoramine  that were connected to Aaron can’t transfer to someone else. You should feel a longing for Aaron that is fading over time. But you say you feel it for Cas?”

 

“Um, maybe… yeah?” Dean worried immediately that he’d misinterpreted everything, but this was more than simple attraction or even lust. Cas’s look, his touch- it all had the air of a relationship well established, an intimacy that had been built over years. And they’d known each other- what- a week? And everything he’d ever heard about the indescribable pull to a soulmate and the energy drawn from a matched partner seemed to apply.

 

“Any new names?” Charlie humbly suggested and stood to look. Dean pulled the pale blue hospital gown down to expose the skin over his heart, but the skin was as perfect there as it had been the day Anna Milton’s name had disappeared.

 

“Okay. Hmmmm.”

 

“You keep saying that,” Dean grumbled as he returned his gown to normal and pulled the blanket back up. It was cold without Cas.

 

“Is the feeling any better now that you’ve been on the medication overnight?”

 

“No. Charlie, it’s like I’m falling in l-” Dean clamped up tight when the door opened and Castiel came in with the nurse behind him.

 

“I’ll take that out now,” the nurse smiled at Dean as she flattened his hand and started to remove the tape, but dread swirled in his stomach and he gripped the sheets with the other hand. Cas read the situation in an instant and went around to the opposite side of the bed. He took Dean’s hand and squeezed tight. The skin-to-skin contact immediately took the edge off his anxiety and Dean looked up at Cas, his eyes soft now. No more analyzing, piercing, annoying stare. This look was all compassion and care and as much as Dean wanted to hide from it he couldn’t drag his eyes away.

 

“There you go. Try to leave this on for 15 minutes or so.” The nurse patted gently at the cotton ball and tape she’d placed over the puncture left by the needle. “Hit the call button if you need me again.”

 

“Okay.” Dean said, but he was still stuck on Cas while the nurse left until Charlie cleared her throat.

 

“Guys?”

 

Cas looked first and once he had broken eye contact Dean looked too, confusion all over his face.

 

“Cas, you should, um… maybe… step out for a minute? I’m sorry. I need to ask Dean something privately.”

 

Cas’s face burst bright red and he sputtered an agreement before stalking out. The second the door was closed Charlie turned wide eyes pointedly on Dean. “What was that?”

 

Dean rubbed the back of his neck with the hand now free of the IV. “That’s what I told you about. It’s like that seeing him, touching him- I don’t know. It’s so… what’s wrong with me, Charlie?”

 

“That’s the question. I-I don’t know. I’m going to go talk to Dr. Barnes about this, You have the MRI scheduled sometime this afternoon, so hopefully we’ll know after that. In the meantime, maybe Cas stays outside if you’re feeling uncomfortable with the situation?”

 

“It’s not uncomfortable, it’s...confusing.”

 

Charlie huffed a little laugh and shook her head. “Okay- do whatever you want. I’m going to take him with me for a minute though.”

 

Panic bubbled up and Dean came off the bed. “Charlie, don’t tell him-”

 

“He looked just as involved as you did, Dean, and I practice responsible medicine. I have to ask him for a lab draw, that’s all. I won’t tell him anything you’ve told me.”

 

Dean nodded slightly, laying back fully against the bed. “I can’t hurt someone else, Charlie. And not- not Cas.”

 

“You won’t, Dean. We’re gonna get this. Let me go do a few things, and I have to talk to you about California before the MRI if you think you’re up to talking about it.”

 

“If it will help, I guess.”

 

“I think it will. Rest for now, okay? I’ll send Cas back to you after I get his blood.”

 

Charlie patted his arm and turned to leave, but Cas came in. “Michael called. He and Anna are staying at the station. Would you mind if I go to their house to shower and change? I can be back in 45 minutes tops.”

 

“Uh, sure.” Dean said. “Could you bring my bag in too? I would not object to wearing real pants.”

 

Charlie laughed at that and even Cas cracked a smile. Dean’s heart beat out of time and he knew he needed to see more of that.

 

“I’ll go get your bag for you before I leave. Maybe you can get a shower too.”

 

“Trying to imply something there, Cas?”

 

Cas’s smile spread and Dean grinned too. “No, I just thought you might feel better if you were able to get out of bed and actually do something. And the catheter is out, so…”

 

“Thanks, Cas.”

 

“Okay, okay,” Charlie said. “Cas will get you your bag and then you-” she pointed at Cas. “are coming with me.”

 

“O-okay.” Cas stammered.

 

Charlie motioned to the door and Cas followed her silent instructions. When the door closed Dean tried to settle in the bed, but his brain was a blur of Cas. It was frustrating as hell because he’d thought maybe when this was all over they’d get a burger and fuck on their last night in a motel room before Dean went home so he could get the bedhead and blue eyes out of his head. But now after he’d felt Cas’s touch light up his entire body like some sort of salvation he was pretty sure anything less would be utter disappointment. If they fixed the problem and all of this went away… Loneliness flooded him at the thought and he cursed his body out loud.

 

Dean really just wanted someone close. Someone who cared, someone who would listen. His phone was on the table and he stared at it hard before deciding to dial.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hey, Sammy.”

 

“Dean.” There was so much relief in that one word that tears welled in Dean’s eyes. “Are you okay?”

 

“Um, yeah. You talk to Agent Mills?”

 

“Yeah. She took the envelope and she says she has what she needs.”

 

“Good. You all okay over there?”

 

“Yeah. Bobby’s surly, but what else is new?”

 

Dean chuckled. “I figured.”

 

“Are you hiding out like us?”

 

“Uh, kind of. I got a lot to tell you, Sammy, if you want to- you know- listen.”

 

“Of course I do, Dean. Why wouldn’t I?”

 

Dean breathed deep, the air stuttering all the way in. “Well- you know. We haven’t been so good since I got back to Kansas.”

 

“We were doing fine before you left again. And I know you had to leave this time.”

 

Dean sniffed and swiped at his eyes. “Okay. um. So it’s a long story and I’m kind of still in the middle of it, but I want to tell you before…” He had to drag in several deep breaths before he continued, with a few hasty calls of his name from Sam.

 

“I’m okay,” he said. “But I’m at a hospital ‘cause something in my brain is going crazy and they’re going to fix it.”

 

There was silence on the other end of the line. “Fix it how?” Sam finally asked.

 

“They’re still doing tests, but maybe a surgery, maybe medicine. I’ll tell you when I know.”

 

“I should be there, Dean.” he could hear a sort of frantic insistence in his brother’s voice, but he needed Sam to stay put- to stay safe.  
  


“I have someone here with me.”

 

“Who?”

 

“Some doctors and a… a cop that- I don’t know,” Dean said. “He’s helped get me to the right people to figure this out.”

 

“You gonna tell me what ‘this’ is?”

 

“Uh, yeah. You got some time?”

 

Sam laughed and Dean smiled at the light sound. “Yeah, Dean. I think I have some time.” God, he missed his brother’s sarcasm.

 

Cas dropped the bag off while Dean was talking and waved silently before he left again. The parting didn’t feel so bad now, not while he was talking to Sam. After he’d told Sam about all the names, leaving out the part about the associated deaths, he told him about Charlie’s thoughts on the cause and possible fixes. He told Sam he’d let him know when he got results, and he was utterly unprepared for his brother’s declaration of love at the end of their talk.

 

“I know, Sam.”

 

“Just… try to remember okay? I love you. I need you around.”

 

“Yeah, I got that. I’ll call soon, okay?”

 

Dean ended the call and dropped his hand back to the bed, cell still in hand. He looked up at the beige ceiling tiles like they could instill the calm he needed. Clean clothes, a shower- that’s what he really needed. A hot shower. He dug through his bag for something clean to wear. They’d have to find a laundromat whenever he got out of the hospital.

 

Dean located his shampoo and grabbed the stack of clothes he’d assembled before heading to the bathroom. He vaguely worried about Cas not being there- he remembered precisely what had happened the last time he’d been in a hospital bathroom, but he told himself this time would be different. He’d already been through the suppressant medication so no reason for his levels to spike this time.

 

The hot water felt like so much more than what it was. It nearly cleared away the mess of the last few days as he focused on the sound of the water instead of the scramble in his head, and by the time he dressed and brushed his teeth he felt almost entirely like a new person. Cas was back in the room wearing jeans and an AC/DC t-shirt by the time he came out and he grinned at Dean.

 

“You’re back quick. No more suit?” Dean asked as he shoved his dirty clothes into his bag.

 

“I’m out of clothes. Jimmy met me at the house to let me in and brought some of his things for me to use.”

 

“Well, Jimmy has good taste,” Dean said and Cas’s smile spread wide. The t-shirt/jeans combo certainly worked for Cas- it took a little edge off of the “grumpy detective” vibe he had going before, but the bedhead on top of it heated Dean through. “We’re going to have to hit a laundromat soon,” Dean added, trying to ignore the attraction.

 

“Michael said we can use his machine. Maybe I’ll go do that later tonight. Do you feel any better?”

 

“Yeah.” Dean sat on the bed. He did feel better, but fatigue was starting to really take hold again.  “Just tired I guess.” He laid down and pulled the blanket up, which had Cas up and standing close again.

 

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Cas asked, and with a touch to Dean’s arm lit him up again all over, warm and bright.

 

“Fine.” _But happy. Connected._ Dean tried to shake that part off, but he gave in. He needed it just then, and the effort to push it back was exhausting.

 

“Rest until the MRI then.” Cas grabbed his chair and pulled it up close. “I’m not going anywhere.”

 

“I think Charlie’s coming back first,” Dean said.

 

“Right. Okay. Um, do you want me to leave? When she comes back?”

 

“What? No. I-”

 

“I mean, you wanted me to leave earlier and-”

 

“Cas,” How was he supposed to say “when you leave it feels like my heart is being shredded” without sounding like a stalker? But Cas stood there, his face showing more openness than Dean had seen before. He was waiting for Dean to continue, to share whatever it was that he needed to say. “I just- um, I was worried you would think…. Dammit- this is so fucked up.”

 

“What exactly?”

 

“This! The goddamn amoramine running around my body. It’s so confusing.”

 

“Right.” Cas stepped back and sat down. “I’m sorry- I think I’m contributing to the confusion instead of helping. I thought I was helping.”

 

“It does, actually. I’ve felt-” Dean stopped himself. Could he say it? “I feel better when you’re here. I- I’ve needed you.”

 

Cas’s face changed, drawing closed again.  A terse smile stretched his lips. “At least according to the amoramine.”

 

 _That’s not what Charlie says._ Dean tried to push that back too, but the fact forcefully rose to the top of his mind, practically pinning itself there. She did tests- they’d know what was going on soon, and then maybe they’d have to have a conversation.

 

Someone knocked on the door and pushed it open after a few seconds. “Hey, guys. I’m back,” Charlie smiled at Cas then Dean, and Cas rose to go.

 

“No- stay.” Dean hadn’t intended the pleading tone to invade his words, but it was out there now for Cas to interpret the way he wished. Cas looked to Charlie and she interceded for him.

 

“I’m going to be asking some very personal questions, Dean.”

 

“I want him here.” Dean could be stubborn too. “Cas, I need you here.”

 

Cas looked at him finally, his eyes flashing with something Dean hadn’t seen before. “You actually need me or you just think that?”

 

Dean wasn’t sure himself. Would he keep Sam in the room? Absolutely not. But Cas...

 

“I don’t want to do this by myself,” He finally said. Cas stood still in the middle of the room, Charlie looking between the two of them.

 

“Okay, stay Cas. We obviously have to discuss this first.”

 

Cas widened his stance and crossed his arms over his chest. “Go ahead.”

 

“There is something going on between you two, _obviously._ Dean is convinced it is because of his amoramine reaction to Aaron, and it looks like he’s convinced you of that too. Guys- it doesn’t work like that. Okay? If the reaction you had at Aaron’s place was connected to Aaron you would have absolutely zero reaction to Cas. What you’re trying to say is just not possible, okay?”

 

Charlie looked between them again. “I explained the lab to you earlier, Cas. As soon as I get that back I’ll have a good idea if this is just Dean’s problem or if something weird is going on with the both of you. I’m pretty sure you guys just like each other and due to something with Dean it probably did get a little hyped. But I think it’s real and you’re going to have to deal with it.”

 

Dean ventured a look at Cas, but his focus was in a low corner of the hospital room and his face had gone back to indiscernible. A visceral sense of rejection ripped through Dean and he closed his eyes while he tried to deal with the conflict between his head and body. He felt someone next to him and cracked an eye. Charlie was at his bedside messing with one of the monitors and pulling leads down.

 

“You’re supposed to be wearing these,” She said softly as she worked. She turned the volume low before she attached them, and once they were placed she tapped the monitor. “Keep it under 100 for me.”

 

It gave him something to focus on and Dean was grateful for the distraction. He watched it lower as he breathed, and he purposely kept his eyes off of Cas. 105, 103, 102…

 

“Is he staying or going?” Charlie asked, keeping her voice low.

 

“Staying,” he said to her, then looked at Cas, stone still in the middle of the room. “Cas, will you stay?” he forced his voice louder for that question, but it still shook.

 

“I’m- I’m going to make a few phone calls.” Cas left so quick Dean didn’t get the chance to respond, but his heart started pounding and his chest hurt and an excruciating sense of loss worked through him.

 

“Charlie, he- he-”

 

Charlie pressed a hand against him. “Dean, you’re okay. Breathe for me. Remember to keep your heart rate down.” He clutched at her wrist for someone something to make him feel grounded here.

 

“Good. Keep breathing. Um, I think you’re experiencing some rejection.”

 

“That’s a soulmate thing.”

 

“I know. I really need that MRI and lab values before I can give you a good answer, but- this is definitely unique.”

 

Dean released her arm as his body calmed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

 

“It’s okay. I think I’ll let you rest, okay?”

 

“No. You need to know about California, right? To help you with the other tests?”

 

“It can wait.”

 

“Charlie, I don’t want to be alone.”

 

“I’ll stay until he gets back,” Charlie said, smiling like she really believed Cas would be back any second. Dean knew better. Cas was a runner- he’d said so himself.

 

When the next knock on the door was an orderly coming to pick Dean up for the MRI Charlie was the only one who was surprised. He had to sit in a wheelchair for the ride down and he only really complied because he didn’t want to have to fight anything or anyone else. Charlie walked with him, telling him how simple the test would be- all he had to do was lay there and not move- and how the test would narrow down all the possibilities.

 

When they reached the room, Dean listened and did everything the tech asked him to do, lying down on the narrow slab and accepting the warm blanket tucked up under his arms. Charlie had talked to him about possible claustrophobia in the machine, but he could see the way out and he figured he could muscle through for the pictures. But then the tech moved to put a piece over his head and he bucked up.

 

“What the hell is that?”

 

She blinked, but put on a fake smile. “It’s called a coil, it’s part of the machine.”

 

“We’ll have to go without that. I can hold plenty still.”

 

“It’s not to help you hold still. It focuses the machine.”

 

“Look,” Dean squinted at her name tag. “Amy, I don’t think you understand. You- you call Dr. Bradbury back in here and she’ll tell you I don’t need that. I can’t- I can’t- I can’t do that.” He felt cold suddenly and he sat up fully to hold his head in his hands.

 

“Dean- hey. Hey, it’s me.” _Charlie._ “What’s wrong?”

 

“I can’t. The tunnel’s bad enough and the headgear is impossible. No. No, no, no I can’t. Don’t make me go in there…”

 

Charlie nodded along while Dean sputtered. “No one is putting you in the MRI machine until you say, okay? I’ll be right back.”

 

Dean nodded sullenly and watched her walk out of the room. His heart was beating a million miles a minute and his head hurt. When he thought about it he realized the ache was everywhere and he was tired and he just wanted to sleep.

 

“Mr. Winchester, are you alright?”

 

When he looked up the tech was next to him, hunched over to look into his face.

 

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m not- I don’t usually yell at people like that.”

 

“Please don’t worry about that. Are you feeling alright? Dizzy? Nauseous?”

 

“I just want to go back to my room.”

 

The door opened and Charlie came back in. She pulled the tech aside, whispered and sent her out. Dean kept his head down the whole time, focusing on a particularly boring floor tile.

 

“Dean, how do you feel about valium?”

 

“I… don’t know? Never took it before.”

 

“It will help you relax. Do you think we could try that and then try the MRI again?”

 

“I don’t know. I don’t know, Charlie. What should I do?”

 

“I can’t choose for you, Dean. All I can tell you is that this test is the very best way to figure out what is going on.”

 

The tech came back in with a small plastic cup in one hand and a larger one in the other.

 

“What do you say?” Charlie asked. “We have the medicine right here. We’ll set you up to wait for a bit while the medicine kicks in and then we can try again.”

 

Dean screwed his eyes tight shut. Walking into this place had been a problem from the moment he saw the size of the machine, but he had toughed it out that far.

 

“What about the cage thing over my head. We can leave that off, right?”

 

“The coil has to stay. That’s what gives me accurate pictures.”

 

Dean fought against his racing heart and the blood pounding through his brain. He had to decide. He had to... “Okay,” he said, his eyes fluttering open with wet lashes. _When did I start crying?_ “I’ll take the medicine. I’ll try to do it, but I can’t promise.”

 

“I know you’ll do your best.”

 

The tech offered the pills and water to Dean and he took them one at a time, throwing his head back to make sure the pills went down quick. The tech collected his trash and Charlie offered a hand to help him up.

 

Cas was outside the door, pacing like mad when Dean and Charlie appeared in the doorway. He went directly to Dean, and put an arm around his back. Dean leaned into him and swiped again at his eyes. No way he was crying in front of Cas.

 

“You shouldn’t call and tell someone to ‘come quick’ when they have someone in the hospital!” Cas barked.

 

“I’m sorry,” Charlie said. “He’s fine, just a little claustrophobic.”

 

“A little,” Dean harrumphed as they followed Charlie to the little waiting area.

 

“Stay here with Cas and try to relax. The meds will help. They’re going to take another patient ahead of you and we’ll try again when you have some medicinal assistance.” Charlie smiled big and fake before she left, and that made Dean laugh.

 

He took one of the chairs and Cas moved the other one next to Dean before he sat. “You look terrible”

 

“Be honest now,” Dean teased.

 

“Sorry- I mean, you look like you’ve been through hell.”

 

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Dean leaned down to get his head lower. The nausea was subsiding, but it was still a bitch. “Everything okay with Anna?”

 

“Dean,” Only Cas could pack that much emotion into a word, like he couldn’t let it out any other way. The frustration was palpable, but Dean wasn’t going to budge.

 

“Move on, Cas. Is Anna alright? You said you were making phone calls.”

 

“As far as I know. She’s sticking with Michael and Zachariah at the station, and I don’t think they plan to move her from there.” A warm hand went across Dean’s shoulders and and he shook a little at the contact, but leaned into it while Cas continued. “Michael offered for us to stay at their house when you’re released.”

 

“Okay.” Dean said. He was feeling better by the second as he forced deep breaths and willed the nausea away. Cas’s arm across him didn’t hurt either. Maybe there was something to the soulmate nonsense if it meant near instant relief like this. “I can find a motel easy.”

 

“If you do that I’m going with you.”

 

“Cas-”

 

“I’m sorry about earlier. I shouldn’t have left.” Cas’s arm tensed around Dean. “You needed me.”  
  


He did. “Does it feel right to you?” Dean asked. “Whatever is going on with us?”

 

Cas swallowed hard. “Dean, if it’s just hormones-”

 

“Can we drop the ‘it’s just the hormones’ bit? I know I was it’s biggest proponent, but Charlie said that’s not what it is.”

 

Cas’s eyes darted to a corner of the room and he started to stammer.

 

“It feels so different from everything else I’ve ever…” Dean trailed off, unsure of where he was going with it. It was all true, and there was a large part of him already mourning the fact that he and Cas wouldn’t have a real shot. “I mean, you wouldn’t be able to feel something that was just my brain malfunctioning, right? And you feel it, so…” Dean turned his body to Cas’s and Cas mirrored him, eyebrows raised. Dean grabbed the front of Cas’s borrowed t-shirt and pulled him closer, giving him plenty of time to bail out before he kissed him. Their lips met briefly, chastely, but it was enough to push them both back for space and air.

 

“Dean, I don’t know if you mean this.” Cas’s eyes ran everywhere but Dean’s face until Dean leaned back a little farther. When Cas’s eyes finally focused center heat ran down Dean’s spine and into every limb.

 

“I’ve told you before and I still mean it now, Cas. I’m not going to let random chemicals tell me what to do.” Dean leaned back in and kissed him harder this time. The same lightning pop charged through him at the contact just like it had in the motel room however many nights earlier, leaving Dean gasping. Cas returned with everything he had, pulling Dean to him by the neck with strong but gentle fingers. He licked against Dean’s lips and into his mouth, tasting him like it would all be gone in a moment. His fingers had not left Dean’s neck since he first held him but now one worked up into Dean’s hair and the other went to the bottom of Dean’s tshirt and the gap of skin exposed above his jeans.

 

The same sensation of electricity came from Cas’s fingers like it did from his lips and Dean jumped at the contact there. That small reaction triggered something in Cas and he froze for a moment before letting go completely and stepping back.

 

“Goddammit, Cas.” Dean cursed under his breath.

 

“I’m sorry. I don’t know if you’re doing this because it’s what you want or just what you think you want or the drugs they just gave you- I don’t know. We can’t.”

 

“I have wanted to fuck you since the first night I saw you.”

 

“How romantic,” Cas replied with his intrinsic sarcasm.

 

“I might like you more now, but that doesn’t make it less true, Cas.”

 

At the sound of his name Cas smiled a real smile and Dean’s chest expanded with the sight, but then Cas looked full into his face and his chest nearly exploded with the emotion he saw there.

 

“It’s not just you, Dean. And I don’t think it’s a soulmate thing. Um- I- uh-” Cas stuttered to a stop and pulled at the collar of his t-shirt to show the beginning of Amelia’s name still emblazoned there. “And as far as I know you don’t have a new name either.”

 

“No,” Dean admitted.

 

“Then, it’s … us. It’s you and me.”

 

“Maybe we both just want to fuck each other.”

 

Cas smiled a little. “After a kiss like that I’d like to think it might be more than that.”

 

Dean looked down, his face suddenly hot and he smiled to himself. “I don’t know what to say, Cas.”

 

“You don’t have to say anything.” Cas put his arm back around him and guided him in turning back around to be more comfortable in his chair. His arm was heavy and wonderful and Dean pressed into his side.

 

“If we had met a different way, a different time…” Dean started, but he couldn’t finish it. What would he say? _I wouldn’t be a killer. Or you wouldn’t be trying to save my ass._

 

“What? It would be better? Maybe you would have had just one soulmate and gone after that one. We know you’re not mine.”

 

“I told you I never liked the soulmate thing.”

 

“Turns out I’m not a fan either.” Cas said softly.

 

Dean let his eyes slide closed. He was so tired, and the day had been stressful. He breathed in and out, soaking up the feel of Cas’s arm around him, his body solid. He knew the drugs were contributing to the heavy feeling in his body, and probably the exhaustion too. “I’m sorry,” he said, and the words felt foreign in his mouth.

 

“Why?”

 

“You shouldn’t be forced to love a mess,” Dean said.

  
Cas's shoulder moved underneath him and his arm tightened around him.  “Who’s forcing me, Dean?”


	11. California

“Dean.”

 

 _Cas._ He registered the voice automatically, like their connection had always been there. He tried to wake up, but everything in him screamed for more time, more sleep.

 

“Dean, Charlie’s here to talk.”

 

 _Oh god…_ if he could sleep for a hundred years it wouldn’t be enough. But Dean forced himself awake, cracking an eye to see for himself. Charlie was there with another doctor in a white coat and they had brought in more chairs to sit. His heart sped up and the beep on the monitor with it.

 

“Hi, Dean.” Charlie said, her eyes focused on the monitor. “I want you to keep your heart rate down under 100 okay? That means deep breaths and that kind of calming stuff.”

 

“Why? What happens when it goes up?  
  
“If your amoramine has spiked at the time your heart rate is up it floods your system faster and makes it harder for us to combat it.” The doctor with the white coat stood up and offered her hand to him. “I’m Dr. Pamela Barnes. I’ve been consulting with Dr. Bradbury about your case.” Dean shook her hand and when she sat back down he pushed himself up to sitting and took a drink out of the cup Cas offered. He cleared his throat as he stretched a little. “So what’s the verdict? How ugly is my brain?”

 

“It’s beautiful actually,” Dr. Barnes said. “You’re unique, Dean.”

 

“That’s one way of putting it,” Dean muttered and laid back down, this time on his side.

 

“We have a few things to discuss. Would you like Mr. Novak to leave?”

 

Dean smiled and looked at Cas in the chair right next to his head. Like Cas didn’t already know most everything about him. “No, he can stay.”

 

“Okay. So Dr. Bradbury shared some of your earlier results from her initial blood test and I’ve seen all your records here at the hospital. I know you also have somewhat of a mysterious medical past, but I think we may be able to clear some of that up for you.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Your brain is fine. Your amoramine is still higher than I like, but you seem to function well unless you are under stress, which seems to cause it to spike. That has landed you here twice now recently. We looked at another hormone level with the last lab draw and it appears that you are essentially missing the hormone that acts as a shut off for amoramine to keep it from spiking like that. So you’re going to start taking medication for that.”  
  


Dean shook his head. “I don’t want another IV. I’m done with that.”

 

“Dean-” Cas started, but Dr. Barnes put up a hand and smiled.

 

“You’re in luck. This one is an oral med. So when you get your meds tonight you’ll have a new one. I want to get you out of here, but with your previous reaction to one of the suppressants I’d like to make sure you do alright with this one and if you do we’ll get you out of here tomorrow.”

 

“Will this resolve the soulmate name issue?”

 

“So that’s where this get’s really interesting,” Charlie said. “You mentioned feeling like-” She glanced at Dean. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to disclose anything that-”

 

“We worked it out, Charlie.” Dean looked up at Cas. “You can say whatever you want.”

 

“Okay, well, you’re showing identical rises in levels like I’d expect to see in a soulmated couple. Are either of you sporting new names today?”

 

“No,” Cas said.

 

“So that’s what makes this so interesting- you’re already matched to someone else, Cas, and Dean keeps rotating, but you still matched together. I don’t know why this would happen, but it’s like your endocrine systems called to each other and agreed to go against your original code.”

 

“I’ve never seen anything like this either. I would really like to continue to follow both of you on this case,” Dr. Barnes said.

 

Cas looked immediately to Dean who had started sputtering through a long line of interrupted excuses. “I think what Dean’s trying to say is that he’s done with that considering his past history.”

 

That was exactly it, and Cas just knew to say it. He spoke up not because Dean couldn’t but so that Dean didn’t have to. Dean reached up for him and Cas took his hand despite what had to be an awkward angle for him.

 

“Huh.” Charlie said. “You certainly did ‘work it out’ I guess.”

 

“We talked,” Dean said, one corner of his mouth curling.

 

“Well, guys, you don’t have to let us follow your case by any means, but if you have other medical issues related to this it would be good for you to come here first since we have all your records and research and already know your case well. We’ll give you copies of everything in case you need to go elsewhere. And you would need to find an endocrinologist to see regularly for your medication.”

 

“I actually live in Kansas, so I guess I’ll need a recommendation.” Dean said.

 

Dr. Barnes smiled reassuringly.“We can certainly do that.”

 

Dean cleared his throat. “Hey- uh… is Cas healthy?” He could feel Cas’s squinty stare on his head without looking, but Dean wanted to make sure he was okay too.

 

“What do you mean?” Charlie asked.

 

“His labs? Like his amoramine isn’t super messed up like mine?”

 

“No, just the normal levels we see for someone who is matched.”

 

“So the name thing.” Cas interjected. “Will the new medication for Dean stop him from generating new names?”

 

“Well, that’s my theory,” Dr. Barnes said. “I’ve obviously never seen this before. There are only a few soulmate disorders, but there’s one we refer to as a flickering match. The patient has a soulmate and they bear the correct soulmate mark but the mark disappears and returns. It’s always the same soulmate though. The fact that yours changes is a first. I have interns scouring medical journals for any mention of a case like this.”

 

“But you’re saying that the medication will make it so I don’t get any other names,” Dean asked again.

 

“I won’t promise, but I think there’s a good chance,” Dr. Barnes said.

 

A way out. That’s what it was. He’d swallow the pills every day and that would be the end. Keep it all out, stay with Cas for a while to see if there was really anything there, and when the drugs started really doing their job they would know if any of it was fake or if it was them. How could they have that kind of connection without it being a soulmate bond?

 

“Okay. Let’s do the medication so I can get out of here and try to get back to normal.”

 

“I was hoping to collect a little more of your history from you,” Dr. Barnes said. “From what I’ve gathered there’s reason to think this didn’t occur naturally.”

 

Dean squeezed his eyes shut and his heart monitor took a jump up. “They took my blood all the time. I’ve had a three surgeries I know of. I know I don’t have a gallbladder or appendix anymore, but you don’t really have to have those, do you?”

 

Charlie turned the monitor volume down, but tapped it to get Dean’s attention before resettling in her seat. He nodded. He knew 100 was the magic number and he’d do his best to stay under.

 

“Did they inject you with anything?” Dr. Barnes asked gently.  
  
“Not that I know of.”

 

“Do you know why they needed the blood?” Charlie asked.

 

Dean lay there somber, but he knew he had to say. They needed it. “I’m not a scientist so I don’t know what it means, but they kept talking about the code in my blood.”

 

“Okay.” Dr. Barnes had lowered her voice considerably and when she spoke again she was careful and that put Dean on edge. “What was the facility testing for?”

 

“Do I look like I was on the payroll?” Dean snapped. Cas squeezed his hand, and Dean wasn’t sure if it was for reassurance or meant as a warning.

 

“Dean, I know this is difficult-”

 

He let out a derisive laugh. “I guess you could say that. Nine months in a fucking box having stuff cut out of you, things poked into you every single day, being treated like a fucking animal is probably difficult.”

 

“Dean.” Cas’s voice moved through him like a wave, clearing out the grit. He breathed in deep through his nose and closed his eyes before he released the air. When he opened his eyes Dr. Barnes was standing next to him.

 

“I’m sorry,” She said. “There is no easy way to ask.”

 

“I know.” Dean mumbled. He released Cas’s hand and sat up in the bed. “It’s just-”

 

“It hasn’t been long enough. It probably never will be,” Dr. Barnes said. “They say to put your past behind you, but no one ever tells you that you just end up dragging it around.” She patted him on the leg and smiled at him, the forced smile that pops into use whenever attention is elsewhere. “Rest. We’ll get you started on your new medicine soon and go from here.”

 

“For what it’s worth you’ve handled this like a champ,” Charlie said as she stood.

 

“I’m a little tired of handling everything.”

 

“I know.” Charlie patted his arm. “Almost done, okay?”

 

“It was nice to meet you, Dean.” Dr. Barnes said. “I hope to see you again- and only under good circumstances.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

Cas stood as the two doctors walked out and followed them to the door. He closed it gently behind them then returned to Dean. “Is the valium gone?” He sat on the bed next to Dean and took one of his hands again.

 

“I think. I don’t feel like my arms are going to fall off anymore.”

 

“Good,” Cas said as he tipped forward slowly, with plenty of time for Dean to ditch out from the kiss. He wasn’t going to. When Cas’s lips met his, all Dean could think about was how unreal Cas was in that moment. If he really knew… Cas got back up to turn off lights. It was never fully dark in a hospital room, but he made it as close as he could.

 

“You’re going to sleep,” Cas said.

 

“It’s like six o’clock, Cas.”

 

“I know. And you’ll get woken up for meds and then woken up all night for vitals. You have to make up for the lack of quality with a large quantity.”

 

“What are you going to do?”

 

“Get some sleep myself,” Cas started to sit in the chair, but Dean scooted forward to the edge of his bed.

 

“Up here with me?” Dean said. “It’s not great, but it has to be better than that chair.”

 

It took some maneuvering, but Cas made it, stretching out behind Dean on his side. He ran a light hand down Dean’s arm from the shoulder until he found his hand and tangled their fingers together.

 

“Are you okay with this?” Cas asked, voice low and breath humid on the back of his neck. The hair there raised like some sort of biological call and response.

 

“I invited you up here.”

 

“Even after they basically called us soulmates.”

 

“I figure I know you enough at this point and you’ve been stalking me for a few months, so you know everything too.”

 

“Only the stuff you can find out like that.” Cas pulled Dean back against him, shaping his body around him. The warmth from Cas’s body soaked into Dean and he tried to relax into him. He wanted to. He wanted this to be a moment for them- something nice, something good, but there was too much between them. Cas had to be wondering, worrying…

 

“I have a lot of scars,” Dean said softly into the dark.

 

“Okay.”

 

“My arms are all marked up from all the needles.”

 

“I didn’t notice, and I’ve seen your arms plenty.”

 

Now for the bigger ones. “Procedures too.”

 

Cas chuckled, but they both knew it wasn’t funny. “Are you preparing me?”

 

“I just… you should know what you’re getting into if we stay together.”

 

Cas went rigid and quiet behind him and when he finally breathed Dean let out the breath he was holding too.

 

“Why do you say if?” Cas asked.

 

“I’m not easy to live with.”

 

“I had no idea.” Dean could practically hear Cas’s eyeroll. “Try again,” Cas said.

 

“Really. Nightmares and anger and... I run. Like you said.”

 

Cas tucked his hand under Dean’s chin and tilted him enough to kiss his cheek. “Stop trying to scare me off.”

 

Dean expected him to tease, but Cas said it with such sincerity. Of course he was taking it all in stride- it was all the small stuff. The easy to explain stuff, nothing terrible. Cas had probably already imagined what he found horrifying- people kept against their will, invasion of their bodies against their consent. And he’d decided that he could deal with that part of Dean’s past. But there was still the part that Dean couldn’t live with and he had to know if Cas could if they were to continue.

 

“I am broken, Cas. More than my body. I don’t sleep. You’ve seen that. I… “

 

He expected Cas to shush him, and again he was surprised. While he tried to stack the words up before he spilled them out on display for Cas to judge Cas kept quiet, waiting.

 

“I wanted to die there,” Dean finally said. “I fought every day and they beat me every time until I asked them to kill me.”

 

Cas’s arm twitched against him but he didn’t say anything.

 

“I got one attempt in before they put me in that room by myself. And when I got out Agent Mills… Jody… she stayed with me. She knows how bad it was. They were going to put me in another hospital and I begged her not to make me go…” Every word came out broken, like his voice couldn’t bear the burden of the story now that he was putting words to it. Dean’s lashes went wet and he didn’t even try to keep the tears from falling.

 

“I’ve spent the better part of six years trying to… _want_ … to be alive, and I’m doing a shitty job.”

 

He felt Cas swallow hard behind him. He was getting ready to say, “I’m so sorry about your bad experience” or something like it, and if Dean had to hear one more word of pity or sorrow over his circumstances...

 

“If you’ve done a shitty job of caring, I want to see your gold standard.”

 

Dean looked up over his shoulder. He could only make out Cas’s nose in the dim light from that angle. “What?”

 

“You haven’t done a shitty job. You’ve been repairing your relationship with Sam, and Bobby and Ellen, you’ve been gainfully employed, and when you heard about what was happening to your matches you jumped at the chance to help solve it.”

 

Dean sniffed and tucked his head down and away, but Cas pressed a hand over his heart. “Dean, I wore depression like a personalized shirt for a long time. Sometimes to get out you have to do the ordinary things you know how to do. You had a hell of a lot to conquer after California, and you did. I’m not saying you’re happy, but you’re productive, you have relationships- that’s more than I can say about myself in the first few years after Amelia.”

 

Cas kissed his neck and then his shoulder, both chaste reassuring pecks that sent a little jolt down Dean’s spine. They were meant for comfort, added knowledge that someone was on his side, that someone understood at least in part what he had lived through in the past several years.

 

“Cas, I can’t make any promises-”

 

“Who’s asking for promises? I’m not asking for anything.”

 

“You asked me why I said ‘if we stay together’ and I’m telling you. I’m a giant fucking mess.”

 

Cas shifted back on the narrow bed and pushed Dean’s shoulder down so that he was nearly flat on the thin mattress. Cas hovered over him, and Dean’s chin shook as he watched him in the muted light. The furrowed brow was back, the squint of his eyes, and when Cas raised a hand Dean tensed and closed his eyes even though he knew it would be nothing harsh.

 

Cas’s fingers brushed over his cheekbones and across thin trails of tears that had leaked from each eye. He was gentle, and that was worse. Dean turned away from him, and Cas cupped his cheek firmly and turned him back.

 

“Dean, you don’t get to tell me what to think of you. I don’t see a reason for ‘if’.” He leaned down and kissed Dean soft, lingering for just a moment before he raised up enough to look him in the eye. “Sleep,” he said, and pushed Dean back up on his shoulder, tucking in around him again. Dean breathed in in one big draw and let it go. Cas tightened around him, and his breath was close on his neck again. Dean clamped his eyes closed. He was exhausted, but his brain was going every direction. He focused on Cas behind him and every spot where they pressed together on the narrow bed. His heart seemed to soar even as the monitor thumped out an even tempo well within Charlie’s designated range.

 

It would be good to know for sure. He’d start the medication and after awhile it would work and he’d know if it was just his body or something real between them. Sure, he knew what Charlie said, but at the same time- he had to know in his own heart and his own head. If he let himself want this too much it would mean devastation later. But Cas had listened to the things he hadn’t told anyone ever- and probably wouldn’t say again- and he hadn’t backed off. He seemed sincere, and god- his fucking voice when he’d said he didn’t see a reason…

 

Dean curled one arm up over Cas’s and twisted their fingers together over his chest. Cas pulsed an acknowledgement in his grip and held Dean tight until they both relaxed in sleep.

 

**********

 

“Mr. Winchester?”

 

Dean heard him, sure, but he wasn’t going to do anything about it until Cas stirred next to him and cleared his throat.

 

“Medication, I’m assuming?” Cas asked. He sat up and shook Dean’s shoulder, leaving Dean’s back exposed to the cold. “Dean. Let’s go. Medicine- so we can get you kicked out of here tomorrow.”

 

Dean reached out without opening his eyes and the nurse laughed. “Try again. Open your eyes, sit up… that’s it.”

 

Dean rubbed grit from his eyes before accepting the little cup of pills and the slightly bigger one of water. He downed them both, then curled back up. “Thanks, Chuck. Chuck, right?”

 

Chuck smiled. “You remembered. Honestly I was hoping not to see you back here, but then you showed up on my shift again. Decided to share the bed this time?” he motioned at Cas.

 

Dean glanced at Cas who looked slightly amused. “Uh, yeah,” Dean said. “Is that it? Nothing else tonight?”

 

“As far as medicine yes. There is someone here to see you though.”

 

“Who?”

 

“Agent Mills with the FBI?”

 

“Oh, yeah- she can come in.” Dean laid back again with a groan as Chuck left. “As soon as she goes, Cas, it’s back to bed.”

 

“I agree.” Cas sat on the side of Dean’s bed closest to the door and took Dean’s hand.

 

Mills pushed open the door, Henriksen close behind. “How are you doing, Dean?”

 

“Wiped out, but Charlie and Dr. Barnes think they found a fix.”

 

“Good. I’m so glad, Dean.” She smiled at him as she came closer. Cas nodded her to the chair but she shook him off. “I just wanted to check in on you.”

 

“I’m fine.” Dean’s drooping lids indicated otherwise. “You got back fast,” he said. “I didn’t think I’d see you again until tomorrow.”

 

“Back? We don’t fly out to Kansas City until tomorrow.”

 

Dean sat up, heart thundering. “Then who the hell did Sam talk to?”

 

“Our agents picked all four of them up yesterday,” Mills said. “They’re safe, Dean.”

 

“No- no, cause I talked to Sam earlier and he said he gave everything to you.” Dean looked to Cas for confirmation, but Cas was frowning at him.

 

“Dean, calm down, okay?” Cas looked up at his monitor and back to Dean.

 

“Maybe he was confused,” Jody said, but her eyes showed panic, and that’s when worry broke over the dam Dean had built for it.

 

“He’s a lawyer, Jody! He knew it could only go to you!”

 

“Dean! You have to calm down!” Cas fairly roared over everyone.

 

Dean already burned hot, and the tendons in his neck popped forward as he tried to push down what was boiling up in him.

 

“Dean, please.” Cas moved between Dean and the agents, blocking his view so that all he could see was Cas. “Deep breaths. Please.”

 

“But Sam-”

 

“He’s safe with the agents, she said.”

 

“Then who has the-” Dean gulped for air. “There are all the names and details and-” He hunched forward trying to calm himself. Deep breaths felt impossible. Cas put his arms around him and held him tight.

 

“It’s going to be okay,” Cas said into his ear. “Sam’s okay even if the information is gone.”

 

“They’re going to kill me,” Dean muttered, eyes wild at the thought. He sat up, shrugging Cas off. “They’re going to kill Sam and Madison and you…Everyone I...” Dean’s eyes bugged at that and he grabbed Cas’s arm. “You have to go. You have to hide-”

 

Cas gripped Dean’s shoulders and looked him straight in the eye blue eyes almost glowing from behind with anger and sincerity. “I’m not going anywhere without you. We will figure this out. You need to calm down or they’ll have to do another IV.”

 

That got Dean to breathe and refocus. As his numbers went down Cas’s grip got lighter and as his heartrate closed in on 100 Cas straightened to let Dean see the room again. Henriksen had left, but Mills was still there.

 

“I need to call Sam,” Dean said. Cas handed him his cell from the table and Dean dialed. It rang several times then went to voicemail and that did nothing to alleviate his fears. He looked to Mills for answers. “Jody?”

 

“Henriksen is making some calls. I’m sure we’ll get this sorted out, Dean.”

 

Dean’s phone rang- _Sam._ He answered. “Sam, thank god!”

 

“Try again.”

 

Dean closed his eyes and scrubbed a hand down the side of his face. “Crowley.”

 

“Sam is indisposed at the moment, but I’m always happy to give you a call.”

 

Dean swallowed. “Is he okay?”

 

“For the time being.”

 

“What do you want?” Dean asked. Cas touched his shoulder, but Dean couldn’t bear to look at him.

 

“I want you to be a good boy and follow the rules. You need to leave that hospital and drive. You get out of there and clear your head. You get a name and you find that girl. You put this all behind you and do what he’s asked you to do since day one.”

 

“You let Sam go.”

 

“Not until you pop a name and marry the girl.”

 

“Crowley that could take months. I can’t just get a name.”

 

“You can. Just think about what I’ll be doing to Sam in the meantime and I’m sure you can generate enough rage to force a name.”

 

“I swear to god-”

 

“Swear to whoever you want. But Sam stays with me until you obey. Call again when you get a name and we’ll negotiate his release- depending on how much of him is left, of course.”

 

The phone disconnected and the monitor was going crazy and red seemed to seep in from every direction. Dean ripped the leads off his chest to stop the insane beeping and sank his head into his hands, trying to think of anything at all that would help him figure out where Sam was.

 

“What did he say, Dean?” Jody’s voice came from somewhere vaguely to his right.

 

“Leave him alone,” Cas roared over his head. “Can’t you see that he’s in trouble?”

 

“Hey, Dean. Let me check you out.”

 

Dean looked up with red rimmed eyes to see Chuck smiling at him.

 

“Hi,” Chuck said. “Let me listen to you. Can you lay back?”

 

Dean obeyed, suddenly feeling numb everywhere. Sam and Cas and everyone  would die and all because of him and his broken body.

 

“I’m going to put the leads back on,” Chuck said, and that startled Dean out of his head and back to present.

 

“No. I have to go find my brother,” He said, and threw the blankets back. He swung his legs over the side like he was going to get up and both Cas and Chuck got in front of him to stop him.

 

“Dean, you need to stay here.”

 

“I can’t. Cas, I gotta’ go. I have to!” Dean forced his way up and Cas caught him in his arms.

 

“We will find him. I will find him, Dean.” Cas’s hand was on his neck and he lowered his face to Cas’s shoulder.

 

“Cas…”

 

“Dean, we can’t make contact with our people in Kansas,” Mills said. “I need to know what Crowley said so we can get moving on this.”

 

Dean pressed deeper into Cas’s body, and Cas gripped him tighter as he whispered promises to find Sam into Dean’s ear.

 

“He wants me to call him when I generate a name and he wants me to go wherever she is.”

 

“Can you write it all down for me?” Mills asked. Dean nodded against Cas’s shirt, then wiped at the wetness he left behind. He stepped back from Cas and it felt like death to put space between them, but he sat in the chair and Mills handed him a notebook and a pen.

 

“Write down every word you can think of that he said. Any sounds you heard in the background, all of it.”

 

Dean nodded absently but started writing. Cas’s phone rang in his pocket and he checked it.

 

“It’s Michael.”

 

“Take it,” Dean said and continued writing.

 

Cas answered as he walked to the doorway. A sense of horror and shock flashed through Dean and he looked up at Cas for relief, but Cas stood frozen by the door, cellphone to his ear as he tried to produce words.

  
“Where is she now?” Cas asked. Dean’s stomach dropped and he knew right away that something had happened to Anna.


	12. Together

The waiting room was meant for family, but Dean was there anyway, along with several people from the police department. Michael was at the center of most of it, but Cas and Jimmy had found a couch in the corner and Cas held onto his brother like he was the one dying.

 

Anna had laid down to nap. The next time Michael had checked on her she’d still been asleep, the blanket she’d brought from home pulled up to her nose. He only noticed something was out of place when he leaned down to kiss her cheek and he saw her eyeliner smeared like she’d been crying. He touched her to wake her and the blanket shifted enough to see the tape over her mouth.

 

The stab wounds to her stomach landed her in surgery, but it was the defensive wounds on her arms and hands that everyone was talking about. She had struggled and fought, and if she made it through maybe she’d be able to say who it was. Footage of the room was mysteriously turned off at the time.

 

Dean stayed back, picking up pieces of information as he listened to the quiet conversations around him, but his eyes were on Cas. Jimmy’s arms were around Cas and Jimmy was the one saying soothing things in Cas’s ear instead of Dean. Cas’s face went anywhere from his usual stoic mask to incredible grief as all the facets of the situation hit him at different times. Dean sat hunched over elbows on knees, waiting for something- anything to change this thing, but he was to blame and he was certain Cas would never forgive that even if Anna survived.

 

Michael sat next to him and Dean tensed, ready for an attack. Michael didn’t say anything. He just leaned in to assume the same position as Dean and after a long time he said, “Anna likes you.”

 

“What?” Dean asked. It felt like such an inappropriate comment that he guessed it was a bad attempt at a joke, but Michael’s face was as stiff and calm as Cas’s usual countenance and Dean couldn’t read him either.  

 

“She likes you. For Cas, I mean. She approves.”

 

“Does that really matter right now?” Dean muttered.

 

“No. Nothing really matters right now, does it?”

 

Dean shook his head. “Will she make it?”

 

Michael smiled the thin smile of a man barely holding it together. “She’s a fighter. You haven’t seen it yet, but when she gets worked up about something we all stay out of her way.” Michael’s eyes welled up and Dean looked away. He couldn’t watch Michael cry over his wife.

 

“I’m sorry,” Dean said, his words stumbling out quietly and he berated himself for not being stronger. Michael deserved so much more than those small words and Anna even more. “I didn’t want this.”

 

Michael shook his head. “We did everything we could. She was locked in a room with officers outside. I was there, Zachariah was there. I don’t know how this happened, how anyone got even remotely close to her.”

 

Across the room Cas sat up on his own for the first time in the twenty minutes they’d been waiting. Jimmy was still talking in his ear, but at least Cas was trying. Dean hoped he’d look over at him, acknowledge that he was there waiting too, but Cas couldn’t seem to focus on anything but what was right in front of him. Anna was more important right now, and that was exactly how it should be. It would be selfish to think otherwise and Dean’s head understood, but he fought off the desire to keep Cas all to himself when his family needed him here.

 

“It had to be someone you all know and trust,” Dean said quietly and Michael looked up at him.

 

“There is not a single person on that police force that would betray us all like that.”

 

“Maybe it wasn’t a cop. Someone who runs copies, the front desk clerk- do you have an intern that gets all the coffee and donuts?”  
  


“I don’t know,” Michael said, his voice trailing on the end. He stood up and went over to Zachariah.

 

Dean went back to watching Cas. The kicker for him was that he felt this urgent almost desperate need to be closer to Cas, but Cas sat purposely across the room relying on someone else to calm his fears and hold his hand. Someone not Dean. Dean tried to push the fear and sense of rejection down, but it came up on him with intense need to claw its way up and overtake his heart. Why didn’t Cas have any of that? Dean knew the answer, but didn’t want to admit it. Saying it out loud made it true. But it also meant he knew what was right and that he had to do the right thing, no matter how painful.

 

“Dean Winchester?” A young woman announced in the doorway to the waiting room. a handful of people looked her way, but Dean stood up quickly and they all turned back to their hushed conversations. He looked for Cas before he went over to join the young woman. Cas was talking with Jimmy now, his hands spread in front of him as he spoke with obvious passion.

 

“Um, I’m Becky.” She smiled a little too brightly, her eyes a little too excited. “I’m the unit secretary for your, um- anyway… you’re supposed to be in your room. Your nurse came looking for you and you still weren’t back so he sent me to get you.”

 

“Right. Uh, Becky, we have sort of an emergency here.”

 

“I know, but you haven’t been checked out of the hospital yet, so you still have to have vitals done. He might let you come back after if you’re doing alright.”

 

Dean shoved his fingers roughly through his hair and looked back at Cas who was still caught up with Jimmy. “Okay. Fine, but I have to come back down here when I’m done.”

 

Becky nodded eagerly and led him to the elevator, grinning all the way to their floor and into Dean’s room. She waited until he sat on the bed, then announced proudly “I’ll tell Chuck I got you back.”

 

Dean rolled his eyes after she left. He collected his bag and anything around that was his- a phone charger, a hoodie, and after a moment he remembered leaving his shampoo in the shower. He was retrieving that when Chuck tapped on the door.

 

“Sorry I had to pull you out of there,” Chuck said as he motioned for Dean to take a seat on the bed. “You’re supposed to be wearing the monitor all the time and I have numbers to record for your chart.” He attached the lead to Dean’s chest again and in a moment the clear even rhythm of Dean’s heart filled the room.

 

“I’m fine, Chuck.”

 

“So that’s why you’ve landed in my hospital twice now.”

 

Dean thought of a million comebacks, but none were good enough to say so he just sat there looking sour.

 

“What happens if I leave?” he asked after Chuck had stared at the heart monitor for awhile and tapped in a few notes in the computer. “You know- if I just go?”

 

“And don’t wait for the doctor to release you? You have to sign a waiver saying you understand the risks of leaving against the advice of your doctor, but otherwise nothing really. We can’t stop you.”

 

“I have to go, Chuck. My brother is in trouble and  he’s gonna end up like Cas’s sister if I don’t take care of this.”

 

Chuck nodded, sympathy playing in his eyes as he swung his stethoscope off his neck. “Let me take a listen,” he said, and Dean lifted his shirt to give him access, but Chuck paused. “You have a name marked. When did this happen?”

 

Dean looked down and sure enough there were letters neatly stamped into his skin. Joanna Harvelle. The beep of the monitor sped up and Chuck put a hand on Dean’s shoulder. Dean looked up at his kind face and tried to breathe. “I don’t know.

 

“I need to let Dr. Barnes know,” Chuck said.

 

“You do that, but I still have to-” Dean pressed his head between his hands. “Shit. Okay. Um, go ahead.”

 

Chuck squeezed his shoulder in sympathy before he left, and the second he was gone Dean started pulling open all the drawers in the room, finally finding a pen and a small pad of paper in one. He scribbled out a note and folded it in half. Chuck wasn’t in the hall, but Becky was sitting at a station just a little down the hall.

 

“Hey, Becky?”

 

She smiled up at him. “What can I do for you?”

 

“Um, in that waiting room where you found me there’s a guy. His name is Castiel Novak. He has bright blue eyes. Can you get this to him? No rush. I mean, just- whenever you get a minute.” Dean scribbled Cas’s name on the outside and pushed the note to her.

 

“No problem.” Becky took it from him and set it on her desk. “Chuck should be back for you shortly.”

 

“Thanks, Becky. I appreciate it.” Dean flashed a smile and walked back to his room, ducking into his room for his bag, then checking to make sure she wasn’t watching as he went to the elevator.

 

By the time he reached the Impala the first wave of regret had passed, but another hit when he slid into the driver’s seat and slammed the door closed. Dean gripped the steering wheel, tendons straining as he worried his hands over the wheel. He told himself all the reasons he had to go. Sam needed him, he had to find Joanna Harvelle, Cas didn’t really- he couldn’t say it, couldn’t think it. While Cas seemed involved before Anna, her injury had made everything clear. It set Cas straight on his priorities and lifted the emotion out of their situation.

 

At least it did for Cas.

 

Dean swiped at his face, sniffed and shook his head to clear everything. He had Cas’s laptop in the trunk. All he needed now was to find some wifi so he could look up Joanna Harvelle’s ID tag and track her down. And then call Crowley and see what he could do for Sam…

 

The passenger door opened and Dean stared as Cas sat down with a thud. Dean waited for him to yell or rant or react in any way but how he did. Dean didn’t think it was possible but silence was worse.

 

“What do you want?” Dean asked.

 

“What do I-” Cas’s words were barely audible and he looked down. “I’m sorry. I thought we had established that you and I were-”

 

“We did, but then…” Dean clamped his mouth shut. He wasn’t going to shame Cas for grieving what had happened to his sister in whatever way he grieved it. He had obviously needed Jimmy, but watching him look elsewhere for comfort had brought on all the feelings of rejection he wasn’t supposed to have.

 

“Then…?” Cas looked him in the eye then and Dean crumbled. All the pain since the call from Michael was captured in his eyes and Dean tried to hold onto the fear and failure that seemed to run everywhere through him.

 

“I’m sorry about Anna. If I could have done anything differently you have to know I would have.”

 

“This isn’t on you, Dean. You can’t think like that.”

 

Dean turned back to the wheel, trying to gain back his resolve. “I understand that you need to be there. With your family. And I hope you understand that I have to go right now, but-”

 

“I’m going with you.”

 

“Cas-”

 

“We’re catching Crowley. We’re getting Sam back, we’re stopping this before anyone gets hurt. Before you have another name, before this hormone thing kills you-”

 

Dean tugged down the collar of his t-shirt and felt the flash of shock from Cas before he saw Cas’s face go white. “I have to find her. Stay with Anna, and I’ll go take care of this.”

 

Cas shook his head slowly, his eyes going darker. “If you tell me to get out of this car one more time I will punch you in the face.” His voice was completely flat, but Dean had no doubt about the anger he was holding back. “What do we need to do first?” Cas asked.

 

Dean sighed. “We need to find some wifi and get on the database to see where Joanna Harvelle is so we can start driving. And I need to call my dad.”

 

Cas turned to him and the look made Dean’s face burn. “What?” Dean demanded.

 

“The drunk bastard you barely speak to? The one that beat the shit out of you and your mom all the time?”

 

“He knows about this stuff. He’ll be able to find Sam.” Dean started the car and pulled out.

 

Cas snorted, disgusted by the idea. “If he’s even sober enough to answer the phone.”

 

Dean smiled at that. “I like that you’re sticking up for me, but you haven’t even met the guy.”

 

“I don’t have to meet him in person to hate him for what he did to you.” Cas settled into his seat. “Let’s go to Michael’s. We can use his wifi.”

 

Dean nodded and made the turn. They were quiet again together and Dean tried to sort through the muddle of emotion he was getting from Cas. His face gave nothing away as usual, but he was fidgeting for the first time Dean had ever seen and he kept his eyes down.

 

“Let me see her ID again and I’ll get the location. You make your phone call.” Cas said when they parked in the driveway. He took the keys from Dean to retrieve his laptop and Dean dialled his father.

 

“Son. S’good to hear from you for once. You don’t have a job here anymore by the way.”

 

Dean heard a bottle thunk against a surface. Of course he was drinking. “Thanks a lot, Dad.” He took a deep breath. The next part would be rougher. “I need your help.”

 

“Of course you do. Which jail?”

 

“It’s not like that. Sam’s in trouble.”

 

“What kind of trouble?”

 

“Someone took him.”

 

Dean held the phone away before the barrage of curse words started and Cas shook his head as he typed.

 

“Will you help find him?”

 

“Of course I fucking will, Dean. How did this happen? Tell it all because I know it was you that dragged him in the shitter with you.”

 

Dean hung his head and blinked. He wasn’t wrong. “What do you need to know to find him?” Dean asked.

 

“A location would be nice.”

 

“If I had that I’d get him myself.”

 

“Cell phone?”

 

“They’re using Sam’s.” Dean listened to John scrounge around for what he assumed was a pen.

 

“Names,” John said, and Dean gave him everything he asked for after that. There was no telling which bit of information would lead him in the right direction.

 

“Where are you?”

 

“Trying to keep someone else from being killed.”

 

“Are you safe?”

 

Dean tensed. Of all the words he ever expected to hear from his father, they were some of the least likely, but Dean knew it had more to do with Sam’s part of the case than John showing actual and real concern for his oldest son. “Not really. But it will be over soon.”

 

“Call me when you are,” John said and he hung up.

 

Dean sat staring at the phone in his hand until Cas put a hand on his knee. “Are you okay?”

 

“Sure.” Dean said. Of course he wasn’t okay. Sam and Anna and now this weird thing with his dad. Everything stacked up and pushed at his already fragile sense of hope.

 

“Miss Harvelle is in Nebraska.”

 

“Let’s go then. I’m going to call Crowley and see what this name does for Sam.” He pulled out of the driveway and dialled Sam’s phone once they got on the road.

 

The phone only rang twice before the click of someone answering, but no one spoke on the other end.

 

“Hello?” Dean asked, but there was no sound. He glanced at Cas, who frowned and shrugged.

 

“I have a name,” Dean said to maybe no one.

 

“Dean?” The voice was strained and quiet, but it was his brother’s.

 

All the air sucked out of him and Dean fought to get something, anything out. A choked “Sammy” was all he managed and Cas slid closer, putting his arm around Dean’s shoulders.

 

“Sounds great, doesn’t he?” Crowley’s voice fouled the line. “At least for what he’s been through today.”

 

“Stop whatever it is you’re doing. I have a name and I’m driving to her right now.”

 

“Who’s the lucky lady?”

 

“Joanna Harvelle.”

 

“Good boy. I told you you’d generate quick enough if you put some effort into it.”

 

“Let Sam go, Crowley.”

 

“Now, now. That’s not the deal is it?”

 

Dean grimaced. “I’m on my fucking way! I can’t get there any faster than I’m going right now.”

 

“You connect with her and marry her and then we’ll talk.” Crowley snarled. “Get it done, Winchester.”

 

“Doesn’t Alistair know by now that it doesn’t work? I can’t-”

 

The phone went dead in his hand and he threw it in the back seat, cursing and pounding a fist on the steering wheel. Cas humbly suggested they stop and Dean listened, pulling off on the next exit ramp and into the parking lot of a gas station just off the highway. His hands shook on the wheel and Cas had to peel them off, taking them in his own.

 

“It will be okay, Dean.”

 

“You don’t know that.” Dean pushed the words out as his chest tightened. He’d force the shallow breaths deeper and think happy thoughts and everything else he was supposed to to combat the anxiety he’d lived with for years now, but it never felt like enough. It never pushed it away completely.

 

“I know that we’ll do whatever it takes to get Sam back as soon as possible. I swear, Dean. We will find him.” Cas pulled him tight against his chest, and it was there- with his face pressed into the soft cotton shirt covering Cas’s solid shoulder- that he could finally breathe. Cas relaxed his hold slowly, moving one hand to the back of Dean’s neck so his fingers could caress the skin there. The other found Dean’s hand again and laced their fingers together.

 

“Cas, I can’t do what he’s asking me to do. Crowley is going to kill Sam if Dad doesn’t find him in time.”

 

Cas nodded and brought their foreheads together. “Are you going to tell me what it is he wants you to do?”

 

“When… when the names started happening I didn’t know what was going on. I ignored them because I didn’t want… Anyway- you know that. Then Crowley showed up to tell me I could go home to Lawrence and… he told me Alistair wanted me to match and marry whenever I connected with someone.”

 

“But you never tried to find any of your matches.”

 

Dean shrugged and Cas ran his hand from Dean’s neck down to his shoulder.“I wasn’t going to drag someone else into this,” Dean said.

 

Cas ran his fingers over the seam of Dean’s sleeve and traced down his body to where he held Dean’s hand. He clasped it with both hands now and the worry in Dean’s body that has been working up into a problem dropped back. “So you go and connect with her.” His voice gave little away, but Dean took his words for uncertainty.

 

“I haven’t connected with any of my other supposed matches.”

 

“Maybe you will with her.”

 

“Cas, don’t say that.”

 

Cas squeezed his hand so tight the tips of Dean’s fingers went numb. “You’ve been waiting to see if the medication changes things, haven’t you?”

 

Dean swallowed. It was true, but he hadn’t realized that Cas was asking himself the same questions. “Have you been waiting too?” he asked.

 

“I know this is real for me.” Cas said. “I’m waiting for you to know that too.” He looked directly into Dean’s eyes and Dean realized that was where to find everything about him. His eyes held all the emotion Dean was feeling too. Cas tipped his head to the side, glancing down at Dean’s mouth then back up, telegraphing his intent like he wanted Dean’s approval before he made any attempt. Dean moved in first, but Cas held him there with a hand at the back of his head. He kissed Dean like he was begging him to believe, and Dean allowed it as he kissed Cas back. If Cas felt so sincerely about his commitment it had to say something.

 

“Do you need the name?” Dean’s voice shook as he spoke no matter how much force he put behind the words. “Because I’ll never have your name on my chest.”

 

“Is it okay that mine will always say someone else?” Cas asked in contrast. He hadn’t released Dean’s neck and he clung almost painfully there.

 

Dean dropped his head to Cas’s shoulder and Cas welcomed him, shifting to hold him. “What am I going to do, Cas?” Dean asked. “He wants me to connect with her and I’m already with you.”

 

“We will figure it out. We still have to protect her, so let’s get back on the road. I’ll drive first so you can sleep and I’ll call Agent Mills to see about getting some help in Nebraska.”

 

“And call Michael about Anna.”

 

Cas nodded and looked away. “I want you to sleep. You have hardly slept in the last 24 hours.”

 

“Like you’ve slept any more than me.”

 

“Well then let me drive first and we’ll split the time.”

 

“How long is the drive?”

 

“A little over nine hours.”

 

Cas was right. They both needed the sleep and Cas looked like he wasn’t going to sleep any time soon after the events of the evening.

 

“Okay,” Dean agreed cautiously. “You call Agent Mills. And check in with Michael about Anna.” Dean glanced at his watch. “It’s after midnight.”

 

“They’ll be up.”

 

“I know. Just make sure you wake me up halfway, okay?”

 

Cas nodded and slid back to the passenger door. Dean got out on his side to get into the backseat and when Cas came around Dean caught him at the waist. Cas allowed a small smile to break the usual passivity on his face.

 

“Thank you,” Dean said, and Cas kissed him again, his tongue slowly working this time until Dean felt loose and calm and still. Cas broke apart, but held him close, his lips near Dean’s ear.

 

“I don’t think you understand yet what this is for me,” he whispered.

 

“Then tell me,” Dean said, but a jolt of nervousness worked through him as soon as the words escaped.

 

Cas huffed a little breath past Dean’s ear and Dean shivered. “I have waited for you,” Cas said. “Not in the soulmate way- in the “god I hope I’m not alone forever” way.”

 

Dean snickered against him as a reflex and regretted it instantly, but then Cas laughed too and kissed Dean’s temple. “I know it’s ridiculous, but after Amelia it was hard to try to even think there was someone. I thought she was the only one I could love.” He pulled back enough to look into Dean’s eyes and there it was again- every feeling moving through Dean reflected in Cas’s eyes. “You have me no matter what happens with medication or Anna or Crowley or anything.”

 

Dean dropped his head to Cas’s shoulder. “I told you before. I’m a mess you shouldn’t get too attached to.”

  
“Too late, “ Cas said as he reached for the rear door handle.


	13. Laundry

Cas woke him to tell him he was stopping to use the bathroom and get gas. Dean forced himself up, stiff from how cramped it was in the back seat but somewhat better rested than before. Four hours was better than none. He started filling the tank while he waited on Cas to come back out, and while he woke up a little more thoroughly in the early morning cold he realized it was morning but it wasn’t actually early.

 

Cas came back out with a smile on his face. “Your turn.”

 

“How long do we have ‘til we get to the girl’s place?”

 

“Uh… a couple hours.”

 

“You let me sleep too long, Cas. You gotta sleep too.”

 

Cas stepped into his space and Dean backed up into the Impala as his heart started to pound. A lazy grin spread on Cas’s face and Dean sighed into a slow kiss from him.

 

“Bathroom, okay?” Cas said. “You can drive when you get back.” He pecked Dean again and winked at him before he took over at the pump.

 

Cas was in the passenger seat when he got back, gas tank full and Dean took his place behind the wheel.

 

“In the back, man. Get some sleep.”

 

“I’ll sleep better up here by you.”

 

Dean looked at him curiously but started the car and Cas settled back into the corner formed by the seat and the door, arms crossed over his chest.

 

“When I talked to Agent Mills last night she had gotten in contact with the team that has Bobby, Ellen and Madison. They’re all safe.”

 

Dean’s eyes flicked to the rearview mirror then to Cas before he went back to the road. “So what happened to Sam?”

 

“Madison said an agent came in- a short woman with dark hair- and introduced herself as Agent Mills. Sam asked for ID and she seemed to have proper credentials. He went with her to “look over the information” and never came back.” Cas closed his eyes. “They’re working with a sketch artist and they’ll text it to us when it’s finished.”

 

“Good. Anna?”

 

“Um… she came out of surgery, but she’s in the ICU and hasn’t woken up yet as far as I know. Jimmy is going to let me know when something happens.”

 

“Okay. Go to sleep.”

 

“Uh, two more things. Agent Henriksen is going to meet us at Joanna Harvelle’s so we all go in together and she’s actually protected by more than the two of us.”

 

“Because they did such a bang up job protecting Sam,” Dean muttered. “What’s the other thing?”

 

Cas opened his eyes again and shifted to find a better spot. “Charlie called you while you were sleeping so I answered it. I wouldn’t normally answer someone else’s phone, but I saw it was Charlie-”

 

“It’s fine. What did she want?”

 

“She’s not happy that you left the hospital like that but she understands. She’s setting up a prescription for you at a pharmacy near Joanna Harvelle’s. We just have to pick it up there and you have to take it every night before bed.”

 

“Great. Sleep. Now.”

 

Cas puffed a little laugh and shook his head. “Wake me when we get there.”

 

***

 

Dean stopped at the pharmacy while Cas still snored. Charlie had texted him the address and everything, along with firm directions to take them every night and when he came back they’d recheck his blood to make sure the dosage was right. Dean hoped to never see Pontiac again. He stowed the pharmacy bag on the floor by Cas’s feet and drove on toward Joanna Harvelle’s place outside of town.

 

Cas looked a lot younger when he was sleeping. The general air of distrust he wore every single day was gone and for once he looked somewhat relaxed. Dean had started to think it was an absolutely impossible state for Cas to occupy. It was still strange but having a sense now of Cas’s general welfare was calming for Dean. Knowing Cas was well and sleeping next to him helped Dean to focus. If Cas felt the same, well- no wonder he had circles under his eyes if he’d been feeling all of Dean’s distress.

 

Dean’s phone rang and he fumbled to silence it before it woke Cas. “Hello?”

 

“This is Henricksen. We’re about two- maybe three hours out. Can you wait for us?”

 

“I guess. I don’t like leaving her alone any longer than we have to.”

 

“We have eyes on her. We’re just trying to get a whole team there at the same time.”

 

“Okay. Any word from Mills?”

 

“She should be sending whatever the sketch artist does as soon as she has it.”

 

“Okay. Call me again when you’re like 20 minutes out, okay?”

 

“Will do.”

 

Dean turned around and headed back toward town. There was a motel back there that might have laundry and even with all the chaos and death swirling around him he had to have clean clothes. A bed would be good too. Cas could maybe sleep an hour on a real bed before they got back on their way to fuck up some woman’s life. He left Cas in the car while he went in to rent a room.

 

“You have laundry facilities here?” Dean asked the guy who he assumed was supposed to actually be behind the counter, but was sitting in the little office back there with his feet up on the desk watching a little tv.

 

“Yup,” the guy said, eyes glued to the screen.

 

“Okay. I need two nights then,” Dean said.

 

“A queen?” the guy asked as he dislodged himself from his position with some difficulty.

 

Dean glanced out at Cas still sleeping in the Impala. “Yeah, that’ll work. Something close to the laundry room.”

 

The guy reached under the desk and came up with a key before asking for money and by the time he was giving directions to their room the bell above the door rang and Dean felt Cas before he saw him. Cas gripped his arm tight as they walked back to the car.

 

“Never do that again,” Cas demanded and Dean scoffed and shook him off.

 

“Get in the car, Cas.”

 

“Dean-”

 

Dean got in and slammed his door so that he couldn’t hear Cas anymore unless he also got in.

 

Cas practically threw himself into the passenger seat. “You were gone, Dean, and-”

 

“And you could see me from the window,” Dean said as he put his arm over the back of the seat and turned to look behind the car as he backed out. “I was just trying to get you a decent bed.”

 

Cas squinted at him and Dean groaned as he pulled the impala down to the far side of the motel.

 

“Don’t give me that look. Henriksen called and wants us to wait until his whole team is here in a couple hours. You lay down and I’ll do some laundry, okay?”

 

“I’m not really concerned about clean underwear right now,” Cas scowled and Dean rolled his eyes.

 

“Well, I am. I’ve got nothing clean in my bag.” Dean parked in front of the sign that pointed to the laundry. He looked down a few doors to find their room number. “There we are. Come on.” Dean got out and popped the trunk to grab his stuff and when Cas didn’t get out very quickly Dean rolled his eyes but grabbed Cas’s things too. He led the way to the room carrying both bags and Cas lagged behind. Dean dropped everything on the bed.

 

“Give me whatever you want me to wash and I’ll get it going so we can get it through the dryer and everything before we have to go.”

 

Cas didn’t say anything, just went to his bag and started rifling through, pulling items out seemingly at random. Dean watched him, anxiety nagging at his stomach the longer Cas went without saying anything.

 

“Look, I’m sorry, okay?” Dean shuffled back and forth on his feet. “I didn’t realize what it would do to you.”

 

Cas nodded an acknowledgement, but still kept mum, pulling out more things as he went through the bag.

 

“Cas, come on.” Dean could practically see separation growing between the two of them the longer Cas went silent, and suddenly the thought of being anywhere but in that very room with him was horrifying.

 

“I overreacted,” Cas said sullenly. “I’m not used to this bond thing yet.” He turned, clothing in hand, and went out the door without waiting to see if Dean was following. Dean did, though, and in the laundry room they were lucky to find two washing machines and two dryers.

 

“Toss your stuff in and I’ll get everything going. You go lay down and I’ll be there in a minute.” Dean passed Cas the key and went to work getting quarters for the machines and soap and everything. He genuinely hoped Cas would take him up on the offer to rest somewhere where he could actually stretch out, but when he went back to the room and Cas was actually doing that he was surprised.

 

Dean sat on the end of the bed and took his shoes off, leaving them next to Cas’s. He laid his jacket over the chair in the corner and sat next to Cas on the bed, careful not to touch where he wasn’t wanted.

 

“I’m sorry, okay?” Dean said. “I really just wanted to get you a place to sleep.”

 

“Okay.” Cas stared up at the ceiling, his face pinched together in his usual scowl.

 

Dean sighed. If Cas wasn’t going to volunteer to talk then he didn’t have to keep talking either. He got up and moved to the chair where he’d laid his jacket. He set a timer on his phone to coincide with the end of the wash cycle, then set about trying to get his attention to settle on anything but Cas. Think about Joanna, Sam, the hospital… But being in the same room with Cas proved too much. The invisible tie between them was stretched too tight. Dean looked down at his phone. Another fifteen minutes until the washing machines would be done and he could escape the claustrophobic feeling of the room where he was physically with Cas but wasn’t really allowed near him.

 

Cas rolled over onto his side away from Dean and that was it. That one last action of separation pushed him over. He grabbed his shoes and put them back on, roughly working the laces to get them back in place and grabbed his jacket.

 

“Getting the laundry,” he mumbled on his way out so Cas couldn’t accuse him of taking off again. He pulled his jacket on even though it would only be cold until he got to the little windowless laundry room. Dean slammed the door and parked himself in the chair next to one of the machines. Twelve minutes until they went into the dryer, but it was already easier to wait without Cas radiating his dissatisfaction from across the room.

 

It would be okay. It had to be. He had been holding the stress of it all at bay most of the time. It was easy when there was something to do- the drive there, the phone calls- every action gave purpose and focus, but now with this waiting he couldn’t keep it all tamped down. The old anxiety crept up and Dean hunched over like he could hold himself together if he made himself small enough. It worked sometimes if he squeezed until he left bruises and focused on his physical presence- the hard plastic of the chair cutting into his legs, the way the machine rattled next to him, the heat in the room in spite of the cold temperature outside. If he could hold himself in that place long enough all the stress and worry of the situation would settle in the cracks and he’d emerge calmer.

 

The door popped open and Dean looked up. Cas let the door fall closed but stayed there, leaning against the wall with sad eyes angled down.

 

“Are you okay?” He asked.

 

“Sure. Yeah. I’m just waiting to move the laundry over to the dryer. Go back and get some sleep.”

 

Cas squinted at him. “I can’t do that.”

 

“Christ, Cas- you just lay down and shut your fucking eyes.” Dean jumped off the seat like the friction between them had forced him up. He paced all eight feet of the far side of the room. “Just get some sleep.”

 

“I thought they took you too, you know.” Cas spoke low and hoarse and when Dean turned to him the pain of the situation shone clearly. “I’m sorry I got angry, but I- this whole thing with Anna and Sam and then-- you, Dean, I couldn’t- “ Cas came closer with every word, and dean stood fixed in place by the intensity of his blue eyes.

 

“I’m sorry,” Dean whispered as Cas closed the last space between them and kissed him, light and asking. Dean kissed him back, forcing entrance to Cas’s mouth in his desperation for connection. He needed Cas to stop him from cycling through his usual agenda of anxiety, fear, and guilt. Cas’s hands on him and their lips moving together was what he’d been searching for- something to hold him here instead of the place in his head where he so often lost himself.

 

Cas returned with the same passion and stepped them back until Dean’s shoulders and ass were pressed against the wall. Cas grabbed at him, pulling Dean’s hips roughly to meet his and Dean nipped at him in return. Cas groaned and plunged his tongue into Dean’s mouth again, like everything he needed in the entire world could be found there.

 

“Cas,” Dean whispered as Cas moved down his neck. He let his head fall back against the wall so Cas had full access to everything he needed and Cas puffed air against his skin when he took a second to breathe.

 

“Dean, is this-” Cas’s deep blues found him again and that same electric feeling pulsed between them. Dean could swear he smelled ozone.

 

“Yes. Please, Cas,” He pulled Cas’s mouth back to his and they traded back and forth, Dean pressing into Cas, Cas into Dean. The taste of him was so goddamn perfect and the feel, the way he knew how to move- Dean wanted him to go so much faster and at the same time never stray from the place they were in.

 

The buzzer went off on the washer and Cas looked around, forehead furrowed.

 

“We’re supposed to move the clothes,” Dean explained.

 

“Is that really what you want to do right now?” Cas asked against his skin as he hitched fingers under Dean’s shirt and then into the band of his jeans.

 

“Not especially.”

 

“Dean.” Cas said his name and everything around them seemed to slow. The only movement was Cas’s hand against the button on his jeans and the only sound was skin to skin and raspy breathing. The zipper, then pressure and Dean pressed himself against Cas’s hand. Cas pushed his hips back to the wall, a fierce look in his eye.

 

“Stay,” he said, and Dean determined not to leave that wall. Cas pushed Dean’s jeans down to his knees, and sank low, fingers tracing over the band of Dean’s boxers and down the legs. Dean breathed through the touch, his dick twitching with every close motion.

 

“God, Cas, please.” Dean begged and Cas grinned before he exposed him.

 

Just the feel of Cas’s mouth on him was nearly enough to bring Dean to the brink, but the push back he got from the line between them was intense. He panted through every lick and suck and when Cas took him all down Dean grabbed Cas’s hair in a tight fist as he cursed. Every sensation felt like an explosion, the emotions like fire eating at him and all Dean knew while Cas worked at him was that he was burning up. He screamed when he came and Cas pressed him back hard against the wall while he swallowed everything down.

 

Dean didn’t realize he was still holding Cas by the hair until Cas looked up at him and grinned. Cas put him back together- boxers, jeans- and then kissed him languidly. Dean accepted. There was still a pop in each touch, a little zing as their tongues slid over each other and Dean reached between them for Cas. He pressed against his bulge and dragged a finger down the outline of him. Cas’s breath caught as he broke their kiss..

 

“Laundry to the dryer, right?”

 

“That’s really what you want to do?” Dean mimicked Cas’s words from earlier as he undid Cas’s pants. Now that he didn’t have so much urgency coursing through his body he could do this right. Cas’s tongue came out as Dean closed a hand around his dick and Dean stroked him through his boxers several times just for the privilege of watching Cas’s jaw go a little looser and his tongue swipe over his lips.

 

“Am I allowed to move now?” Dean asked and Cas bit his lower lip as he nodded. Dean pushed Cas’s jeans and boxers down just enough to work and when he knelt he meant to take his time. But then the way Cas moaned when he took him in his mouth practically had him half hard again and any chance at patience got shot to hell. Cas leaned forward and Dean heard the smack of his hands hitting the wall. Dean worked up and down, humming along with the noises Cas made. A hand dropped into his hair, but where Dean had pulled almost uncontrollably, Cas directed him. Dean could hardly believe the amount of self-restraint the guy had, but then again it was Cas. Cas was order and control and focus from his very core. Dean moved faster then. He’d make Cas come apart just to see what that even looked like. Cas was already panting above him and that low sigh he let out every so often-

 

“Dean, I-”

 

He knew. Cas’s resolute stance went a little softer even though Dean could tell he was still fighting against the instinct to thrust along with Dean’s motions. Dean swallowed everything, rejoicing inwardly at the way Cas clutched at his hair.

 

Cas pulled him up roughly and kissed him back against the wall, licking into Dean’s mouth and then holding him still there.

 

Dean smirked when Cas let him free. “God- that was…”

 

“I know.” Cas said. “So different than…”

 

“Yeah.” Dean kissed him again. “I’m gonna get the clothes and then we go back to the room.”

 

Cas nodded, and looked down to take care of himself and his pants while Dean moved around him. He quickly shifted clothes from one machine to another and got everything started with the quarters he had set aside earlier.

 

“Ready?” He asked and offered a hand to Cas.

 

They went three doors down and the door hadn’t even closed when Dean kissed him again. He had to- going too long without significant touch was too painful, and the contact by hand wasn’t enough.

 

“Dean,” The squint was back and Cas pressed his hand to Dean’s forehead.

 

“Woah- hey, I’m fine, okay?”

 

“You’re burning up again.” Cas dragged him to the bed and forced him to sit. “I’m calling Charlie. Lay down, okay?”

 

“Nothing’s wrong- Cas, don’t you think maybe I’m just all heated up over what we were just doing?” Dean tried one of his sly half-smiles, but Cas didn’t buy it. He pointed at the bed.

 

“Lay down. We probably have to get your heart rate down again. Count beats or something.”

 

“Come on, Cas-” Dean protested, but Cas glared at him as he put his cell to his ear and Dean scooted back on the bed to give at least the idea that he might be cooperating.

 

“Hey, Charlie. I have a question. Dean has a fever again.” Cas stepped out of the room, leaving Dean to count. His heart was fast, but not like in the hospital. It didn’t feel out of control, it felt exhilarating. And if that was just the rush from a quick blowjob Dean was dying to know what it would be like to let Cas really fuck him.

 

His heart definitely went too fast then, and he forced deep breaths until Cas came back, purposing to keep his attention on the count until he could keep his body calm enough for Cas to believe he was okay. Henriksen would be calling soon and there would be serious work to do.

 

Cas slammed the door behind him when he came back in and Dean sat up. “What’s wrong?”

 

“I talked her out of sending you to the closest hospital so long as we can keep your heart rate down and get rid of the fever within a few hours. Charlie wants you to take the medication now and another tonight. We need to keep you calm. No more of this.” He gestured between the two of them, keeping his eyes averted.

 

“Are you fucking kidding me? She tells us we’re soulmates but we’re not supposed to actually fuck each other?”

 

“We’re not soulmates, Dean.” Cas said softly.

 

“Call it whatever the fuck you want, Cas. That’s basically what it is. She can’t tell us-” Dean trailed off at the way Cas’s face fell.

 

“Do you really think I’m going to risk your life for sex?”

 

“Overdramatic much?”

 

“That’s what she said, Dean.” Cas raised his eyes then and Dean had an almost visceral reaction to the sight. Sorrow, pain, fear, worry- everything Cas wanted to hide was in his eyes and the empathy Dean felt for him was overwhelming.

 

“I’m sorry,” he said, the fight deflated from him.

 

“If you give me your car keys I’ll go get your medicine.”

 

Dean dug in his pocket and handed them off. Cas was out and back in just a few moments and he brought a glass of water from the bathroom along with the bottle. He sat on the edge of the bed while he watched Dean take the pill and Dean grabbed his arm before he could get up.

 

“Stay with me,” Dean asked softly. “Just like the hospital yesterday. And this time with a bed that fits us both.”

 

Cas unleashed one corner of his mouth to allow the tiniest of smiles. “Okay.” He set the water on the nightstand and lay next to Dean. They both stared at the ceiling until Dean decided that someone had to make the situation okay and it was going to be him. He rolled to Cas and tucked himself against his side. Cas chuckled and moved his arm behind Dean’s body so that Dean’s head rested on Cas’s shoulder.

 

“See? Nice and calm,” Dean said.

  
“Right,” Cas said. And even though he said the right thing, Dean knew Cas didn’t believe it. Dean wasn’t sure he did either, and for the first time in a long time he began to worry for his own life.


	14. Build Me a Fortress

Joanna Harvelle’s house was on a county road about twenty minutes outside of the little town where Cas and Dean had found their room. At Cas’s insistence they loaded everything back into the Impala before driving out to her place. Henricksen met them at an empty crossroad about a mile from the house.

 

“I want you to let me talk to her first.” Henriksen said.

 

Dean shook his head. “No. You’re going to scare her with the whole fed thing.”

 

“I’m sure she’ll be fine. I’ll explain the whole situation.”

 

“Oh good,” Dean said. “Because I’d love a good solid explanation of the situation myself.”

 

Cas glared at Dean then flipped his gaze to Henriksen. “What’s the plan?”

 

“We’re staying at her place. There’s nowhere local for us to take her so we’re going to stay put. We have a med team in that car and an evac plan if she requires serious hospitalization.”

 

“Dean, would you go to the car?” Cas asked.

 

Dean scoffed, but then suddenly blue eyes settled on him, darker than normal. “Dean.” Fuck- that voice.

 

Dean shoved his hands in his pockets and stalked back to the Impala, leaning against the body until he saw Cas’s eyes again and decided not to fight that battle and got in. Cas was angry about something and he let Henriksen know it, tearing into him with words emphasized by direct, stark motions.

 

Dean’s phone chirped. A text from Mills- the picture they’d been waiting for. He opened it and stared into the eyes of a woman he’d known years ago. The nose wasn’t quite right and her hair was longer, but it was her.

 

Dean fumbled with the handle and stumbled out of the car in his haste. “Cas!” he called, and whatever he looked like made Cas and Henrikson both come running. He held out the phone to him and Cas looked at the drawing then to Henriksen.

 

“Do you know her?” Cas asked Dean.

 

“She was one of the girls at the facility with me. She was- she was dead, Cas. I saw her. They killed her.”

 

“Okay, okay.” Cas put a steadying hand on Dean’s back. He pocketed Dean’s phone and pulled him for a hug, pressing their cheeks together. “You’re still warm,” Cas whispered. “Try to-“

 

“I know,” Dean said and molded himself against Cas’s body. Every contact point was an extra step toward something resembling peace in his body.

 

“You call Mills back and tell her everything you know about her,” Henriksen said. “We’ll continue on to the Harvelle residence as soon as you let me know you’re ready.”

 

Dean nodded and reached for the driver’s side handle, but Cas blocked him. “I’ll drive. You need to-“

 

“I can drive my own fucking car!” Dean roared, but Cas held onto him.

 

“You’re shaking. You have a fever,” Cas said in that low whisper of his. “Please just do this for me, Dean.”

 

Dean wanted to resist. Everything in him rebelled against it because of the simple fact that someone was telling him what to do, but it was Cas. He was doing it for all the right reasons. Dean nodded, his mouth twitching as he tried not to cry. He let Cas walk him around to the other side and then when Cas got in he handed the phone back to Dean so he could dial Mills.

 

“Do you recognize her?” Mills asked without pretext.

 

“She was at the facility with me. Her name was Ruby.”

 

“Last name?”

 

“I don’t know, but I know she was dead. Alastair killed her when I… I didn’t obey.”

 

“I’m sorry about that, Dean.”

 

Dean rubbed at the creases in his forehead like it would ease the situation, but really he was just trying to remember what he could. “But, uh- she had a sister I think. I don’t know. I think she was from Georgia.”

 

“When did she die?”

 

“Maybe two months in?”

 

“I’ll start looking. Are you at Harvelle’s yet?”

 

“On our way.”

 

“Okay. Take care, Dean. Stay close to Cas and Henriksen, okay?”

 

Dean ended the call and stared out the windshield while Cas lowered the window and waved his arm out for Henriksen to see. The SUV’s red lights flashed as the vehicle started and then they were pulling down the road behind it and the other two in a sad line of black cars.

 

“Are you okay?” Cas settled a hand on Dean’s knee and Dean looked down at it.

 

“All she did was listen to me,” Dean whispered. “And he-“ His voice caught and no matter how he tried to swallow he couldn’t. His eyes went hot and then his cheeks were wet and he looked at Cas’s hand wondering for the millionth time why he was one of the lucky ones to make it out of that place alive.

 

“What was she like?” Cas asked.

 

“Angry. That’s probably the only reason why we got along, honestly.” Dean swiped at his face. “We both just wanted to get out of there.”

 

“Sounds like the right kind of person to have on your side.”

 

She had been too. She gave them as much hell as Dean did and they had a real chance at getting out.

 

“That’s why he did it. We were working together trying to figure out how to…” Dean trailed off thinking of passed scraps of paper and eye contact that held volumes of information. “He made me watch the injection. She just kind of convulsed and then… I don’t know. She stopped moving.“

 

He waited for the inevitable apology that everyone else gave but Cas remained quiet, studying Dean out of the corner of his eye.

 

“She didn’t die because of you, Dean. She died because Alastair killed her.”

 

Dean kept his eyes on Cas’s hand holding his knee and nodded, his eyes still glazed as he stared ahead out the window. “I can see why you’d say that, Cas, but I put the target on her back.” He leaned against the window, sinking into the corner there with his eyes closed. It had been a long time since he’d thought about Ruby.

 

Joanna Harvelle’s place was a beautiful two-story farmhouse if a little weather beaten. It stood half a mile off the road at the end of a winding gravel driveway and it was surrounded by fields- mostly corn from the looks of it.

 

A man came out on the porch before they stopped and he had a shotgun leaning on one shoulder.

“Who are you?” He called as they all started opening doors. Dean swiped at his eyes as he stood next to the Impala, preparing to meet the girl he was supposed to connect with and marry.

 

Henriksen stepped forward until the man adjusted the gun on his shoulder. He held up his hands to indicate that he was unarmed. “I’m Special Agent Henriksen with the FBI. Is Joanna Harvelle home?”

 

“She’s not speaking to anyone right now.”

 

“This is very important. Can I talk with her?”

 

“Do you not understand English?” The shotgun came down off his shoulder and into his hands, pointing lazily at Henriksen who held out his own empty hands.

 

“I just want to talk. What’s your name?”

 

“My name is Ash and you have about ten seconds to tell me why you’re on our property.”

 

“Ash, I’m Dean Winchester.” Dean stepped up next to Henriksen when he saw the recognition in Ash’s eyes. He was counting on that.

 

“Jo is already spoken for.”

 

“Me too, man. My- my boyfriend’s back there,” Dean pointed at Cas. “and we’re not really fond of this situation either. But there’s this health thing I have and it’ll affect Joanna if she doesn’t get treated.”

 

“Like what?”

 

“Have you heard of Lonely Heart Syndrome?”

 

“That’s only when you lose a soulmate.”

 

“Well whatever I have makes those symptoms come on fast and it can kill her. We have a medical team that can take care of her.”

 

Ash scratched his forehead and looked at all the people gathered on his front lawn. “Let me ask her.” He went inside and Dean looked at Henriksen.

 

“Looks like we can talk to her at least.”

 

“I don’t know,” Henriksen motioned to the door and Dean looked up to find Ash with his shotgun up and a young blond woman next to him with her own shotgun.

 

“Which one of you is Dean Winchester?”

 

Dean raised his hand and she aimed at him.

 

“Hey, now- woah!” Dean yelled. “I’m not here for anything but to help you.”

 

“Why the hell now? We are both too old to be generating soulmates.”

 

“Uh, well, I have this disease-“

 

“Yeah, Ash said that. I have never heard of such a thing.”

 

“Neither have my doctors but I can tell you a list of people that died because of me and this stupid thing.”

 

He watched Joanna swallow, but her face gave nothing away. If anything she seemed to grow more resolved.

 

“I don’t want anything except to make sure you don’t die,” Dean said. “We brought a medical team so you don’t even have to go to the hospital. You get an IV and then some medication to take for a while after that and then you’ll be fine. You’ll even lose my name.”

 

There was a long tense minute while she held her gun steady and then finally lowered it, Ash echoing her movements at her side. “Okay. Let’s get this over with then. You can come in.” She nodded toward Dean. “The doctor... that’s fine. No one else.”

 

“Ma’am-” Henriksen started and Dean almost laughed at the flicker of rage that crossed Joanna’s face at the misstep.

 

“You can stay the fuck out of my house,” Joanna said. she pointed at Dean again. “Let’s go.”

 

“Uh, can I bring my boyfriend?” Dean looked back at Cas who’s eyebrow quirked at use of the word. Dean shook him off with a silent ‘shut up’.

 

“Whatever,” Joanna said and went into the house. Ash stayed out on the porch supervising who was going in and Dean couldn’t help winking back at Henriksen, who threw his hands up in frustration.

 

The FBI had sent a doctor and two techs. The equipment took a bit of time to set up, but then the doctor smiled at all of them. “You need to sit somewhere you’ll be comfortable for awhile,” she said to Joanna then looked at Dean. “You too.”

 

“I’m doing fine,” Dean said, but then Cas was behind him practically in his ear.

 

“Let her check you out too,” Cas said.

 

The doctor handed Dean a thermometer. “Under your tongue, please.” Dean followed her directions and she smiled at him. “I’m Dr. Wilson. I’ve spoken with Dr. Bradbury and Dr. Barnes about your case and I’m planning to go along with their recommendations unless I see something that demands more immediate attention.”

 

The thermometer beeped. “Not bad, considering what it could be. Dr. Bradbury would prefer an IV and I think I would too.”

 

“I really feel fine. I’m breathing, keeping my heart rate down- all that.” Dean glanced at Cas.

 

“I’m sure Dean’s doctors mentioned his past history,” Cas said. “No IV if we keep an eye on him for now?” Cas asked.

 

The doctor frowned at them, and all Dean could think about was how the lady could improve her already amazing scowling technique by observing Cas. “You wear a monitor. Then I get to say later if an IV goes in, okay? No discussion.”

 

“If it gets bad enough, yeah.” Cas agreed for him and when Dean shot him a look Cas flat out ignored him. The doctor moved away to talk to one of the techs.

 

“So far, nothing like you’ve had before, right?” Cas asked. “Symptoms, I mean.”

 

“No.” Dean was more concerned about Joanna now. “Cas, it really felt different earlier. Like, when I had to go to the hospital before it was because it felt like my heart was trying to claw its way out of my chest. This time was like… I don’t know. It was thrilling or something.”

 

Cas snorted at that, his mouth curving with the one-sided smile Dean was starting to think was Cas’s version of the whole thing. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

 

Dean swore under his breath, partly because Cas turned it around on him like that, but more because he couldn’t help how bright his face was getting.

 

“Are you warm?” The doctor asked and Dean colored even deeper while the doc made him take another temp while Cas smirked in the background.

 

“So this messes you up too, huh?” Joanna asked. The tech already had her IV placed and she relaxed back on the couch next to Ash.

 

“Yeah, we’re trying to fix it.”

 

“What is it exactly?”

 

“Well, that’s complicated. I’m missing the hormone that tells amoramine to stop producing and I just keep generating names over and over. I’ll give you the information for the doctors that are working on the case and you can contact them. They’ll want to follow up with you to make sure you’re okay.”

 

“Well that really sucks for you.”

 

“Hopefully we get my hormone level evened out and I won’t generate any more names. I’m really sorry about all this.” Dean said. He was tired and the events of the day had left him raw. Cas gripped his shoulder and rubbed down his back. The touch did more for Dean than he cared to admit. The connection between them was soothing, yes, but also terrifying.

 

“So what’s with the FBI?” Ash asked.

 

“It’s complicated,” Dean muttered.

 

“You keep saying that instead of explaining.” Joanna said. “Tell me why the hell the FBI is here for a medical problem.”

 

Dean rubbed at his temples. It all sounded crazy, and there wasn’t really a way to make it anything but that. “There’s a guy that wants me to connect with you and marry you.” He saw Ash tense next to Joanna and he held up a hand. “Calm down. It’s not going to work.” He looked Joanna in the eye. “You feel any connection to me, Joanna?”

 

“No. And call me Jo. Only my mother calls me Joanna.”

 

“Okay, Jo. This guy is so committed to you and me getting together that he kidnapped my brother. He’s dangerous for both of us. Henriksen is here to protect you.”

 

Ash started laughing. “Do you know who you’re talking to?”

 

Dean and Cas’s confusion drew a smile out of Jo- the first they’d seen. “I can take care of myself,” she said.

 

“You don’t understand-” Cas started, but Ash leaned forward like he was sharing the greatest secret in the world.

 

“She’s a national shooting champion. I bet she’s better than any of those feds out there.”

 

“Ash,” Jo put a hand on his knee to stop him, but she was obviously proud. “I’m not worried about my safety, boys.”

 

“Listen. I have to call this guy and tell him you and I didn’t connect. I don’t know what he’ll do when I tell him. You have to let Henriksen secure the house in case they come after you here.”

 

Dr. Wilson came back with a bracelet for Dean. “Wear this. It will track your heart rate for me.”

 

“Thanks,” Dean said as he watched her put it on snug at the wrist.

 

“Keep it under-”

 

“100. I know. Magic number.” Dean sighed and Cas put an arm around him.

 

“Okay. Let the feds in,” Jo said. “You have a really fucked up life, Dean Winchester.”

 

Dean laughed at that. “You have no idea.”

 

“I’ll go talk to Henriksen.” Cas stood and gripped Dean’s shoulder before he left the room.

 

They were back less than a minute later, Cas sitting with Dean before Henriksen started talking.

 

“Any word yet from anyone? Crowley? Sam?”

 

“No,” Dean said. “And no connection here.” He wagged his finger back and forth between him and Jo. “So what do we do now?”

 

“Cas mentioned earlier that we need to tell Crowley about the connection you two have and see if that’s enough to get us some leverage to get Sam out of there.”

 

“Okay. Let’s do it then.”

 

“A word?” Cas said to Henriksen and the two made to leave, but Dean started talking.

 

“No, no, no, no, no. That’s not how this goes. You’re not my divorced mommy and daddy going out to have a grown up talk. You say it here, Cas, or you don’t say it at all.”

 

“I was going to tell Henriksen about what we discussed in the car.”

 

“So then say it here.”

 

Cas stared into him and the muscles and tendons in his neck worked like they were the sole reason Cas hadn’t lost his fucking mind on Dean. “I don’t know if you can talk to Crowley after everything from this morning,” he finally said, his voice even and flat.

 

“What the fuck are you trying to say?” It didn’t matter that Dean had kept his cool- the monitor beeped faster and Dean saw every eye in the room jump to him.

 

Cas sat next to him on the couch again. “I was talking about Ruby. You were… absent… in the car. I want to make sure you can do this.”

 

“It’s Sam, Cas. Of course I can do this. No one else can, right?”

 

Cas leaned into him. “Have you checked in with your father?” he whispered.

 

“He won’t call until he has something.” Dean glanced at Jo and Ash sitting together on the other side of the living room. “Let’s just do this, you know? The sooner we do the sooner we can plan a  next step.”

 

Cas looked up at Henriksen. “Let’s call.”

 

Dean pulled his cell out and dialled Sam.

 

“Is she everything you imagined?” Crowley asked.

 

Dean glanced at Jo. “She’s beautiful. But not my type.”

 

“I think I made the rules very clear, Dean.”

 

“I know, but, uh, I have a boyfriend, so...”

 

Dean wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting, but it wasn’t the sound of Crowley’s laughter.

 

“I’ll give that one to you, Mr. Winchester. I won’t even punish your brother for it since you made me laugh. But try again. No excuses this time.”

 

“I’m serious. I matched with a guy that isn’t on my chest.”

 

“I’m not sure why you insist on lying to me when you know I’ll take it out on your baby brother.”

 

“It’s true. You have to believe me.”

 

“Then bring him to me. I want to see for myself.”

 

“No.” Dean ignored Cas’s gestures contrary to his opinion.

 

“I’ll just let Sam know how you’ve made your choices, then.”

 

“We’ll do it,” Cas said loudly and Dean’s eyes bugged and the monitor raced.

 

“Not feeling well, Dean?” Crowley asked.

 

“What do you want?” Dean asked breathlessly. “Please don’t hurt Sam.

 

“You’re going to be retired shortly. Good luck.” Crowley said. The line went dead and Dean hung his head low.

 

“What does that mean?” Henriksen insisted.

 

“I think you’re probably okay, Jo,” Dean said. “He’ll take me next.”

 

“Dean,” Cas started, but Dean cut him off with a solemn smile.

 

“It’s done, Cas. We can’t change this.”

 

“Dean.” Cas demanded his attention with the way he said his name low and smooth. Dean met his eyes and Cas mirrored everything Dean felt aside from surrender.

 

“You and me, okay? We let them find us, we get to Sam.”

 

“If they find us they kill us, Cas. Don’t you get that?” The wall he’d erected against the steadily growing alarm in his gut broke down and Dean started to hyperventilate. The monitor beeped so rapidly that Cas took it off and tossed it on the floor. He pushed Dean down so his head was between his knees.

 

“Breath,” Cas said.

 

It didn’t help. Panic is panic and while Dean had learned several different ways to deal with his anxiety, the panic attacks were much much harder.

 

“Is he okay?” Henriksen asked.

 

“Just back off!” Cas barked.

 

“I’m calling Mills.” Henriksen said.

 

Dean’s head swam as he tried to put better images in his head. Being with Cas. Having dinner with Bobby and Ellen. Sam and Madison’s wedding. Anything to override memories of Alastair and his lab. _Ruby._

 

He felt a shift in the couch and then Cas was on his knees in front of him, speaking softly. “We’ll figure this out. I promised we’d get Sam back and we will, okay? You and me together, Dean. We can do this.”

 

Dean breathed. He fought, he pushed. Cas’s hand on his back helped and he focused there first. Then his feet on the ground, the feel of his hair in his hands, the way Cas seemed to radiate heat.

 

“Come back to me.” Cas said in that low voice and Dean looked up at him. Cas looked worn, tired, gaunt. But those eyes of his, piercing blue and filled with turmoil, were the steadying force he needed.

 

“What can we do?” Dean  asked, voice breaking.

 

“Let’s work on you first.” Cas gathered him close as Dean started to shake. He let Cas hold him like that for a long time- until his body calmed and it was just his brain going nuts. Cas moved up to the couch with him at some point and pressed Dean to his chest as they sat entwined. He let Cas run fingers through his hair and a hand up and down his arm. Cas pressed a kiss to his head every so often and stopped anyone who tried to speak to them. If Dean’s walls had been constructed to protect himself, Cas had built a fortress- exactly the thick buffer Dean needed from the world.

 

The light was growing dim when Dean sat up. Jo was done with the IV and she and Ash had moved over to the dining table at the other end of the long living room. No one else was with them, but the medical equipment was still there.

 

“We need to do something,” Dean said, his voice hoarse.

 

“Let’s start with your dad,” Cas suggested.

 

“He won’t-”

 

“I know you said he’d contact you, but I think you need to let him know that you’re in danger too.”

 

Dean shook his head. “He won’t care.”

 

“Maybe. But we have to try. I’m going to call Jimmy and see what’s going on there, okay?”

 

Dean nodded. Cas stood up and everything turned sideways. “Cas, don’t go!” He didn’t mean to sound so terrified, but it came out that way and Cas sat next to him immediately and put his arm back around him.

 

“Okay.” Cas sat next to him. “You go first with your dad.”

 

Dean pulled his phone out. He was tempted to just text, but he knew his father absolutely wouldn’t text back. He pressed the button to dial and put the phone to his ear. It rang twice and then moved to John’s voicemail.

 

“Dad, I need you to call me. The guys that took Sam are coming after me now, so... Um, I thought you should know that.” He ended the call and stared at his phone for a bit. “He’s not going to call back, Cas.”

 

“He will,” Cas said as he dialled his brother. He frowned as it also went to voicemail. “Hey Jimmy. Just calling to get an update on Anna. Call me when you get this. I’m gonna call Michael too.” He hung up and dialled again- Michael this time.

 

“Cas. How are you?”

 

“Okay, I guess. Trying to keep everyone safe. How’s Anna?”

 

“She woke up awhile ago. Not for long, but long enough for us to ask if she remembered anything. She said it was the woman that just got transferred from another station.”

 

“Do you have a picture or anything?”

 

“I can have Zachariah send one.”

 

“Please do. Dean was able to ID the girl that took his brother from the sketch artist drawing, so it’s worth having him look at this one too.”

 

“I’ll let him know.”

 

“Hey- is Jimmy there?”

 

“No. He went home late last night to get some sleep.”

 

“Hmmm.” Cas frowned. “Okay. I’ll call him again a little later.”

 

“Maybe he’s still sleeping. It was like 2 am when he left.”

 

“Okay,” Cas said. He looked up when Henriksen came back in the room and spoke quietly to Dr. Wilson. “Let me know if anything changes with her, okay? It looks like the guy is coming after Dean now.”

 

“Shit. What are you guys doing about it?”

 

“No plan yet, but we have FBI with us.”

 

“Good. Be safe, okay?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Cas hung up as Henriksen and Dr. Wilson walked over. “Dean, I’d like to put the monitor back on.”

 

Dean nodded his agreement and she replaced the band, punching a few buttons. “I turned the volume down for now since it was bothering you. I also spoke with Dr. Bradbury,” Dr. Wilson said. “She’d like me to give you an injection that will help the production of the hormone you’re missing so we can get a more aggressive handle on it.”

 

Dean and Cas started to protest, but Henriksen cut them off. “I can’t have you in the middle of a medical crisis if something happens here. Dr. Bradbury says this is the best course of action.”

 

Dean glanced at Cas.

 

“Up to you, Dean.”

 

“I don’t want to.”

 

“Come on, Winchester. It’s one shot,” Henriksen said.

 

“You don’t know-” Dean choked on his words as his anxiety rose. “I mean-”

 

“The answer is no,” Cas said, more firmly this time.

 

Henriksen’s face clenched in anger. “I can’t have him having a wacky freak out if they try to take him out here!”

 

Cas jumped to his feet. “And I will kick your ass if you don’t get the fuck out of here right now!”

 

Henriksen tried to stare him down, but Cas’s intense stare would melt any man’s resolve and eventually Henriksen shook his head. “You’re going to get him killed. And maybe the rest of us too,” he said before he stomped out of the room.

 

“He’s such a nice man,” Jo said wryly.

 

Cas sank back into the couch, but kept his skeptical eyes on Dr. Wilson who had retreated to her corner with the two medical techs. “Dr. Wilson, I apologize, but Dean’s history is complicated.”

 

“I just want to do what’s best,” Dr. Wilson said, her voice icy but professional.

 

Dean leaned into Cas again. “Thank you,” he said. “Can we get out of here?”

 

“And leave Jo?”

 

“You don’t think she’s safe with FBI all around here?”

 

“I don’t know, Dean.”

 

“Just food, you know? Then we can drive back if you want. I need to get out of here.”

 

Cas looked him over, and his face softened, eyes first, then the clench of his jaw disappeared too. “Okay.” He stood up and Dean stood with him.

 

“We’ll be back later,” Dean said to Jo. “Sorry about all this.”

 

“Thanks for saving my life, I guess.”

 

Dean tried to smile for her like he’d done something good instead of bringing death into her house. “I’ll be back, okay?”

 

Cas took him by the hand and led him to the front door.

 

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” Henriksen demanded.

 

“Out.”

 

“Nope- no way. You’re in my custody and you stay here.”

 

“No one has custody of me but me.” Dean spat back and followed Cas out.

 

“Dean Winchester-” Henriksen started, but Dean raised a middle finger over his head as he followed Cas out to the Impala. He didn’t even argue when Cas put him in the passenger side. Cas turned the key in the ignition and looked back at the house before he turned the car around in the grass and started down the long gravel driveway.

 

“Food and then come back?”

 

“Yeah. Henriksen is probably shitting himself right now.”

 

“He’s kind of an asshole.”

 

Dean leaned against the door and went quiet. He watched Cas drive and caught Cas try to look at him without making it too obvious, but after a few minutes Dean couldn’t take it anymore.

 

“I’m fine, Cas.”

 

“You’re not. I can feel how- I don’t know. It’s like rage and sadness and guilt and-”

 

“Shut up, okay?” Dean said it gently, but Cas pursed his lips and squinted out on the road like he was trying to see something far off. There was nothing for miles- they already knew that, but Cas was looking down the road like any second the town would emerge and the lone McDonald’s would be their saving grace.

 

It was Sam. Sam was the part that made no sense. They couldn’t use him for anything but motivation to get Dean to comply, but he’d already broken that part of the deal and now-

 

“He’s going to kill Sam.” Dean could only whisper it, but he felt like he had to say it out loud. “Cas, I think-”

 

“I heard you.”

 

“Am I right?”

 

Cas’s eyes darted back and forth across the windshield before he answered. “I don’t know.”

 

“How are we supposed to find him?”

 

“Call your dad again, okay? Put it on speaker this time and if he doesn’t answer I’ll leave him a message he’ll have to answer.”

 

Dean nodded slowly and pulled his dad up in his contacts list. It rang twice and then John’s voice spread through the car.

 

“I need to know how you know these men.”

 

“Hello to you too, Dad.”

 

“Dean! I need to know!”

 

“After mom… when I was gone I…. I was kept in an experimental lab for awhile. All the names I gave you were people involved there.”

 

“What do they want with you now?”

 

“I don’t really know. They wanted me to find this girl Jo and connect with her and marry her to get Sam back home, but I don’t know why.”

 

“Did you do it?”

 

“I can’t, Dad. My body doesn’t connect right. I have this medical thing that messed me up and I’ve had a bunch of matches in the last few years. I don’t connect with anyone, I just keep getting matches.”

 

Dean looked up at Cas as he pulled in a deep breath and waited for his dad to say something. The silence stretched long enough that Dean felt compelled to ask if his father was still on the line.

 

“You have a stutter?” John asked.

 

“Uh, something like that, yeah.”

 

“What does that mean?”

 

“I get a name and when it disappears I get a new one. My doctor said a stutter means the same name comes back after it disappears for awhile.”

 

Silence again and Dean scooted closer to Cas. Cas ran a hand over Dean’s leg, settling at the knee.

 

“Was there a doctor there that spoke kind of slow? Little bit of a lisp? Long face?”

 

Dean swallowed. “Yeah. Dr. Alastair.”

 

“Son of a bitch. Dean, you need to lay low. Do you have cash?”

 

“Uh, yeah.”

 

“Listen. You need to go southeast. Mississippi, Alabama- something- and you get a motel and you stay there until I call you again. You don’t leave for anything. You stay out of this, okay?”

 

“But Sam-”

 

“I’ll get Sam. You stay as far away from this as you can. Don’t call anyone, don’t talk to anyone, not even anyone you think is your friend. Don’t answer even if it’s Sam’s number.”

 

“O-okay.” Dean could barely get it out with the swell in his throat. Tears collected in his eyes, leaving them shimmering as he tried his best not to let them spill.

 

“Get out now, Dean. I’ll tell you when it’s over.”

 

“Can you tell me what the hell you know that I don’t?” Dean’s voice shook and Cas squeezed his leg.

 

“Your mother had a stutter like that. She had my name first and we got married and… then it was another name for a bit and then flipped back to me and…. anyway. She saw a doctor for the problem and it was that guy-”

 

“Alastair.” Dean started to shake as he realized what his father was saying.

 

“You run, Dean. I’ll get Sammy back. Get a new phone on the way, toss the one you have. Text me from the new number and be careful.”

 

John hung up and Dean sat holding the phone and just trying to breath.

 

“Cas… do you think Alastair killed my mom? He made some of my matches look like suicides, right? Do you think-”

 

“We don’t know that, Dean.”

 

Dean swallowed and breathed and tried to do what he was supposed to to keep everything together, but there was too much.

 

“Turn off your phone. Well pick up another one soon like he said.”

 

“Cas, we can’t just leave Jo like this.”

 

“I think we have to.”

 

“So there can be another murder I’m responsible for?” Dean’s voice rose as he spoke. “I can’t do that, Cas! It’s already too much and-”

 

“Dean, stop. Please.”

 

“I can’t!” Dean squeezed his head in his hands and bent double in the front seat.

 

“Dean, please! Please breathe!”

 

He could hear Cas, but it was like he was far away and blurred. The only other sound was his own breath heaving in and out of his chest as his mind raced past Sam and his mother and Ruby and Anna and Aaron and…

 

His car door opened and Cas pulled his knees to face the outside, set his feet on the pavement and knelt there, his hands on Dean’s shoulders.

 

“Dean, just breathe. It will be over soon.”

 

Dean shook off the words. They felt like betrayal to Sam, to his mother. She was practically there with him in that moment, the way she had looked at him when he graduated from college and held him close and-

 

“Dean. Be here with me.”

 

Cas’s voice served as a path back. His feet pushed against pavement, Cas’s hands tightened on his shoulders, cold air blew over him.

 

“Cas,” He shook his head. “I don’t think I can do this. You were right earlier. I’m not strong enough for any of this.”

 

Cas grabbed Dean’s face in his hands and tilted him until their eyes met. “I have never been more wrong about anything, Dean. You are one of the strongest, bravest people I’ve ever known. Don’t think differently. I was wrong.”  
  


Cas kissed him and Dean didn’t respond back.

 

“Cas… you should go away from me.”

 

“You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

 

“I can’t lose you too.” Dean whispered, his chest was still struggling to pull in enough air.

 

“Then I won’t let go of you,” Cas answered back and kissed him again.

  
Dean felt the desperation there and leaned into him. Cas didn’t deserve any of this and yet there he was- smack in the middle with Dean. Dean clung to Cas’s shirt and rested his head on his shoulder. “I’m sorry,” he said, and he hoped that was enough.


	15. Hinge on a Word

Dean rode back with his head leaning against the car door, bouncing with every dip and bend of the road. Cas kept doing that thing where he checked him out of the corner of his eye, but Dean didn’t have the spirit in him to bitch back about it. Of course Cas was checking on him. Everything had been raining down on them all fucking day and he’d melted into panic attacks when the pressure was on instead of being the hero everyone needed here.

 

Of course, Cas didn’t say anything. The invisible connection between them hummed along but wasn’t well and they both knew it. Cas had implied that he could feel Dean’s side of things now too and if there was any positive side to that revelation it was that it seemed that they truly were matched. It tasted like ashes though; Dean yearned for the time before they knew what their feelings meant so they could have walked away before Cas became his escort to certain death.

 

Time seemed to sag and speed in places once they pulled into Harvelle’s farmhouse. The walk from the car to the house took an hour, the time to get him into the living room and under inspection of the doctor took 30 seconds and even shorter still the time from her diagnosis to the time she was prepping Dean for meds that he’d agreed to just because Cas had said he should have them.

 

They gave him the injection Charlie had recommended for the hormone thing and something else to help him stay calm. He didn’t even know what the second one was but he grabbed it and threw it back with a glass of water to chase after. Cas talked him through the injection but Dean couldn’t recall any of the words. All he knew was that Sam and Jo and Cas were going to die because of their connection to him, and then he would be gone as well- probably after Alastair forced him to watch them suffer. All that time he’d spent trying to want life and now that he wanted it everything was going to be taken from him. The facts circled his brain, until he felt pleasantly warm and over several minutes the worry he’d held so tight slipped away. He lay flat on his back on the couch, his feet up and over the arm.

 

“But if we stay are we basically giving Dean to them?” Cas’s voice, deep and warm.

 

“Where are we going to go?” Henriksen’s biting words were easy to detect through Dean’s fog.

 

Cas said something back and they went away until Dean called for Cas.

 

“Can I have paper?”

 

“Yes. Why?” Cas looked concerned and Dean almost laughed at him. He was always so solemn, even when he needn’t be.

 

“For Bobby and Ellen,” Dean said, rapidly sobering himself. “So they know I didn’t mean this.”

 

“Dean, they know that already.”

 

“No. None of us told them what happened and I want them to know that I didn’t fuck it all up on purpose.” Dean felt tears run from the corners of his eyes down his temples and into his hairline, but there was no reason to care so much now.

 

“Dean,” Cas said in that low centering voice. “Please rest.” He wiped gently at the tear trails and then kissed him lightly. “I’m working with Henriksen to get us somewhere safer than this. I’ll come back soon.”

 

Dean watched him go into the dining room where Henriksen and his people were setting up plans and making calls and his gaze swung back to Jo and Ash still sitting together on the couch. Her IV was out now, but one of the agents had restricted them to the living room for now. It was easier to keep everyone safer if they were all together and Jo had only complained a little about being cooped up in her own damn house.

 

“Hey, Jo.” He called, and as soon as she looked over he swung his eyes up to the ceiling. “I’m sorry about all this.”

 

“Don’t even.” She said. “I may have gotten the short end of the stick, but it’s nothing compared to what you have.”

 

“What’s that?”

 

She looked at him, her eyes narrowing slightly but more from pity than scrutiny. “Sounds an awful lot like a stick of dynamite in your hand.”

 

Dean laughed, probably too loud and too long, but he felt better after. “That is exactly what it feels like, Jo.”

 

Dr. Wilson leaned into his line of sight. “How are you feeling?”

 

He grinned obnoxiously at her. “A little fuzzy.”

 

“Calmer?”

 

“Sure.” Dean said as she turned his arm a little to read the wrist band tracking his heart rate and smiled at it. She marked something on her little chart..

 

“You’re doing a much better job keeping your heart rate down.”

 

“Well, it helps when you don’t care anymore.”

 

“I’m just glad you decided to follow Dr. Bradbury’s orders. He’s an excellent doctor.”

 

Dean’s brain halted on her words and he went back to parse the sentence, sure he’d misheard. “Yeah. I really like him,” he said. She’d correct him and they’d move on… but Dr. Wilson smiled at Dean and patted his shoulder.

 

“Good. It’s important to have doctors you trust. I’m going to go check Jo, okay? Let me know if you need anything.”

 

Dean kept his eyes on her as he swung his legs off the arm of the couch so he could sit up. It took a moment to find his equilibrium, but then he was up and off to the dining room. He peeked around the corner, and Cas noticed him first.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“Can I talk to you?”

 

“Of course.” Cas glanced at Henriksen on his way past, but Henriksen’s mild annoyance wasn’t going to stop him.

 

Dean pulled him to the corner of the living room farthest from everyone and pulled Cas into a hug, resting his face toward Cas’s neck.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“Dr. Wilson called Charlie a he.” Dean said softly against Cas’s neck.

 

He felt Cas’s neck move against his forehead, but he didn’t say anything for a long minute until he took a deep breath in. “Are you sure?”

 

“Positive. I referred to her as male and our fine doctor didn’t correct me,” Dean said. He felt Cas tense under his arms.

 

“Henriksen is dragging his feet on some really simple things.” Cas suddenly ducked his head like they were having a very intimate conversation.

 

“Everything okay?” Dr. Wilson asked.

 

“He’s just, you know, needs more physical comfort than I’ve been giving him,” Cas said, and Dean was glad his face was mostly hidden from her sight.

 

“Are you okay, Dean?” She asked.

 

“I am now,” Dean said against Cas’s neck.

 

“Okay,” she said and Dean knew she was gone by the way Cas’ stance changed.

 

“Need more physical comfort?” Dean hissed.

 

“It worked didn’t it?” Cas said. “We should have listened to your dad.”

 

“No. Jo and Ash aren’t dying here because we ran.” Dean’s voice grew hot and Cas shushed him.

 

“There’s a back door in the kitchen right?”

 

Dean glanced at the agents around the room. “They’re not letting us out of this room on our own. They escorted Ash to the fucking bathroom a minute ago.”

 

“They have to let us eat, right?” Cas said. “Maybe we can get them to let us use the kitchen. Are you still foggy?”

 

“I mean, it’s wearing off, but yeah.” Dean lifted his head and glanced at the couple on the couch. “What do you wanna bet Jo can kick some ass?”

 

“Text Charlie and see if you can get a quick answer to confirm the mistake. I’ll get Doctor Wilson to come with me while you talk to Jo and Ash.” Cas separated like they were done, but Dean pulled him back by the arm. “What?”

 

Cas stared at him with those blue eyes that had been so intimidating and enraging at first, but now looked on him warmly. “I’m sorry, Cas. I’ve been… I don’t know…”

 

“Doing what I asked and staying down.”

 

“I was going to go with ‘wallowing’.”

 

“If anyone is allowed-”

 

“No, Cas, don’t make excuses.” Dean said. “I can’t give up, or you and them and Sam…”

 

Cas cupped his face and smiled. “You didn’t give up. You just didn’t see a way out yet.”

 

“Stop it,” Dean mumbled as Cas slung his arm around him and they walked back to where Jo and Ash sat.

 

“Hey, Jo.” Cas said. “Dean is kind of worried about you. Can he talk to you about your medication and care stuff for after this is all over?”

 

Jo looked at them both like they were a little crazy, but she agreed. “Okay if that helps you, Dean.”

 

Dean sat down next to her and fished his phone out of his jacket pocket. He texted Charlie first: You ever hear of a Dr. Ava Wilson with the FBI?

 

He kept a quick eye on Cas as he did his work gathering the two techs and the doctor together in what looked like a conspiracy, but with the way one of the techs glanced at Dean he must have been doing a great job of pouring on how desperate Dean’s situation was. Dean texted his father while he waited for Cas to get everyone out of the room to talk to Henriksen. As they walked away Deanleaned to Jo and Ash.

 

“There’s a problem,” he whispered. “We have to get you two out of here.”

 

“What?”

 

“I don’t think the doctor is actually FBI. We need to go. Now. Do you have a vehicle behind the house we can use to get out of here?”

 

Jo glanced at the doctor across the room and back at Dean. “Are you for real or are you high or low or whatever on those pills she gave you?”

 

“It’s not just me. Cas suspects one of the agents.”

 

Jo considered before she spoke. “My truck is out back. But they aren’t even letting us leave the room.”

 

“We ask to make dinner. They send probably two agents with us right? Since I’m in poor health and you’re a girl.”

 

Jo started to snap back, but Dean quieted her with a gentle shake of his head. “Use what they assume about you to your advantage. They don’t understand that this is just a bad day for me and I’m assuming you’re good in a fight?”

 

Jo’s eyes flashed. “What do you think?”

 

“I’m guessing you’re both handy to have around.”

 

“Yeah, but she’s better,” Ash said as he patted her thigh. Jo rolled her eyes at him, but Dean could tell she thought the same.

 

“I figured,” Dean said. “I am a little out of it to be honest, but Cas’ll take one of them down and as soon as you two can get the other guy down we haul ass out to your truck. Keys?”

 

“In the kitchen.” Jo smiled back. “Okay. We can do this.”

 

Dr. Wilson started walking back their way, the techs following behind.

 

“That sounds like a giant pain in the ass, Winchester.” Jo put on her best “you’re an asshole” look, and damn did she have it perfected.

 

“Well the meds are better than dying.”

 

“He’s right,” Dr. Wilson said as she came close. “And you have to stay on schedule too.”

 

“Okay, okay. Sheesh,” Jo said. “Hey- can I make some food? I’m starving.

 

“Oh, yeah- me too?” Dean asked.

 

“Um…” Dr. Wilson glanced at the wall clock then to the dining room. “Let me talk to agent Henriksen.” She walked away and passed Cas on his way back to the living room.

 

“She’s asking Henriksen about food now,” Dean said quietly as he stood. Jo and Ash exchanged a look on the couch and she nodded to him as he laced their fingers together.

 

Dean put an arm around Cas. “We’re ready.”

 

“Grab the meds from the pharmacy,” Cas said. “You’ll need them on the road.”

 

Dean patted his jacket pocket. “Already have them.” He went back to the place he’d claimed on the other couch. This had to work, and if it didn’t… Dean pushed the thought aside. There wasn’t time for that now. All the ‘what ifs’ would permeate his head and the only room he could give it until it was over was the desired outcome: the four of them packed into Jo’s truck racing off into the night.

 

Dr. Wilson came back in followed by two agents. “Make something quick and we’ll get you all settled back in here to eat.”

 

Cas made a show of helping Dean into the kitchen and seating him at the small table in the corner while Jo went to the pantry to dig around for food.

 

“Sandwiches, boys? I think I have some things in the fridge we can use.”

 

“Sounds good,” Cas said and Ash went to the refrigerator One of the agents stood by the door out to the living room and the other guarded the back door, his eyes mostly focused out the window.

 

Dean’s phone buzzed in his pocket and he checked it under the table, sliding it over into Cas’s view after he was done.

 

Charlie: Not that I know of. Will she be contacting me?

 

“You think Mills...?” Dean asked as low as he could. She was the one who knew the case most intimately. It twisted something inside him to consider it, but there was no saying who was involved at this point.

 

Cas glanced from agent to agent. “No idea.”

 

Jo emerged from the pantry with a loaf of bread and smiled at Cas, her eyes darting to the agent by the outside door. He nodded slightly and she came over with the bread while Ash brought out cheese and deli meat to the table. Jo looked pointedly at Dean then over to the car keys in a little basket on the counter next to where he sat and he said, “Thanks, Jo.”

 

“Oh- plates.” She said. “And chips maybe? Ash you want to grab the chips out of the pantry and Cas, the plates are just up there.” She pointed to the cabinet next to the agent guarding the door to the living room.

 

It was happening fast, and Dean tensed as everyone started moving to their “assigned” places Dean jumped up and grabbed the keys when Cas landed the first punch. By the time he reached the door Ash and Jo were already out running and both of the agents were on the floor, shouts coming from the other room as the scuffle had been heard. Cas was waiting on Dean and he pushed Dean out the door ahead of him. Dean kept his eyes on Ash at the front of the line as he struggled to run in spite of his sluggish system. He had the keys after all and he had to get them to Ash or Jo if they had any chance of getting away.

 

Ash had nearly reached the barn door when there was a crack and his body jerked to the side then fell. Jo screamed but a second later she was felled too. Dean threw himself to the ground and looked back frantically to Cas.

 

He screamed for him, but he couldn’t see him at all from that angle. Dean pushed himself up and ran back toward the house. He was dead anyway- the least he could do was go down knowing for sure what had happened to Cas. He caught sight of him laying face up on the ground several yards away, but something hit Dean from the side like a train and he was in the grass again on his stomach, this time with stars dancing from the impact. He craned his head toward Cas and all he could see was the outline of Cas’s face above the dead winter grass and someone standing over him. She looked toward Dean and smiled with lips he knew well, long dark hair framing her face. Dean’s breath froze in his chest before it could escape into the frigid night air.

 

Dean tried to force words out of the jumble in his brain, but someone roughly flipped him over onto his back. His arms were bound behind him- when had that happened?- and the person standing over him was too hard to see in the dark until he knelt next to Dean and grabbed him by the hair. Dean grunted as he was forced to look into his face, but every ounce of fight in him escalated  when he realized it was the man from California whose name he’d never known. He kicked and wrestled until it took three of them to hold him down so the man could breathe sour into his face.

 

“Dean Winchester,” he said with a smile. “I always hoped to have you back in my hands again someday.” He knocked Dean’s head back against the frozen ground hard enough that he didn’t realize he was upright until they were on the back steps of Jo’s house.

 

They dragged him past the two agents that lay on the floor of the kitchen where Cas, Dean, Jo and Ash had left them to make their escape, and into the living room where Dr. Wilson and her techs were waiting for him. She smiled brightly at Dean and welcomed him back.

 

“Fuck you,” he shot back. “Henriksen! You son of a bitch- you come out and face me!”

 

The man who had last beaten Dean over eight years prior faced him and winked. His body was still lean and firm, but it was the eyes that gave away the extra years with all the yellow packed in the whites around the hazel iris. “Henriksen would love to see you, Dean.”

 

Dean wasn’t able to fully get his feet under him while they dragged him to the doorway leading into the dining room-turned-command center, but the sight there made his knees even weaker. Five agents on the ground, all dead with Henricksen splayed on the floor with his weapon drawn in a lifeless hand. There was no mistaking what the bullet hole in the forehead and the eyelids at half-mast meant.

 

“I want Cas,” Dean begged. He reached inwardly for the soulmate tether that held them in line together, but he came up without a link. He grasped for any connection anywhere and a sob erupted from his chest when he realized it was gone.  

 

“Castiel Novak. Now that was a surprise for all of us.” The yellow-eyed man hunched enough so their eyes met and Dean winced at the familiar connection. “Of course, you have always kept us on our toes, golden boy.”

 

“Is he dead?”

 

“No. You just worry about getting comfortable and I’ll take care of your man. Our doc here has some of the best cocktails available.” He nodded to the men holding Dean and they took him back to the couch where he had spent most of the afternoon and early evening already. Dr. Wilson was ready with a syringe as they laid him out and Dean let them. While she worked he took all the energy his body wanted to pour into panic and grief and focused it instead on the exits, counting people in the room, and taking stock of what could be used as a weapon. Cold spread through him as the liquid moved through his veins and he was heavier in an instant.

 

“I’ll need his other arms untied before I can give the next series and take blood,” Dr. Wilson said.

 

“No blood,” Dean meant to say more, but those few words came out elongated and modulating. He tried to struggle and then told his muscles again, but all the effort he could muster resulted in some twitching in his fingers.

 

“Hey.” The yellow-eyed man leaned over him, a wicked grin across his face. “Your boyfriend’s here.”

 

One man held Cas under the arms and another carried him at the knees. They laid him out on the floor and Cas’s head rolled toward Dean, eyes staring. Dean’s chest heaved with ugly cries until Cas blinked slow.

 

“Cas…” Dean forced out between gasps.

 

Cas’s lips worked some but there was no sound. Tears leaked out of the corner of his eye as he kept that goddamn beautiful stare on Dean.

 

“Don’t worry, baby,” Dean said. He wanted to say he’d save him, everything would be okay, but he saw no way out of there and he couldn’t lie to Cas like that.

 

“And I think you know one of my daughters,” The yellow-eyed man said again with a wink just before Meg cleared Dean’s vision.

 

Dean closed his eyes rather than look at her and the betrayal written all over her.

 

“Nice to see you again, Dean.”

 

“Not you…”

 

“This is a difficult way to find out that I didn’t sleep with you for your good looks.” Meg smiled at him, her eyes shining with the same sinister gleam as her father. “But I had orders to keep close tabs on your name generation and that wasn’t really happening at work so we had to get a little more personal. Nice choice with the boyfriend by the way. I could really do a lot with him.”

 

“Fucking bitch,” he had to grit it out against the meds but it was worth every syllable, even when the yellow-eyed man struck him hard across the face.

 

“Now, now.” He said, laying gentle hands on his daughter and urging her back. He leaned back over Dean. “If you can’t control your tongue I’ll just beat the shit out of you. The boss just needs blood and DNA this time and then you’re retired. To me.”

 

Meg knelt next to Cas, one eyebrow quirking up as she watched for a reaction out of Dean. She laid a hand on Cas’s chest and brushed down his t-shirt covered sternum then back up to brush a finger over his stilled lips. Dean kept his screams internal.

 

“Alastair is coming here?” Dean asked quietly when he’d gathered himself.

 

“For one last experiment, featuring you and a few special guests.”

 

“Cas.”

 

“And the girl outside and someone else.”

 

“Sam,” Dean choked out.

 

“The brother, right?”

 

Dean swallowed. “Yes,” he said through gritted teeth. “Are Jo and Ash alive?”

 

“Oh the girl? Of course. Alastair needs her.”

 

“Ash?”

 

“That was a shoot to kill. Tranquilizers for the rest of you.”

 

That was the last little push Dean needed to start spiralling. He grabbed for anything in his head to keep him focused- they all needed him. He was the only one who could possibly make anything happen here. He had to keep it together. Two men came in carrying Jo and laid her out near Cas. She also seemed to be awake, but generally unaware. Dean looked at her, then met Cas’s eyes again. “I’m sorry, Cas.”

 

Cas closed his eyes slow and deliberate then opened them back, that blue speaking to Dean again like it had been for days.

 

There was noise outside and yellow-eyes smiled at Dean, one corner of his mouth sliding up in a way that sent a shiver down Dean’s spine. He’d seen it before, just before the bloody parts of their previous time together.

  
“Looks like the boss is here. Enjoy every minute with him, but not too much.” He pressed his palm against Dean’s chest. “Save some for me.”


	16. Cry a Little for Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note the new tag for blood.

Dean kept his eyes on Cas while everything around them moved. Chairs shuffled, a table moved in, and lots of talking over them, but nothing really mattered besides Cas who lay there so still. His blue eyes never wandered from Dean either, but they had changed. The link that had held them together was gone. Because of the tranquilizer? The blow to the head that left Dean’s vision skewed?

 

They moved the long dining room table into the living room where there was more room to work  and they lifted Cas up there. His arms fell limp at his sides and as they tucked him up on the table Dean had had enough.

 

“Don’t you fucking touch him!” Dean growled but no one even looked at him while they made the room ready for Alastair. It wasn’t until Dean saw them bringing a tray of tools to rest on a small stand next to Cas’s head that Dean started to struggle, willing his nearly paralyzed muscles to act.

 

“No, no, no, no, no,” he blubbered. His hand moved some and he was able to lift his head slightly. “Cas, I’m right here. We’ll be okay.”

 

A loud laugh shook him and he heard familiar footsteps that made every nerve in his body react with fear.

 

“Do you believe that, Dean?” Alastair came in view then, his brow furrowed. “You think you deserve that happiness?”

 

“Just leave him alone and you can have me for whatever you want.”

 

Alastair’s head tipped sideways like he was calculating the value of Dean’s words before moving on. He motioned for a chair and it appeared quickly.

 

“Get him up,” Alastair said. “Arms to the back, secure him at the wrists and ankles.”

 

Dean thought he might have a chance to break free if the meds wore off enough for him to work at a rope, but as they hauled him up and into the chair he realized quickly that his body was so heavy with the drugs that it was going to take a long time before he was mobile enough for anything. He lost all hope in that plan once they used zip ties for every point he was secured. Dean struggled just to keep his head upright, but he could really see Cas now that their heads were about the same height and there was just the table of instruments between them. Cas’s face was back to the stoic wall he gave everyone, but Dean stayed with his eyes hoping Cas would understand.

 

Alastair came between them and smirked. “Aren’t you a sight? I knew you and I would be reunited someday, but I didn’t think I would have to end you like this.”

 

A whimper rose up from Cas and Alastair turned to look at him. “Oh, you’ll have a turn. You’re just another prize in the treasure hunt.” He turned back to Dean. “This one thinks he has something to say about this, but you know better, don’t you? I tell the stories in my own lab, and you have been my greatest mystery. What makes you tick, dear boy?”  

 

Alastair fingered the instruments on his tray one at a time, merely touching the end of some of them, but sliding his fingers along some of the metal pieces as if the action brought him comfort. He picked up a scalpel and examined it.

 

“So today we find out.” He set the instrument back down and extended a hand to Dr. Wilson so she could cover it in a rubber glove. She did the same for his left hand and then held up a gown for him to step into. He looked every part the studious surgeon except for that glint in his eye. “I had high hopes for you after your mother was so very useful to my studies, but she reset back to John so frequently that retiring her was the only possible solution.” Alastair picked up the scalpel again and smiled at him. “You were created to be beautiful, but in every progression you break down a little further until now- so you must be decommissioned.”

 

“You killed her,” Dean said, his mouth working to keep in the rage that wanted to spew.

 

The small tick of Alastair’s eyebrow was the only indication that he’d even heard Dean, much less cared enough to answer.

 

“She was no longer useful once I had you.” He leaned down to look Dean full in the face, completely blocking out any sign of Cas and his lips pulled into that crooked smile of his. “I knew you would run when she died. I wasn’t sure where to, but I have clinics all over the country. I would have gone wherever you ended up, darling boy, because you have been the very best playground for me.”

 

Alastair stood to his full height again and returned to the instrument table. “I find it interesting that you believe yourself matched to this one.” Alastair laid a cautious hand on Cas’s chest and looked down on him like a specimen. “How ironic that you finally think you connected to someone and it is this pitiful thing.” He bent over Cas. “You have loved Amelia for a very long time, and then this mess attached himself to you and got you all twisted up in his games.”

 

“Stop it,” Dean said.

 

“He doesn’t even know he does it, Castiel. He can’t help it- just like his mother. You see, his mark stutters because he can’t connect. His body tries and tries and gives up. It moves on.”

 

Alastair looked to Dean. “I thought by now you would have connected with one of them, but I’m starting to think you don’t actually have a soul for anyone to connect to.” He chuckled. “This is why you’re so fascinating. The boy who can’t love, even though love is the only thing he wants in the world. Let me take care of this one for you.” Alastair picked up scissors from the table and stalked back to Dean. He cut haphazardly at the neck of Dean’s t-shirt until a large flap hung from the shoulder and Joanna Harvelle was emblazoned clear on his chest.

 

Alastair pointed across the room to where Jo lay on a couch against the far wall. “Nothing from her, right? No connection?”

 

“Nothing. You can let her go,” Dean begged softly.

 

“Dean,” he said gently like he really cared. “I think you know me better than that.” Alastair nodded over his shoulder to Dr. Wilson.

 

“Don’t do it,” Dean cried out when he saw the syringe in her hand. “No, Jo! Please!” He screamed with everything he had, but she pressed the plunger into Jo’s arm anyway and it was Ruby all over again. Jo’s body twitched and shuddered and Dean turned away from the sight, his face wet.

 

“You know I couldn’t let her go.” Alastair crouched in front of him and Dean spit a hot glob of saliva in his eye. Before it could drip down Dean’s head whipped sideways, his face on fire. Hot breath rushed into his ear.

 

“Your behavior with the doctor will determine what I do with you later,” said the yellow-eyed man. “Apologize.”

 

“No need, Azazel,” Alastair said. He had wiped his face already when Dean looked at him. “You can’t expect him to remember his manners when he’s been away from our little family so long. We’ll just move on to the interesting one.”

 

Alastair pushed up to stand and went to stand by the table again where Cas was laid out.

 

“I will cut you to fucking pieces if you touch him!” Dean roared. Feeling was working it’s way through his arms and he wrestled against his bonds even though they cut into his flesh.

 

Alastair laughed and turned back. “Then who do you propose I work on next, Dean?”

 

“His brother is here,” Azazel said.

 

Alastair’s face lit and panic exploded in Dean’s brain- not Cas OR Sam. He tried to protest but everything stuck in his throat as his heart tried to work its way out of his chest.

 

“Let’s bring him in then,” Alastair said and led a few of his men out the door. Dean rebelled in his chair only to be halted by a harsh grip in his hair.

 

“You can protest all you want, Mr. Winchester, but none of you make it out of this place tonight,” Azazel hissed.

 

Dean found Cas’s eyes. “I’m sorry, Cas. I’m so sorry.”

 

“Stop,” Cas croaked, and he meant it in his eyes. He was right. There was nothing Dean could say or do that would change the events of the night.

 

“I love you, Cas. I know we didn’t say that yet, but I do and I-”

 

“That’s really touching,” Alastair returned. “Too bad we know it’s not true.”

 

“Don’t listen to him, Cas. I know what I feel and I love you.”

 

“And for that you can thank ‘the little hormone that could’. Did you feel the bond drop yet?” Alastair grinned at Dean’s expression. “Of course you did. Dr. Wilson adjusted your amoramine receptors earlier. So now you’re shouting your love from the rooftop to make sure it’s real even though we all know that it is impossible for you to have a soulmate, Dean.”

  
A few men came in carrying a long body and Dean craned to get a glimpse of his brother. “Is he-” he meant to follow with ‘dead’, but he was stopped by the fact that it wasn’t Sam at all, but Jimmy Novak that they unceremoniously dumped on the table next to Cas. He’d been through a beating, but it was him, alright. Cas managed to twist his head to see his brother. “Jimmy,” Cas’s voice came out broken and hoarse.“Wake up, Jimmy.”

 

“Where’s Sam?” Dean hissed, but Alastair just shook his head. “Somewhere safe.”

 

“Why bring Jimmy into this? He’s not involved.”

 

Alastair ignored him. “Wilson, let’s start the first series.”

 

She moved quickly behind Alastair, collecting a vial and syringe. Dean watched her draw it out then realized that she was coming toward him. He closed his eyes while she pressed it into his arm, but that didn’t stop the burning as the liquid moved into him.

 

“It will take a moment for that to process,” Alastair said. He pushed back the rags of Dean’s t-shirt. to see the space over his heart. “The previous name is gone, so we’ll be ready to try in a few minutes.”

 

“Try what?”

 

Alastair went back to his tray for the scissors and cut through Cas’s shirt as he spoke. “I realized when I was working with your mother that the specific traits I wanted were only being passed down when a child was conceived in a bonded soulmate relationship. You have a special skill set because of that bonded relationship your parents had plus your mother’s inborn stutter.” Alastair picked up a vial and drew some of the liquid into a syringe. “You had such a receptive brain as a child and after I perfected some things I needed to match you off so that we could move on to creating a genetic child within a soulmate bond.”

 

Alastair rolled Cas’s arm towards him and injected him as well. Cas was so focused on Jimmy that he didn’t react. Dean wanted to call to him, to just get his gaze back so he knew Cas understood him. Instead, he lay there with his twin regretting the day he ever took on the Winchester case. Alastair went back to the table to retrieve another syringe, filled it, and then went around to Jimmy to shoot the liquid into his veins. Jimmy groaned when the needle pushed into him, but he didn’t open his eyes.

 

“The only problem was that your original bond was with a man and obviously that wouldn’t produce offspring under a soulmate bond,” Alastair continued. “So I flipped your ‘flicker switch’ so to speak and waited for you to bond with a woman so that we could pass on the genetic code I built in you.”

 

“You did this to me when I was a kid?” Dean asked, his voice rasping.

 

“I built you, Dean, from the time you were conceived.” Alastair walked around to the other side of the table where Jimmy lay and pulled at his shirt to see if he was carrying a mark. “Your parents wanted a child for years, and I gave them you. Your mother was remarkable, but you were a gift. You know, she reset to your father a dozen times. I could never get the name generation to stop stuttering like that. But your flicker is perfect. Right on to the next name when one doesn’t work out. Of course, you don’t actually match anyone so you keep looping.”

 

Alastair rubbed a hand down Jimmy’s chest and back up. He looked at Dean over the twins. “Before I adjusted your code years ago you were meant for a certain young man and when you finally met him your body responded just like it was supposed to before I turned you on autopilot. I didn’t realize you could override the settings so easily.”

 

Cas turned his head slowly back to Dean, a mixture of pain, grief and longing in his eyes.

 

“You hear that Cas? He took that away from us. We’re supposed to be together,” Dean said. “You son of a bitch. You fix this. Reset me or something.”

 

Alastair came back around to Dean and smiled. “That’s what this is. A reset. I want to know if you can go back to who you were supposed to be.” He looked at Wilson. “Please check our Novak boys to make sure they’re completely ready.

 

Wilson walked around the table, looking first at Jimmy- examining his chest, then checking his pupils and listening to his heart- then the same for Cas while Alastair retrieved his scalpel. She nodded to him and he moved in front of Dean.

 

“You can produce a name now. Stress provoked you to produce Miss Harvelle’s name and I’m assuming pain will do the same- but perhaps faster.”

 

“I can’t just grab a name,” Dean shook, his eyes on the blade in Alastair’s hand.

 

“The drugs have paved the way for you. Focus.”

 

Dean did. He closed his eyes and was about to start a desperate prayer, but a ridiculous heat went through his arm and when he looked back Alastair’s blade was bloody and there was a long thin line cut down his bicep.

 

“Focus, Dean. Back to square one. Don’t you want his name written there on your chest so everyone will know?”

 

“I don’t need his name on me to know I love him,” Dean gritted out.

 

Alastair’s eyes darted back and forth over his face and something in his expression changed. He was displeased and Dean’s body shuddered involuntarily while he waited for the order for a beating to be issued to Azazel but no words came. Alastair’s lips twisted as he thought.

 

“Okay. What about you, Castiel? Do you need a name?” Alastair moved back over Cas and Cas stayed quiet. Alastair examined the skin where Amelia’s name had lived for years. “Amelia’s name is gone now. Do you want Dean’s name on your body? Did you actually manage to connect to that broken thing?”

 

“He’s not broken,” Cas gasped out.

 

Alastair laughed. “We’ll see about that.” He sliced a long thin line at an angle down Cas’s chest and then another line back up. Cas cried out on the second stroke.

 

“Stop!” Dean shouted. “Not him! Not-”

 

Alastair peered at Dean’s empty chest. “I’m waiting on you,” he insisted with a snarl and cut back into Cas. Cas’s hands balled into fists and he gave in to another cry as Alastair finished carving the W into him.

 

“Now he’s yours, Dean. All marked up for you, but no match still, hmm?” Alastair wiped at his work, red smearing over the tips of his gloves. He came back to Dean and grinned. “But you, on the other hand…” He touched Cas’s blood to Dean’s chest, over the letters there. “James Novak.”

 

“What?” Dean breathed.

 

“Jimmy is meant to be yours. Was, I should say. But you met Castiel and signals were crossed.”

 

“So we didn’t really…” Dean’s stomach dropped and he looked at Cas laying limp on that table and staring at the ceiling.

 

“Did you?” Alastair asked. He stalked over to Jimmy, a triumphant smile on his face when he saw Dean’s name marked clearly there.

 

“You want me to wake him up? Tell him the good news?”

 

Dean gritted his teeth. “Let them go. Keep me for whatever you want to do, but let Cas and Jimmy go. Please.”

 

“I like the sound of that.” Alastair said. “The ‘please’ part. You’re begging me because you know I won’t do it.” He looked up to the men standing beyond Dean.

 

“Do we have a table somewhere where I can work on him or do we need to dump these two?”

 

“This would be easiest,” Azazel answered. “We’ll take care of the Novaks.”

 

Time slowed while Dean screamed himself hoarse. Wilson gave both of the twins another injection, but the convulsions Dean expected never came for either of them. They took Jimmy off first somewhere where Dean couldn’t see him, and when they lifted Cas his head lolled back. Dean begged him to answer, but Cas’s eyes were glassy and distant. Dean yelled a rasping ‘I love you, I’m sorry!” loop after him until he had nothing left.

 

They were gone.

 

He didn’t recognize the injection until Alastair withdrew the needle from his arm. Dean looked him in the eye with the last of his energy. “What are you doing?”

 

“Well, I want a few keepsakes. And Azazel has plans for you as well.”

 

Dean was cut from the chair and lifted to the table where Cas had been cut open. His body was heavy and dull again, and someone else had to line up his limbs. Wilson appeared above him with an IV stand and worked at his arm.

 

“I’m sorry to see this end,” Alastair said. “but we have to look to the future now, Dean.”

 

“Wha’ future?” The words came out swollen and Dean blinked against sudden fatigue.

 

“Just think of all that knowledge you gave me with your body and our trial and error together. You have personally advanced my work with the next generation.”

 

Alastair leaned his elbows on the table and bent low enough to speak directly into Dean’s ear.

“Your daughter is the best thing I have ever built. None of your flaws, aside from the attitude. I had hoped to breed that out.”

 

“Daugh-ter?” Dean forced the syllables out and frowned with the effort. The room was swimming and he had to put everything he had into keeping his eyes open.

 

“Mmmm. Much like your parents, Jimmy and Amelia were unable to conceive until you and I helped them along. Claire is flawless. You should be very proud.”

 

Dean blinked as Alastair stood. “I have some work to do with our beautiful twins upstairs. I promised you to Azazel.” He looked over his shoulder while Dean let his eyes slip shut. He felt cold all over and the pounding of his heart sounded loud in his head. It was the blood rushing, he knew, but it didn’t really matter. Azazel would take his time and let it all loose.

 

“Nothing to the head,” He heard Alastair say. “I want the brain when you’re finished. Don’t kill him,” and then he leaned directly over Dean.

 

“Thank you, Dean. It really has been a pleasure.” He patted him on the chest like they’d been friends once, and then he was gone. Dean stared up even as he felt pressure on his body- his shirt was cut the rest of the way open and Azazel grinned.

 

“I can break you bit by bit or we can go for the soft parts now.”

 

Dean didn’t answer. It didn’t matter.

 

“We’ll start with the fingers then, so we have something to build up to. But I’ll see your guts spilled, Winchester, one way or another for all the times he saved your life.”

 

Dean heard a gut-wrenching cry and he knew it was Cas. He couldn’t even call back to him; his own voice was already gone.

 

Another long wail from upstairs and Dean tried to struggle, to fight, to move even one muscle, but he was so weighed down that even turning his head was impossible. When Cas cried again tears flooded Dean and he closed his eyes. They were done. Dean mustered what little voice he could and when Azazel was ready to break the first finger he hissed, “Kill me.”

 

“I will, but I want you to cry a little for me first.” The first blow to his hand was jarring, but not as painful as he expected. It was the second and third that made him scream. After that he gave into whatever it was that kept trying to pull him under- the drugs, the pain... It all just became noise and pressure and light and when he next opened his eyes he could swear he saw his father standing over him, so he closed his eyes again before John was the last thing he remembered. Sam… Cas...

 


	17. Was It Ever Real?

Dean didn’t wake all at once. He had learned a long time ago not to let Azazel or Alastair know he was awake if he could help it, and the drugs helped with a slow start. He moved a little, testing each limb and everything moved now, though the pain at each effort wasn’t worth it. His arms were restricted- tied down? He risked opening an eye.

 

“Dean?”

 

“No, no, no, no, no, no, no…” Dean muttered, eyes sliding closed again. Not him. Not…

 

“You’re safe here,” John said. “You’re alive at least.”

 

“Cas?” Dean croaked. His throat was still raw.

 

“Which one’s Cas?”

 

Dean swallowed and his face flushed hot as tears started.

 

“There’s a girl we pulled out,” John said. “Two guys- brothers, I guess. We retrieved one body from the yard out back- a young guy. FBI is, uh, managing the rest of it.”

 

“The brothers- Cas and Jimmy,” Dean fought to get the words out, but he had to know.

 

“One of ‘em woke up this morning, the other is still out. They’re both in rough shape, but looks like they’ll make it. The girl is critical, but alive.”

 

Jo wasn’t dead. At least there was that. He opened his eyes as far as they would go. One was swollen nearly shut. “Is Sam-”

 

“I got him.”

 

“Where?”

 

“We’ll talk about him later.” John stood and went around to the pad with the nurse call button on it. He pressed it and stood there, awkward and fumbling for words. Dean had never seen him like that before, and that scared him more than anything. He relied on knowing John’s moods so he was prepared for what would come, but this...

 

“This thing… if I had…” John breathed heavy like he had to tackle and subdue the words before we could get them out. “This should never have happened to you.”

 

Dean didn’t know what to say. No fucking joke? “How did I get here?”

 

“The address you sent me save you. Your friend Cas- uh, he had some buddies that helped me out. I guess you know Gabriel? Him and a couple others. We had to be quick because FBI was behind us, but we took care of it.” John heaved a breath and looked away. “He was going to kill you.”

 

“I know,” Dean said. Every inch of him ached and he finally looked down his body. The bland hospital blankets were pulled up to his chest, and his left arm was in a cast from nearly fingertips to elbow. No restraints like he’d initially imagined, just the cast heavy on his arm.

 

John saw where he was looking and nodded to the cast. “You had a surgery for that. Hopefully you get all the movement back.”

 

Dean reached up with his right hand and pulled down the top of his hospital gown to see his chest. A long thin line cut through the place where it said James Novak and neat stitches held it all together. Dean took that in and closed his eyes again. He had to see Cas, had to see Sam…

 

There were a few light taps on the door and it opened. The nurse smiled as she walked in. “Mr. Winchester, you’re awake.”

 

“Dean,” he croaked.

 

“Hello, Dean.” She swung the stethoscope from around her neck and placed it in her ears. “I’m just going to take a listen.”

 

Dean closed his eyes while she worked- first the chest, then holding his wrist for a pulse, and then going to the computer to mark her notes.

 

“Dean, do you know where you are?”

 

“A hospital somewhere.”

 

“Omaha.” She said as she typed. “Do you know the year?”

 

“2015.”

 

“Good.” She smiled as she pulled the gown back up his chest as well as the blanket. “I’m Hannah. You’ve sustained several injuries. I paged Dr. Hester and Dr….” She had to check before she finished her reply. “Bradbury.”

 

Dean’s eyes popped open. “Charlie is here?” He whispered it, but his voice still cracked on the last word.

 

“She’ll be in soon.” Hannah patted his hand. “She’ll answer all your questions. You should drink water as you’re feeling up to it. I’ll go grab a cup for you.”

 

Dean watched her go and wished she had stayed. If she stayed he didn’t have to talk to his father and even better- John wouldn’t feel like he had to talk to Dean.

 

“So you got a line of people wanting to talk to you now that you’re up. That nurse’ll be letting your FBI friend know you’re up and Gabriel is out there waiting. Want me to send him in before you have to talk to the feds?”

 

Dean nodded.

 

“Be right back.” John said and he stalked out the door. Dean hoped he wouldn’t come back. Surely Gabriel would be able to tell him more about Cas and Jimmy. One was awake- it must be Jimmy or Cas would be there with him. Or maybe Cas had made a decision. Maybe now that he knew all the ugliness of Dean’s past, the truth of his condition… the fact that they weren’t soulmates, that Jimmy…

 

Dean swiped at his eyes with his good hand. The muscles moved, the hand worked, but the limb felt foreign to him. The pain in his head was mostly on the side with the swollen eye and the cheekbone felt even worse for the touch. He probably looked like a monster.

 

The door swung open and a short guy with a thin wry smile and blonde hair came in.

 

“Hey, Buckaroo.”

 

Dean grimaced at the name and then groaned at the pain the motion caused.

 

“What- too early for nicknames? Cas seems pretty fond of you and I gotta’ say he and I hang together pret-ty frequently.”

 

Hannah came back in with a styrofoam cup. A straw stuck up out of the top through a plastic lid and she handed it to him. “Call again if you need anything,” She said as she pulled the little table up over his bed, and then the door shut and it was just him and Gabriel again. Dean drank and the cold water felt sharp at first, but then soothing as he drank a little more. He looked at Gabriel, hoping that maybe this time he’d get to the point.

 

Gabriel cleared his throat, any levity in the moment gone under Dean’s serious gaze. “Well, anyway- I figured I’d meet you some time just not like this. I figure you want to know what happened back there.”

 

“I want to know what’s wrong with Cas.” Those words came out a little easier, but he drank more to continue to ease the way.

 

“Short story is he got it about as bad as you. When we got there you were on that table and your father just- well, that guy didn’t live long. You pointed us upstairs. They hadn’t done anything with Jimmy yet, but they dosed Cas up with something that was- I don’t know. He was burning up and that guy had him all cut open.”

 

“Is he dead?”

 

“Cas? No.”

 

“No- the guy cutting him open.”

 

“That guy? Oh, hell yeah. Balthazar doesn’t have a lot of patience, especially when it comes to anyone messing with Castiel.” Gabriel took in Dean’s uncertain expression and shrugged. “When it became clear the case was getting big Cas and I called some people for help. People we trust. We caught up with your father going after Sam, and he insisted he come along with us to the Harvelle place. He’s kind of an asshole by the way.”

 

“Where’s Sam?”

 

Gabriel pursed his lips and inspected Dean’s face. “He’s a little busy with the FBI.”

 

“How bad was he hurt?”

 

Gabriel shook his head. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

 

“The fucking truth. No matter how bad.”

 

Gabriel appraised him again before pushing his hands into his pockets. “He wasn’t hurt at all.” He let Dean take in the implication, but before Dean could speak again he continued. “Your brother says there was a girl. He was seeing her before he met his wife and when he found out about Madison he dumped the girl, right? Well he says she came back and seduced him one night about a year ago. Says he was super drunk and he didn’t realize what had happened til the next morning.”

 

Dean swore under his breath.

 

“She threatens to tell Madison unless he does something for her.” Gabriel continued. “Which was to do whatever she asked the next time he saw her. So she shows up dressed as an FBI agent and pulls Sam out of the room. Ruby takes him to that Crowley character and they both threaten him if he doesn’t play along.”

 

“Wait- Ruby?”

 

Gabriel took a deep breath, another inventory that was so measured it reeked of Cas’s influence. “You know her?”

 

Dean closed his eyes. “I know a dead Ruby. It can’t be the same person.”

 

“Well, we left this Ruby and Crowley with your FBI buddies.”

 

Fuck. “So Sam did what exactly?”

 

“He says all he did was leave with her and hand over your envelope to Crowley.”

 

“Do you believe him?”

 

“Your dad seemed to.”

 

“That’s not saying much,” Dean muttered.

 

“Well, for what it’s worth, it seems like we rounded everyone up. They were surprised as hell when we showed up and I don’t think anyone got the jump on us that the FBI didn’t pick up on their way in after us.”

 

A knock echoed and Charlie peeked in. “Dean? You awake?” She smiled at him and stepped just inside the door, a somber blonde behind her.

 

“That’s my cue,” Gabriel said. “I’ll be with Cas and Jimmy if you need me.”

 

Dean nodded. There was so much he wanted to say, but actual words weren’t forming in a way that made any sense. He was quiet long enough that Gabriel turned to go, so Dean hurried the words out even while his throat protested. “I don’t know what to say. You saved my life.”

 

Gabriel’s mouth stretched in a grim line. “Just… be good to Cas. He’s going to need you when he wakes up.”

 

Dean nodded. There was no way to ever repay the debt on his life, but being good to Cas- that he could do.

 

“Sorry to interrupt.” Charlie said with a wide smile but as she got closer Dean saw her watery eyes. “I’m so sorry all this happened to you, Dean.”

 

“You had nothing to do with this,” he said as he reached for the drink. His throat was killing him again.

 

Dr. Hester was the one that went through the injuries and procedures one by one- the broken fingers and hand carefully reconstructed in surgery, the multiple contusions to the face and body, the wound across the chest that had been stitched closed, and the concussion.

 

“What about the hormone thing?”

 

“Whatever they gave you caused a reaction in your body we’re still trying to figure out,” Charlie said. “It’s keeping the amoramine level very high in spite of the medication you’re on. Fortunately you are you and your body is tolerating the high levels well. It’s actually the concussion we’ve been watching most closely and the hand.”

 

“Can we get the name off of there?”

 

“I can’t promise, but that’s my goal. I want to get that name off of you so we can keep you stable for once.”

 

“I don’t want it on there,” Dean muttered. His head was hurting worse and the catheter in his arm was itching and-

 

“Can you take it out?” He asked. “Charlie?” His voice rose higher as panic clawed at him. “Can you get it out now, please? I can’t- I can’t- I can’t-”

 

Charlie leaned right into his line of sight and he focused on her bright eyes. “I’m going to see what you’re getting in the IV right now, okay? Try to breathe.”

 

Then she leaned out of his vision and the world swam as his eyes flooded. He breathed and his chest burned every time his lungs moved.

 

“I need to leave the lock in because you’re going to have to have more medication through the IV soon.”

 

“Please Charlie, I don’t-” Dean tried to force his attention anywhere but on that arm, but the needle felt like fire and horror there.

 

“I’m sorry. You have had so many recent needle sticks we’re running out of places to stick you.” Charlie ran a finger along her lower lashes, then again on the other eye and sniffed. “I hope you know I would if I could.”

 

“Is Cas…” His voice caught and he looked away.

 

“You know I can’t discuss another patient,” Charlie said. “But I can see what I can do about getting you down the hall to see him. Sedative in the meantime?”

 

“No” That thought was even more terrifying after his most recent time with Alastair. He tried to force focus on what might keep him most present- the gown against his skin, the weight of the blankets, the cast on his arm… His face was wet again too. god- all I’ve done is cry since I’ve been awake. He wiped his cheeks with the back of his hand and shook his head.

 

“Charlie, I don’t want anything anymore, okay? No drugs, no hospital. I just- get me out of here.”

 

Charlie placed a hand on his shoulder and he looked down at her slender fingers. “I’d let you out now but I don’t think you can walk.”

 

“Please, Charlie. I really need to see Cas.” He was still breathing ragged, but it was slowing as his hope grew.

 

Charlie examined him closely, eyes darting back and forth over his. “Okay. I can’t let you in the room, but Jimmy is there. I’ll go talk to him and come back for you.”

 

The dour faced Dr. Hester followed her out and Dean closed his eyes. If he could just see Cas and know he was there and breathing and healing, then maybe he could keep his own worry pushed down. He had to know with his own touch, his own eyes that Cas would recover. He could keep it together for Cas if he could sit with him and hold his hand. And maybe when they touched they would both remember the line that held them together before and even if it wasn’t there anymore Cas would want that still.

 

When Charlie came back she was pushing a wheelchair. She unhooked a few monitors first and moved the bag of fluid from next to the bed to a pole attached to the wheelchair. She cpatiently helped Dean swing his legs down and off the bed, then to standing before she helped him sit in the wheelchair. She was right. He was shaky and a little nauseous- leaving now would likely result in him on the ground before he got down the hall.

 

Charlie took her time tucking a blanket around him, so long that Dean got up the courage to ask. “Are me and Cas not really connected anymore?”

 

“What does it feel like to you?”

 

“It feels like a hole in me.”

 

“That should go away after a few more days of treatment,” She smiled sadly and kept her eyes on the busy work she did with her hands. “Lonely Heart.”

 

She pushed him through the hall and up to a set of double doors. A nurse had to let them into the next space and then there was a line of rooms with mostly glass walls. She parked him in front of one.

 

“Was it real, Charlie? Me and Cas? Cause I don’t want to to hurt him. I just want…” He trailed off.

 

“There was definitely something hormonal in play, but you were never soulmates, Dean. You know that.”

 

Dean licked his lower lip and pulled it in between his teeth. “I just need to see him.”

 

“I’ll be right back,” Charlie said and she disappeared into the room. A moment later the curtain slid aside. Relief flooded him at the sight of Cas actually there even though he lay broken and still, a vent helping him breathe. Jimmy sat hunched next to the bed, listening to Charlie and they made it a whole minute or so before he raised his head and saw Dean. Their eyes met and Dean’s heart seized. It was Cas, but not Cas. The eyes were so similar to the man he loved, but Jimmy’s eyes roiled with quiet anger and when he stood next to Charlie Dean was sure he knew what was coming.

 

“Get in here.” Jimmy said after he wrenched the door open. His own face was a swath of healing bruises and he moved stiffly. Dean looked up at Charlie, who pushed him into the room and up to the bed.

 

“I’ll be just outside,” she said, gingerly touching Dean’s shoulder before he left.

 

Jimmy went back to his vigil next to Cas and the near silence stretched between them while the vent did Cas’s work for him.

 

“Jimmy, I’m sorry you-“

 

“Don’t.” Jimmy stared at his brother the shine of his eyes growing as tears formed. “I don’t know a lot about what happened, but I know you are the source of all of it.”

 

“No, Jimmy, I-“

 

Jimmy raised a hand as his head lowered. “Save it. You… you have been nothing but…” He sniffed hard and grabbed Cas’s limp hand from the bed. “That day I met him at Michael’s he told me about you and a little about the case. And god that is… that is terrible what has been happening to you. But Cas… he said finally he met someone he could love.”

 

Emotion swelled in Dean’s chest. Cas had to know- he had to feel the same.

 

“My brother never let me know about anything like that before. I didn’t even know about Amelia until after we got married and…” Jimmy ran fingers through his hair to vent his frustration, leaving it standing all directions. “Cas doesn’t share things with anyone. Not even me. So when he said that about you I thought…” Jimmy’s voice broke of and his eyes went red. “And then you did this to him. You dragged him in so deep that he can’t… he might not wake up, Dean. He…” Jimmy broke into tears and Dean nearly broke too. Watching Jimmy, so much like Cas but letting everything come out in a way Cas never had.

 

“And what the fuck is this, Winchester?” Jimmy grabbed the collar of his t-shirt and pulled down just enough for Dean to see a part of his own name emblazoned on Jimmy’s skin.

 

“Let me explain.” Dean said. If he could get Jimmy to agree to five minutes maybe he’d let him get all the way through it.

 

Jimmy glared at him, then squinted like Cas did and Dean’s throat seized up. He pushed back tears when Jimmy nodded.

 

“First, I love Cas.” Dean whispered. He dare not speak louder for fear his voice would fail him before he could say what had to be said in this moment. And he didn’t want Cas to hear it all again. He had been through enough without reliving it all.

 

Dean told Jimmy about the malfunction in his body, the way Cas had helped with Anna and then Jo, but then Alastair- fucking Alastair and the way he seemed to infiltrate everywhere. The way he’d planted Dr. Wilson and slowed them all so that they couldn’t get away when the time was right. “And you, Jimmy. I didn’t know what he’d done to you and Claire.”

 

“What the fuck does Claire have to do with this?” Jimmy’s voice was low but the hatred and fear wrapped around the words went straight to Dean’s core.

 

“God, Jimmy. I- I don’t even know if he was just fucking with me or what. I don’t want to-”

 

“Just say it. There’s no use hiding things now.”

 

“I guess you and I were supposed to be marked for each other originally before Alastair fucked with my system.”

 

“That’s impossible. I would feel it with you in the room like this.”

 

“He did it when we were kids. And now I love Cas and you love Amelia. From what I’ve seen of this we can’t bond. Plus I’m on medication that will hopefully clear your name off of me soon and hopefully there won’t ever be another name.”

 

Jimmy nodded. “Well that’s… I don’t know. What about Claire?”

 

“He said…” Dean weighed it carefully. They had to check the girl to make sure she was okay, but he didn’t want them to think he thought she was his daughter, like he suddenly had a right to her. “He said he made her like me but better. I don’t know what that means, but-“

 

“Claire is my daughter.”

 

“We agree. But you probably need to have her tested to see if she has the same stuff I have or-”

 

“I don’t need to,” Jimmy said. “She is my daughter and she is nothing like you.“

 

Dean blinked back. He knew he shouldn’t feel the pain of the words- Jimmy was angry and fearful for his daughter. It made sense that he would lash out like that. But it felt like a direct assault on Dean’s very being, practically from Cas.

 

“You should go,” Jimmy said suddenly.

 

“Please, Jimmy, I just want to be here for him.“ Dean knew it wouldn’t change anything, but he tried again anyway. “I love him.”

 

“I think you’ve done enough here. I’ll let you know if Cas wants to see you.” Jimmy said. He motioned to Charlie through the window. “If he wakes up,” he added just before Charlie opened the door. Dean’s chest compressed at the idea and he struggled to keep breathing.

 

He didn’t break until he was back to his room. Charlie helped him stand and get back in the bed, and as the blankets were tucked in around him he sat up fast to try to pull air. Charlie calmed him while reattaching his monitors and pulling a cannula up and over each ear and tucking it into his nose. He breathed until he could lay curled in on his right side, the left arm laying heavy across him in its cast.

 

No more trips out of the room, she was saying. Not that it mattered anyway. He couldn’t see Cas anymore- at least not until he woke up and wanted to see Dean.


	18. Take a Chance

Dean didn’t care at all about Bobby, Ellen and John talking over and around him while he lay curled up in the bed until he heard John’s proclamation that he would be the one to stay the night with Dean.

 

Dean hadn’t noticed the passage of time except that now that they mentioned night he noticed it was dark outside. He caught Bobby’s glance and begged him with his eyes to intervene. He didn’t care who stayed as long as it wasn’t John.

 

“You’ve been here two nights already, John. Let me take a night and you can get some decent sleep in an actual bed,” Bobby offered.

 

Ellen caught on quick and jumped in. “Yeah, John. I’ll get you the room next to mine at the hotel and we can come back first thing tomorrow.”

 

“You need me here, right, Dean?” John’s eyes burned into him like he was daring him to protest and Dean cleared his throat. He had to if he was going to get any sound out, but it also gave him an extra second or two of space before he had to answer.

 

“You need some sleep, Dad. And all I’m going to be doing is sleeping anyway.”

 

“You slept for practically two days straight. You’re telling me you’re still tired?”

 

Bobby clapped him on the back and on the second strike gripped John’s shoulder. He wasn’t as tall as John but they’d been friends their whole lives and he could sometimes work a magic no one else could. “Probably the medication they’re giving him,” Bobby said.

 

John’s eyes still held Dean pinned, but after a moment he nodded. “Yeah. Maybe we get you out of here tomorrow.”

 

Dean nodded. Charlie hadn’t said anything about being discharged yet, but maybe it would come as early as then. Whenever he could get back on his feet without reeling.

 

Ellen left with John, and Bobby pulled a chair next to Dean and sat without a word.

 

“Thanks, Bobby.”

 

“I wouldn’t want him staying if I were you either.”

 

They settled into a quiet that Dean had only known around Bobby. Bobby didn’t say much most of the time and it had rubbed off on Dean to the point where they could practically have a conversation about anything at the garage without saying an actual word. Dean coming home after so many years absent with the last name Singer hooked onto him had been the junction where they both silently understood that Bobby was Dean’s father in all practicality.

 

“You don’t have to tell me what’s going on here,” Bobby said. “I know the basics from your dad. But what I don’t understand is how you’ve had nothing to say for almost four hours now. Ellen and me came in and you said your hellos and then you went mute.”

 

Dean focused on the sheets instead of Bobby’s face. When John looked at him it was all fear and anxiety, and Bobby’s look brought up every sense of failure Dean had in him. He wanted so much for Bobby to be proud of him.

 

“I’m sorry, Bobby. I’m bad company,” he whispered.

 

“Not looking for company.” Bobby sighed loudly. “Like I said. You don’t have to say anything, but I can listen if you want me to.”

 

Dean didn’t sleep that night. Between the beeps, the low lights, and his general paranoia he didn’t have much of a chance, but Jimmy’s words rattled in his head all night. Bobby stretched out on the little bed that folded out of the stiff hospital couch, and from the sound of it he didn’t sleep much either. Dean listened to him roll over every fifteen minutes or so and get up for the morning before light peeked through the cracks in the blinds. Bobby went into the hall and came back with a cup of strong coffee that filled the air. He took up watch in the chair next to Dean’s bed.

 

“Bobby…” Dean said. His voice caught on the end and he had to clear his throat a little before he could speak again, but there was Bobby, watching him expectantly. “You know about Cas?”

 

Bobby shrugged. “He’s the one that hasn’t woke up yet, right?”

 

Dean nodded. Tears pooled on his pillow case. It was easier to cry in the dark like that.

 

“Cas has been trying to help me since the beginning. And along the way…” Dean started to shake as he realized he was really going to say it. He was going to tell Bobby about Cas. “I love him, Bobby.”

 

“I figured it was something like that.” Bobby looked down into his coffee. “You seemed awful desperate to see him to hear your dad tell it.”

 

Every curse word Dean knew echoed in his head. Of all the people… “Do you think he knows?”

 

Bobby shrugged. “He didn’t say anything. I can’t say I blame you for keeping it from him.”

 

Dean crushed the corner of his pillow in his good hand.

 

“I don’t know if I’m coming back to Lawrence, Bobby. With Sam and Dad there... I don’t know.”

“Where is Cas from?”

 

“Pontiac, Illinois. But too much of this mess happened there.”

 

Bobby leaned forward and patted Dean’s hand. “Wherever is safe, Dean. Ellen and I will come visit.”

 

“I don’t even know if Cas… after everything that happened…” Dean’s voice dropped out on him and he was grateful. Who knew what sloppy mess would come out of his mouth while he worried about the ifs of their relationship.

 

“You always have a place with us and a job at the garage if you want it. Or need it.”

 

“Thanks, Bobby.” The words barely came out, but Dean closed his eyes with relief and finally slept.

  
  


***

  
  


“I don’t want to talk anymore,” Dean said sullenly.

 

Mills pursed her lips, but shook her head. “I don’t really want to talk much about this one either.”

 

They’d gone over the whole story twice with another team there to investigate, and Mills had stayed behind, claiming that she wanted to say a goodbye to Dean. They wouldn’t see each other again most likely, though Dean had assumed that the last time they’d parted ways when he’d wandered around for a few years before trying to head back home to his brother.

 

“I thought it was him,” Dean said after a long breath. “When they caught up with us out the back I thought it was Henriksen.” His voice was better than the day before, but still craggy after sleep and disuse.

 

Mills shrugged and looked down at the cup of coffee she’d let grow cold. “He didn’t really trust you either, so…”

 

“Good to know.” Dean kept his eyes on the blanket where a thread had gone loose. He rubbed at it with his thumb nail.

 

“You should see your brother when you’re ready.”

 

“I will.”

 

Mills leaned forward like she wanted to touch his knee, but thought better of it. “Before you leave Omaha if you can. He’s sick with worry that you’ll never speak to him again.”

 

“Not really sure what to say.”

 

Mills nodded. “I doubt there’s a right answer.”

 

There were very few answers right now. But the important facts were there- Alastair and Azazel were both cold in the morgue. Meg, Crowley, and Ruby were in custody along with the henchmen that hadn’t been taken down in the fight to get to Dean, Cas and Jimmy. There was no one left to hide from- no one left to fear.

 

“I heard you’re getting out of here today.”

 

“Something like that.”

 

Mills pushed up on the armrests of the chair to get to her feet. “I have to ask one more time and you go ahead and say no and I’ll never ask you again. Will you testify against Dr. Abaddon?”

 

Dean nodded. “I will. You tell me when you need me.”

 

Mills laughed, shaking her head in dismay. “Now you agree. You almost died but now you’ll testify.”

 

“Seems like the right thing to do.”

 

Mills extended a hand to him and Dean shook it. “I guess I’ll see you at the trial.”

 

“You will,” Dean said.

 

Mills offered him a final smile before she left and when she pulled the door open she looked back at him. “You have a visitor.”

 

“Just me,” Bobby said gruffly. “I got your clothes.” He tossed the worn duffle bag up on the end of Dean’s hospital bed. The nurse had been by earlier to take out the lock on his arm and he was free to shower and dress. Dr. Hester would sign the orders to release him sometime that afternoon and then he’d be free to go wherever he wanted.

 

“Thanks, Bobby. I’m just gonna grab a shower and change.” Dean dug through his bag, thankful they’d had a chance to get some laundry done. Christ- that was just a few days earlier when Cas met him in the laundry room and they had pulled together like magnets. And then...

 

“Take your time.” Bobby’s words shook Dean back to reality and he finished collecting what he needed.

 

Between the cast and the areas with stitches, the shower wasn’t actually a shower, but Dean came out of the hot water feeling decently clean. Drying off and getting dressed was an experience. He managed to get the cast through the arm hole of the t-shirt just fine, but the flannel he’d grabbed to layer on top was more challenging. Trying to put on socks with one hand was an absolute nightmare, so he didn’t even attempt.

 

Bobby helped him with socks and shoes, and Dean decided he practically felt like a new person until Bobby spoke up.

 

“Sam’s in the waiting room.”

 

Dean groaned. “I don’t know, Bobby.”

 

“You don’t have to like him, but maybe just talk to him.”

 

Dean took a lot longer with his bag than he had to. His legs were shaking a little. From nerves or hunger he wasn’t sure; he hadn’t really eaten his lunch. It didn’t seem important then while he was telling the details of the worst day of his life for a second time.

 

“Maybe a little later. I need to sit.”

 

Bobby was there in an instant, taking his elbow and guiding him into the chair with fear in his eyes at Dean’s sudden weakness. “Do I need to call the nurse in?”

 

“No. Just…”  Dean held his head in his hands. He had to get this under control. “I think I need to eat something.”

 

“I’ll get some food ordered.” Bobby went around the bed to the room phone and Dean slunk in the chair. He was due for pain meds soon and the food would do him good. He could force himself to eat. Sam would have to wait- maybe for a long time. Bobby had the Impala in the parking lot and Dean could get Cas’s stuff to Jimmy and go. He still had most of the cash he’d pulled out of the bank when they first left on the road trip from hell. He could hide out just about anywhere for a long while- find a place to settle again and start over for real now that Alastair wasn’t hovering over his life.

 

Someone knocked on the door and before Dean could snap at them Bobby called out a sharp “Come in” before returning to the phone.

 

Michael Milton.

 

“Hi, Dean. Is this a bad time?” he asked as he closed the door behind him.

 

“No, just trying to get up and moving before they discharge me.”

 

Michael nodded. Dean tried to figure out what kind of visit this might be, but Michael’s face was almost annoyingly calm. It wasn’t the same kind of stoic Cas carried, but Michael really did look to be peaceful.

 

“Is Anna alright?” Dean asked.

 

“Yes. She’s home now. She sent me actually. For Cas and Jimmy.”

 

Bobby settled a hand on Dean’s shoulder. He hadn’t realized he was shaking until then.

 

“Shouldn’t you be with Cas and Jimmy then?” Bobby asked, kind but direct.

 

“I was down there already. Jimmy had a lot to say about you and… I want you to know that he’s wrong. Me and Anna and Cas all know what this was about. I want you to know that Anna has never blamed you and I- I know how hard you’ve tried to fix this.”

 

Michael smiled just enough to relieve some of the tension building, but his face settled back to a quiet undercurrent of sadness. “They released Jimmy yesterday and he’s been with Cas ever since. I convinced him to go back to my hotel room to sleep for awhile.”

 

Dean nodded along. God knows they all needed to sleep for a decade to recover from everything that had happened in the previous weeks. “Thanks for watching out for him.”

 

“If you want to come see Cas, please do. I know what Jimmy told you, but… I also know that Cas needs you there.”

 

“Michael, we don’t-” It hurt to say it out loud but Dean knew he had to. “That bond me and Cas had wasn’t a real one. It was a product of-”

 

“I don’t care about all of that. You’re important to Cas and nothing is ever important to Cas. So you should be there. If you want to be, of course.”

 

Dean didn’t say anything. He couldn’t look at Michael either. He knew how Jimmy felt and now Michael- but there was no saying what Cas wanted. Cas who had been quiet when Dean shouted I love you’s at Jo’s house. There was too much pain associated with Dean now, both physical and emotional and Dean could never expect forgiveness for that.

 

“Dean’s waiting on food and medicine right now,” Bobby said. “Can he come down when he’s finished with those?”

 

“Of course,” Michael said. “I’m going back to Cas’s room now and Jimmy will leave when I get there.” He bobbed his head in a sort of thank you and left as quietly as he’d come.

 

Bobby thanked him and as soon as Michael was gone he crouched down in front of Dean. “You have a chance here.”

 

“I know,” Dean’s voice was lower than usual.

 

“I know you’re thinking about getting in that car and going for a drive so this is all said and done, but you’ll give this chance away and spend the rest of your time empty.”

 

“I need to sleep,” Dean said. He couldn’t do this. Not right now. Bobby got out of his way, standing stiffly and backing away to give Dean the room to get up and sit back on the hospital bed. Dean swung his legs up and settled on top of the blankets, shoes still on. “I’ll eat whenever it gets here.”

 

“And then you’ll go see Cas.” Bobby said.

 

Dean rolled onto his side. “And then I’ll go see Cas,” he mumbled.

  
  


***

  
  


Dean actually slept some which shocked the hell out of both him and Bobby. It was less than an hour, but every minute counted. He picked at the food until Bobby practically barked at him. He had to get something in his system to stop the shakiness and nausea, but he flat out wasn’t hungry. Dean was glad when the nurse showed up. He downed the assortment of pills she brought and drank the whole glass of water after. He leaned back against the raised half of the bed.

 

“We’re getting all your paperwork ready for discharge. Maybe an hour or two?” The nurse suggested.

 

“Is it okay if I go visit my friend in ICU?”

 

“His brother came by personally earlier to invite him down,” Bobby said. It was such a weird way to present it, like it was some kind of fucking party with personalized invitations, but that was exactly what Michael had done minus a physical invitation.

 

“If the family allows it it’s fine. I’ll get a wheelchair for you.”

 

“I’ll even push you,” Bobby said. The nurse promised to return with a chair shortly and Dean sat, staring blankly at the floor.

 

“Best get yourself together for seeing Cas then.” Bobby stood by the door after the nurse left, waiting for Dean.

 

“I’m fine. I’m ready,” Dean said.

 

Bobby raised an eyebrow. “Boy, I’ve known you too long for you to think you can lie to me.”

 

“What do you want me to say Bobby? That I’m scared shitless? Because I gotta’ say-”

 

Bobby stalked across the room in quick steps as Dean ranted until they were practically nose to nose.

 

“Dean Winchester, your father is a nasty son of a bitch. I will never know all the ways he’s tried to ruin you, but I know he taught you to run for the hills when things get bad.” Bobby breathed in so fast his nostrils flared and his lips pressed tight together as his chin shook. “Don’t run from this. You go see him. Don’t run ‘til you have a real reason.”

 

Dean nodded, his forehead creasing. Bobby wasn’t an advice giver. He was more of the ‘live and let live and then mutter about it ‘til they give in to his wa’ type of guy, but he so rarely gave actual advice that Dean wasn’t sure what to make of it.

 

“You don’t even know Cas,” he said weakly.

 

“I will.”

 

The wheelchair arrived and Bobby brought it right up to the bed. Dean’s heart started to pound the moment his ass hit the seat. There were no blankets to tuck, but Dean insisted on grabbing a baseball cap before Bobby wheeled him out.

 

Down the same path Charlie had taken him and up to those glass rooms. The curtain was pulled back this time, at least enough for Michael to be able to see out. He smiled when he saw Dean and came to the door to let him in. Bobby got him to the edge of the bed and then muttered something about getting a cup of coffee.

 

Castiel didn’t look any better except that the vent was gone.

 

“He’s been sort of awake on and off, but just a minute or two here and there. And when he’s awake he doesn’t make much sense. But he’s doing well enough to be off the ventilator now. They’re keeping him sedated at this point to give the medication more time to fight back.”

 

Michael rattled off a few technical numbers about O sats and amoramine levels, but Dean couldn’t listen. He stared at Cas in profile, admiring the rise of his nose and the way his cheekbones stood out even in sleep. He looked so much younger, so much more relaxed aside from the bruises that had moved to purples and blacks and even as far as yellow and green in some places.

 

“You can touch him. Jimmy and I have been trying to hold his hand so he knows someone is here.”

 

Dean nodded and sniffed to keep tears back. He reached for Cas’s fingers and fit his own in and around them. It was strange to get absolutely zero response from Cas, but they hadn’t exactly done a lot of handholding. Dean squeezed anyway and stared at their entwined hands. It was strange to describe after experiencing the type of connection they’d shared with each other, but in some ways this moment connected only at the hand was far more intimate than any connection they’d felt before.

 

“Hey, Cas. Sorry I wasn’t here before now.”

 

Dean heard motion and looked over to the door, half expecting Jimmy to be there. He went a little jittery about that prospect but it was just Michael moving toward the door.

 

“I’ll be just outside the window if you need anything.”

 

Dean nodded and watched as the door clicked shut behind Michael.

 

“Me and Jimmy had a mixup and he’s really mad at me. Maybe you heard some of that- I don’t know. I don’t remember anything from when I was out, so who knows if you can hear it or process it or whatever.” Dean knew he was rambling, but he couldn’t stop everything from tumbling out now that it was just him and Cas.

 

“I don’t know exactly what Alastair did to you. No one is really telling me much about your side of things. I’m so sorry, Cas. For all of it. I should have pushed you out of the case a long fucking time ago.” Dean breathed in, chest shaking, and back out. Each breath seemed to break the silence and highlight Cas’s stillness. “I thought all night about this, Cas. If you… if you want me to go I’ll go. you’ll never hear from me again.”

 

He was a runner, just like Cas had said, and the itch to just go filled him again. Dean pushed back against it. Bobby was right- he had a chance here and he couldn’t risk losing Cas, especially if all he had to do was stay.

 

“I don’t know what you feel about me anymore, but I know what I feel about you. Like I miss the connection, you know? I kind of liked having a heads up on if you were mad at me or whatever.” Dean lowered his head even as a tiny laugh puffed through his lips. The tears that had stayed just inside the lids dripped out of the inner corners and down his nose. Dean let it go even as it dripped onto his jeans. His emotions had been running crazy for days, and he didn’t really trust them, but how he felt about Cas was different. He’d heard the traditional “you just know when you love someone” and had never really believed it until now. He knew on every level that he belonged with Cas, but Cas had a say in it too, and there was no telling what Cas felt after all he’d been through with Dean and Alastair.

 

“I don’t know what you feel anymore and it’s fucking terrifying,” Dean said. He looked up at Cas like he’d be able to see something here, some small reaction that would tell him that Cas heard everything and understood him, but there was no motion, no tick, nothing. “I think I know how you feel. I hope I do. I mean, I’m not running on a crazy high any more now that I’ve been on meds long enough and I still feel like… I need you. Even without that soulmate thing you have a place with me and I… I just need you, okay?”

 

Dean laid his head down on the bed next to where he clasped Cas’s hand. He pressed against Castiel’s thigh and squeezed his hand, wishing for something to pull everything together. When Cas woke up everything might change, but for now Dean laid there holding on to what he had.

 

He wasn’t sure how long he laid there like that, but it was long enough that Michael came back in.

 

“I had a text from Jimmy. He’s on his way back. If you want to stay and talk to him I’m happy to help mediate.”

 

“You think he’ll listen?” Dean asked. “‘Cause last time I hardly got a word out about what actually happened.”

 

“Maybe. I talked with him a while this morning.”

 

“I’m supposed to go back to my room for discharge anyway. Maybe ask Jimmy when he gets here,” Dean said, turning his eyes back on Cas. “And if Jimmy’s okay with it I’ll come back. Or if… if Cas wakes up and asks for me.”

 

“Of course.”

 

Dean stood up and leaned over Cas. He thought about kissing him, but touching him like that under those circumstances seemed wrong. He settled for lowering his forehead to hover just above Cas’s. “I hope you wake up and ask for me,” he whispered. “I hope you ask for me because you know you love me without the name.” Dean said and he squeezed Cas’s hand tight one last time before he went.


	19. Keep It Together

“Your numbers are continuing to drop,” Charlie said. “It looks like you’re getting back to what they were when I first saw you. We’re going to maintain this medication and work with an endocrinologist wherever you end up to make sure the levels are right for you.”

 

Wherever he ended up. That was the best way to put it really, because Dean had absolutely no clue where he was going to end up. “Am I going to lose Jimmy’s name?”

 

Charlie shrugged. “Theoretically yes. We’ll keep you at this dose until your levels are low enough to drop the name and see what happens. If you do we’ll keep you at that dosage. If not we’ll see if we can drop the numbers even farther, but I can’t let you swing too low.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“So, keep taking these meds, sleep a ton, relax, and no work for a couple weeks so you can let your body sort of settle back. The emotional stuff will fade out too. And you call me with any questions right away. Don’t wait, okay?”

 

“Sure. Thanks, Charlie.”

 

She smiled at him with a genuine look do happiness. “I’m glad to help you, Dean. I’m hoping to get my hands on some of the documentation from Alastair to see if we can sort you out a little more.” Charlie patted him on the shoulder. “I’m going down to check on Cas, but someone should be in with paperwork for your discharge in a while.”

 

“Thanks again, Charlie.”

 

Charlie left, but Ellen, Bobby and John filed in so that Dean didn’t have even a second to himself. Bobby and John were going back and forth about getting Dean back to Kansas and Ellen took up a spot on the end of Dean’s bed.

 

“Are you even going that way, Dean?” Bobby asked and Dean was forced to center his brain on present company rather than on Cas.

 

“Of course he’s going that way,” John said. “That’s home.”

 

“I don’t know yet.” Dean said, dropping his eyes to the floor. He didn’t want to get into it with John in his current state, but he wasn’t going to get pushed either.

 

“Then where would you go? Where you going to work? Who’s gonna’ watch out for you?”

 

Dean snorted at the idea. Like anyone watched out for him really. “I have a few places in mind.”

 

John’s eyes went hard under his dark brow and when he came up on the bed Dean got the same shake up his spine he used to have as a young teen when John had been drinking. He cowered back like he would have back then even though John stopped well short of touching him physically. “Your job is to get better and you need family around. You’re coming home with me.”

 

“John,” Ellen’s voice was a warning that got John to turn his head toward her and Bobby. It was going to blow up and Dean eased off the bed until his feet were on the ground. No way his dad was catching him off guard ever again.

 

“Mr. Winchester?” A chipper voice asked from the doorway. Dean hadn’t seen her before, but she wore scrubs and a nametag indicating that she was a nurse. She carried a white folder, which she laid on the little table by the bed as she began to talk about his discharge from the hospital. Dean vaguely listened to the instructions for wound care and the cast and how to follow up on all of it, but he was overly aware of John and exactly where he was in relation to him, to Bobby and to the door.

 

“Where is home?” the nurse asked and Dean stared at her blankly.

 

“What?”

 

“I assumed since you aren’t from here that you were going home. We’ll need to refer you to a doctor there to follow up on your hand.”

 

“Oh, uh… Kansas City or Lawrence, Kansas, I guess. Whatever hospital is fine.”

 

“Okay. We’ll send a referral out and someone will call you to set an appointment in the next few days.” She said more, but Bobby, Ellen and John were the ones really listening. Dean nodded along and accepted the paperwork. He could always read it later.

 

“Ready to go home?” John piped up as soon as the nurse had stepped out.

 

“No,” Dean said. “I’m gonna’ wait for Cas to wake up.”

 

John narrowed his eyes like he could see inside of Dean if he looked just right. “He’s going to be fine, Dean. I talked to the brother that drove in- he’s off the ventilator.”

 

“You can go if you want. I’ll catch up whenever Cas is awake.” Dean looked to Bobby. “Can you show me where the waiting room is?”

 

Bobby led the way and John followed at the back. Dean had his duffle over one shoulder and even that small thing was enough to wear him down. It wasn’t far down the hall, but he was definitely breathing harder after essentially laying around for the last few days. He followed Bobby close, eager to lay the bag down. He kicked it under a chair and sat down. It was only when he looked up that he realized Sam was sitting across the small room.

 

“Dean. How are you?” Sam’s voice shook as he forced a painful smile.

 

“Fine,” Dean said tersely. They had to talk, but not now. He had to get things squared away with Cas before he could even think of dealing with all the little branches of stress the situation with Alastair had created.

 

“I’m sorry for everything. I don’t know if that helps, but-”

 

Dean put his hand up and shook his head. “Sammy, it’s okay. It’s over and it’s okay.”

 

“But, Dean-”

 

“Not now, okay? Cas is-” Dean choked up and saw Bobby’s eyes on him as well as his father’s. He wasn’t even about to have that conversation or any of the others that were begging to be had. “Listen. Cas still hasn’t woken up. I’m not going anywhere until he does, so you can all just go on home and I’ll catch up to you.”

 

“Why?” John asked. “What is it about him that has you so worked up?”

 

Dean stared at him incredulously. His father had always been a little obtuse due to narcissism and alcohol, but in the moment his usual sarcasm was beyond crass. “He just about got himself killed on my account,” Dean said.

 

“And so did the girl but I didn’t once hear you saying her name while you were asleep in that hospital bed. Or the brother either.”

 

Bobby stood up the same time as Dean, but Bobby went toward John while Dean screamed irately. “Her name is Jo! And Cas’s brother is Jimmy and they both nearly fucking died because of me! And Cas is-” Everything in Dean clogged up at the same time. He couldn’t even say Cas’s name without losing it.

 

“Don’t you even start with me-” John snarled, but Sam was suddenly on his feet too and between him and Bobby they had him rushed out into the hall. Dean doubled over, hands on his knees gulping air like it was in short supply while Ellen stood helplessly.

 

“I’ll be back,” Dean said, but he grabbed his bag and threw it over his shoulder. John has his back against the wall in the hallway, Bobby and Sam both standing in front of him. Dean didn’t have to look to know his father’s eyes were burning into him

 

“You ungrateful son of a bitch!” John yelled as Dean hightailed it to the elevators. “I killed that motherfucker for you! I saved your goddamn life!”

 

Dean had no idea exactly what Bobby  yelled back in John Winchester’s face, but there would be time to imagine that when he got out on the highway. He punched the down button at the elevator and the second the doors opened, Dean barreled in.

 

“Hey, hey! What’s the hurry?” Gabriel held him back with one hand from the near head-on collision.

 

“Uh, I don’t-“ Dean stammered.

 

“You’re coming to tell me my buddy Castiel is awake? Great news.” Gabriel kept up the fake cheerfulness in his words while he grabbed Dean’s arm and pulled him down the hall the opposite way from the waiting room. “Walk with me.”

 

“It’s not what it looks like,” Dean finally mumbled.

 

“Tell me all about it then because it certainly definitely looked like you were walking out on my friend.”

 

“No. No! My dad is here and he’s-“

 

“Right. The asshole. Need me to kick him out?”

 

Dean shook his head. “I just need some space.” Like a thousand miles of it.

 

They were forced to turn around at a set of double doors requiring a security card and with every step in the other direction anxiety twisted Dean’s insides harder. There was no way to do this that didn’t end bad even on a good day and with John Winchester there were very few good days.

 

“I’ll go in first and you stay around this corner. I’ll be back for you when he’s gone, though you’ll probably be able to hear him go.”

 

Dean agreed, but he worried that if he opened his mouth at all he wouldn’t be able to control what came out. He nodded and Gabriel disappeared around the corner. Dean leaned himself against the wall and he let the bag hit the ground while he locked his legs under him. They felt like they were going to go at any minute. It was the longest time he’d been up and out of bed consecutively except for the shower and that hadn’t been near the stressful experience this was turning out to be.

 

“He’s gone, man. Security is fast here.”

 

Dean reached for his bag but Gabriel already had it.

 

It was just Sam and Ellen in there and Dean took the chair he’d intended to take originally.

 

“Where’s Bobby?”

 

“With your dad,” Ellen said. “He’ll be back up when he gets John calmed down.”

 

Gabriel thumped into the seat next to Dean and grinned at him, eyes obnoxiously wide.

 

“Sam, Ellen- this is Gabe. He works with Cas. Gabe, this is my brother Sam and Ellen is, well, she’s practically my mom.”

 

Ellen’s eyes went tender even as she tilted her head and frowned, “Don’t say that, Dean.”

 

“He’s right, Ellen,” Sam said softly, and he put an arm around her.

 

They settled quiet when Gabriel said he was going back to see how Cas was doing. Bobby came up after a while and Ellen went into the hall to talk to him, leaving Sam and his puppy dog eyes with Dean.

 

“Stop looking at me like that,” Dean practically growled. “Come sit.”

 

Sam did, but the awkwardness of the moment didn’t really move or resettle.

 

“Can you let me explain?” Sam finally asked.

 

Dean shrugged. “Sure. But it doesn’t change anything. I know this wasn’t you. It was a giant clusterfuck of manipulation and you just happened to get pulled into the bullshit. And if that’s on anyone it’s on me for not telling you anything about what happened to me while I was away.”

 

“None of this is on you, Dean.”

 

Dean glanced at the waiting room entrance. “Cas being her like this- that’s on me.”

 

“I assume that’s why you want to stay.”

 

Dean’s face heated and Sam immediately started stammering. “I’m sorry- I’m not trying to pry. You don’t have to tell me shit. Ever. You don’t even have to ever see me again-“

 

“Shut the fuck up, Sam,” Dean said. His voice was going again and his throat was clogging. What was he supposed to tell Sam? That Cas was his boyfriend? Sam already knew Dean had had relationships with men, so that was a non-issue- the real deal was how to succinctly describe Cas in a way that was accurate but didn’t sell him short. A few days before he’d had words for what they were to each other and now everything felt like a big fat question mark with far too much leaning toward the worrying end of the spectrum.

 

“Dean?” It was Bobby and the word was equal parts question and alarm.

 

“It’s nothing, Bobby,” Dean choked out. He tried to clear his throat, but tears came with it and he hunched in on himself. There was a hand on his shoulder and then a cup pressed against his lips and he drank a little before he swiped his eyes clear and shook his head. When he looked up Sam was back across the room, face curled with worry and Ellen had taken over the seat where Sam had been just a few moments earlier. She was the hand rubbing down his back and Bobby had the cup.

 

“It’s okay, Sam. It- it wasn’t you.” Dean looked up at Bobby. “Where’s dad?”

 

“Driving back to Kansas if he knows what’s good for him.” Bobby looked square into Dean’s eyes. “I told him you’d call if you felt like seeing him and if I heard he called you first I’d kick his ass.”

 

“Thanks, Bobby.” Dean said. He looked over at Sam again. “Sam, you asked about Cas. Cas is the best goddamn thing to ever happen to me.”

 

 

***

 

 

They had hours to go over it all. Dean told the story in short pieces while Sam and Ellen and Bobby listened until he got to parts where he just couldn’t say more- it hurt too much or the details were too glaring. He started again when he felt like he could talk and they listened just the same.

Gabriel came in to sit with them just as visiting hours came to a close. “You’re Cas’s brother, okay?”

 

“What?” Dean asked, just as someone from the hospital staff walked in.

“Visitor hours are over for the evening aside from immediate family,” she announced. “You’re welcome to come back tomorrow at 10 a.m.” She stayed long enough to watch Ellen, Bobby and Sam get to their feet and then looked askance at Dean and Gabriel.

“Our brother is in there,” Gabriel said as he threw an arm around Dean’s shoulders. Dean nodded weakly. As soon as the lady disappeared he shrugged Gabriel off.

“She’s going to know,” Dean said.

“Castiel’s nurse is Hannah, and Hannah apparently really likes you. Or Cas. Or you and Cas together. I don’t know. She’s his nurse overnight and thought you should be allowed to stay.”

Bobby, Ellen and Sam hugged Dean in turn and promised to be back first thing. Dean took up residence on one of the couches after they left. It was far too short for him, but it was better than trying to sleep upright in a chair. Sleep was intermittent at best, and when he did doze off every bit of his brain featured Cas in such a way that he tried to stay awake. Dreaming about a future with Cas while there was no guarantee of that left him raw and on the verge of tears.

Charlie had promised him that the emotional rollercoaster would end once his amoramine levels were stabilized and he was looking forward to the day when he didn’t cry so goddamn much. For now he lay curled up on himself on the couch. Dean measured it all again- how much of his feelings for Cas were a longing for the link they’d had? How much was wishing for the relationship they’d experienced over the time they’d know each other? How much was that he just flat out wanted Cas?

It was all about Cas.

And that was terrifying. He’d meant every word in that room earlier. Dean knew Cas couldn’t really understand, but it had been good to get it out. At least he’d said it. It was out there in the world that he loved the man lying in that bed no matter how Cas felt about him. When he woke up Dean planned to say nothing and just let it go how it would. There would be injuries to discuss and probably therapy. He’d have to talk to the FBI about his experience, and that trauma alone… there were too many things regarding Cas’s recovery that had to come first long before feeling out a relationship between the two of them.

Someone shuffled through the doorway and when Dean saw it was Jimmy he sat up fast.

“Hey.” Jimmy said curtly and sat across from Dean. He folded his hands together like he was praying with fingers interlaced and he kept his eyes there.

“You should know he’s awake and seems to be lucid,” Jimmy said. “The doctor is with him and Michael now. He-” Jimmy pursed his lips together and emotion spilled over his face. The display was so unlike Cas that Dean found it a little easier to separate the two. “He asked for you first.”

“Yeah?” Dean’s voice had gone foggy again.

“He wanted to know if you were alive.” Jimmy hesitated like the next words were going to be painful. “He asked for me too, but he doesn’t believe me that you’re okay. He wants to see you for himself if you’ll come with me.”

Dean was on his feet before he could get any words formed in his head. Of course he’d go. Cas needed him. He needed Cas.

He stopped short of leaving the room. He was rushing in, emotional, hopeful- and Cas wasn’t even back to himself yet.

“Are you coming?” Jimmy asked impatiently.

“Is it going to mess him up if I go in there?” Dean asked softly. “I don’t want to hurt him.”

Jimmy’s forehead wrinkled and he came back to the doorway where Dean stood. “Look, I’m sorry about what I said. You’re not- you’re not bad for Cas or whatever. I-“ He hung his head and for a minute Dean thought Jimmy was going to lose it. “This whole thing is just nuts. I mean, I got fucking kidnapped and my brother has been laying here in the hospital for days and my daughter is going to a lab tomorrow morning to start trying to figure out what the fuck that guy did to her. And you- Michael said this has been your whole life for, like, years.”

“Pretty much,” Dean said.

“So I’m sorry. It was too much to take in all at once, and I treated you like the enemy and… and you’re not. I’m a hothead sometimes, but I know when to apologize.”

There was sincerity in Jimmy’s eyes when Dean looked up that so echoed Cas that Dean ached for him. “Thanks, Jimmy.”

Jimmy nodded and led the way down the hall.

The curtain was still drawn over the windows into Cas’s room, but Jimmy pushed the door open and Dean stepped through after him. A doctor in a white coat was talking with Cas, but the second Dean came into view Cas’s eyes darted to him and he sat up straight.

“Dean. You’re alright.”

Dean nodded. He didn’t trust himself to say anything. All the small muscles in his face were transpiring to give him away, but he stubbornly clenched his jaw shut to hold it all together.

They stared at each other for a long moment, the room stiff and still around them.

“We’re about done here, Castiel,” the doctor said. “More tests, more labs, but we’ll get to those later. You try to sleep in between it all.”

Cas nodded, his eyes never leaving Dean’s face.

The doctor left and then Michael clapped Jimmy on the shoulder. “Let’s go get a cup of coffee. See if we can track down Gabriel.”

They were gone then and it was just the two of them. Dean felt like the room would explode with the right word.

“Are you… are we…?” Cas’s gaze faltered for the first time and Dean stepped forward without a thought, but then stopped himself as he started to reach for Cas.

“We don’t have the bond anymore,” Dean said suddenly.

Cas laid back on the bed. He looked exhausted and pale. His eyes danced over Dean’s face and even in the midst of his fatigue his eyes were that calming deep blue that said more than either of them ever could out loud.

“It feels empty,” Cas said.

“I know.” Dean stood there awkwardly. He itched to reach for Cas even just to touch his hand so he could feel connected again. “Are you- are you okay?” Dean asked. “They took you away from me at the house and…” Dean blinked. Should he have said that?

“He’s dead, right? It’s over?” Cas asked. Dean nodded and Cas closed his eyes.

“Are we?” Dean rasped. He’d meant to control himself, really he did, but he had to know. “I mean, Cas- I love you. My numbers are going down so it’s not the amoramine talking. And I wanted to be here with you. But Jimmy- I mean-“

“I know. I heard you.” Cas’s lips spread in that sideways half smile of his. “When Michael let you in. I-I heard you.” He looked Dean in the eye. “You were bent over me and you told me to ask for you when I woke up. “ Cas reached for him, but Dean just stared at the hand offered. “Michael said it wasn’t a dream,” Cas confirmed. “I’m okay, Dean. You are too, I think.”

“Yeah,” Dean breathed a little easier, but his heart was still beating wild.

“Yeah.” Cas echoed him. “Please?” he asked and he put his hand out again.

Den stared dry-mouthed. He just wanted it to be right. He took Cas’s hand, gently at first, then twisted their hands to their fingers could link.

“When do you get out of here?” Cas asked.

“Technically I’m free to go.”

“Then why are you here?”

“For real, Cas? You have to ask me that?”

Cas closed his eyes in a long blink and his head rolled to one side before he opened them again. “I thought we both understood this. You needed me for a while and then I needed you back and now- you’re free from all that.”

“No, Cas. This isn’t a hormone thing. This is me looking at life without you and saying I don’t want that.”

“You think that because of how I made you feel before. Let it wear off, Dean. It’s okay. You go back to Kansas and I’ll go back to Pontiac. Maybe we run into each other again sometime and see what happens.”

“Cas, don’t do this.” Dean’s eyes burned as he begged. His voice was already raw from the day and tears stole the rest. “It’s not like that. I know we’re not soulmates and goddamn it it was so much easier knowing at least your mood or whatever. But I don’t need it to be easy. I need it to be you.”

For a long agonizing minute Dean was positive that Cas was going to kick him out, or worse- try to take back what had happened between them as a sort of hormonal freak accident. But then Cas squeezed Dean’s fingers just enough to be noticed and the hint of a smile returned to his lips. “I love you without the name,” Cas said weakly. “I just don’t know if we can keep it together.”

“Can we at least try?” Dean asked.

Cas nodded. “Please.”

Dean moved in closer finally and Cas tried to move over on the bed but groaned with the attempt. Dean leaned over him, foreheads nearly touching. “You did hear me, didn’t you?”

Cas grinned and even with exhaustion and bruises written all over his face he was gorgeous. “A little,” he admitted. “The best part probably.”

 

 


	20. More than a Mark

Dean sat at the end of the bar farthest from everyone else. It was slow because it was barely late afternoon and no one would ask after him for awhile. Bobby had let him cut out early after the shitty day they’d had at the shop and Sam wasn’t expecting to meet up with him for a few hours. He had an excuse ready for whenever Sam got around to calling him, giving him another solid twelve hours before anyone realized he had actually left- maybe even more if Bobby didn’t check in with him right away in the morning. He’d be long gone by then.

 

He should have known this would happen. In fact, Dean would have been prepared for it if they hadn’t been told it was fucking impossible. But then Cas had known just as long as he did and he hadn’t called either. Three weeks Cas had been gone on this case and six days since Dean’d had anything more than a text from him. More than twenty-four hours since the last text, even.

 

So this is what it was going to come down to. Dean should have fucking known.

  
  


**TWO YEARS EARLIER**

 

“Damn it, Cas. Slow up. You’re still practically in pieces.”

 

“Catch up then.” Cas glared down the sidewalk at Dean, who slammed the driver’s side door of the Impala and returned the glare just as hard.

 

“I’m just trying to make you feel better about yourself,” Dean said.

 

“And it has nothing to do with how you’re practically in pieces yourself?”

 

Dean huffed in protest as he caught up on the sidewalk. He casually caught Cas’s hand in his and wove their fingers together as they started again down the pavement. “You’ve been out of the hospital a week. You’re supposed to be taking it easy.”

 

Cas rolled his eyes and kept walking like none of it affected him, but the couple of stairs to climb up to the front porch told a different story. Michael had the door open for them before they reached the top step and he smiled broadly at them, catching Dean’s eye after Cas was through the door. Claire was the first to latch on to Cas and direct him to the living room, but Anna,  Amelia, and Jimmy were there too along with several officers Dean recognized from the precinct- most noticeably Zachariah with his beady eyes and unrelenting scowl.

 

It was strange looking at Cas with Claire. He smiled wide as she talked and laughed full out for her in a way Dean had never seen, gums showing and eyes crunched. She talked to him with the earnestness that a child her age has for serious topics like pets and favorite toys, and he looked at her like she was the very best thing in the world.

 

“She loves him a lot.” Amelia had worked her way over to him without his notice and she smiled when Dean looked her. “We haven’t actually met. I’m Amelia.”

 

Dean didn’t know exactly what to say, but settled on “I’m really sorry.” At least that covered most of what had to be said between them.

 

“You didn’t cause any of this,” she said, eyes back to her daughter. “I hate to bring this up, but if you’re still willing I would like to do the paternity testing.”

 

“Of course. I told Jimmy I would.”

 

“Jimmy doesn’t want to do it. But Cas says you wouldn’t try to take Claire from us.”

 

“I swear to god I wouldn’t,” Dean insisted. “She’s your daughter- you and Jimmy’s.” She was. Claire was built like a miniature Amelia with the same smile and light to her eyes, but Cas said there were a few qualities about her that could be attributed to Dean or Jimmy.

 

“Thank you,” Amelia said. “I feel like I just need to know since she might need treatment for it as she gets older. I’d rather know now I guess.”

 

Cas turned and winked at Dean, waving him over.

 

“Better go,” Amelia said. “Neither of them are very patient.” She moved on to Jimmy across the room and Dean went to sit next to Cas.

 

“This is my boyfriend Dean,” Cas told Claire. Dean felt his cheeks heat just as much from the description as from Claire’s bright smile. Cas’s stay at the hospital once he’d woken up had given them a lot of quiet time to talk and one thing they’d decided very firmly was to be honest- to say what they were, to say how they felt and not to let time waste dithering back and forth about what were ultimately small things. Dean said a soft hello to her and she threw her arms around him. Dean hugged her back, uncertainty clawing his insides, but then he felt Cas’s hand on his knee and he could breath again.

  
  


**PRESENT**

 

Sam called twenty minutes after they were supposed to meet up- just about when Dean thought he would. He was already home and packing.

 

“Where are you, man?”

 

“Sorry. I must have crashed after work.” Dean grabbed a few more shirts out of the drawer for his bag and reached under the bed for tennis shoes.

 

“You sound terrible.”

 

“I just woke up, asshole.” Dean propped the phone between his chin and shoulder as he added jeans to the bag.

 

“Okay. Well, I guess I’ll head home and call Sarah.”

 

Sarah was new- the first girl Sam had dated since Madison left him after everything came out about Ruby. She was good for Sam, but she didn't know everything yet and that made Dean nervous.

 

“Sorry, Sammy. I can be there in ten.” Dean could probably be there in five, but he planned to be heading the other direction by then.

 

“No, it’s okay. Hey- when does Cas get back?”

 

“Uh… I don’t know. Couple days.”

 

“You don’t know the exact day? Are you sick? You always have a countdown going.”

 

“I’m just tired,” Dean insisted. “Friday, I think.”

 

“Okay. Well, you guys should have dinner with Sarah and me after he gets settled back at home.”

 

“Right. I’ll call you.”

 

“Dean.”

 

Dean sighed. But if he didn’t play nice enough Sam would get nosy and stop by. “What, Sammy?”

 

“What’s wrong really?”

 

For a moment Dean wanted to say everything. It had already welled up in his chest and threatened to spill out, but he swallowed hard. “I must be getting sick or something. I don’t know.”

 

Sam sighed. “Okay, well. Call me in the morning, I guess. Let me know you’re alright.”

 

Dean agreed, but he wouldn’t. He threw the phone down on the bed after Sam hung up and zipped the bag closed. He wasn’t taking much, but enough that he wouldn’t have to stop until he wanted to.

  
  


**18 MONTHS EARLIER**

 

He woke up screaming Cas’s name and fighting the hands on him until he realized the hands belonged to Cas. It was Cas that held his face in his hands and kissed him while tears streaked his cheeks.

 

“I’m here, Dean,” Cas whispered into his skin. Dean clutched at him, begging him not to leave.

 

“I’ll always be here,” Cas said with more confidence than Dean had ever felt about anything. He settled them back into the bed and pressed Dean to his bare chest. After a while Cas’s chest rose and fell with the evenness of slumber and his fingers twitched against Dean’s skin every so  often. Dean couldn’t get back to sleep again as easily as Cas. He traced the pink scar on Cas’s chest- the large W he had earned for his involvement in the Winchester case. The firm pink lines would fade but never disappear. Whenever Cas caught Dean looking at the mark he would brush it off and say it was nothing. The line that had been cut through Dean’s previous mark was also a neat line, but much easier to brush off as a surgical scar.

 

Cas caught Dean’s fingers. “Stop thinking about it,” he muttered as he pressed them to his lips. “It’s all over.”

 

“I can’t.” Dean admitted.

 

“Let me make you forget?” Cas asked, his tongue slow with sleep, and Dean chuckled.

 

“You think you can?” Dean lifted his head as he teased and Cas rolled to face him. He kissed him softly, deeply, working an arm under Dean’s body at the same time. He spread his hand flat on Dean’s back and pressed their bodies together. Dean relaxed into him, opening for Cas’s tongue and humming against him. Cas’s hands, the scent of him, the way they moved together- he needed Cas in a way he had never needed anyone, and while that had been frightening at first, now it was reassuring. They both knew exactly how much they needed each other and that only helped to settle the feeling in Dean’s chest. It was real. All of it was real.

 

Dean moaned Cas’s name as Cas worked over his body, down his throat and over his nipples, light kisses across the ribs and gentle nips at his stomach. Cas moved lower and Dean groaned at the first touch of Cas’s tongue to his dick. He buried his fingers in Cas’s dark hair, not to guide him, but to follow along with Cas’s movements. Cas pressed a palm against Dean’s heart like he was holding him down, but they both knew what a touch meant there. They were more than a mark to each other. This real and tangible thing between them was what mattered. Dean layered his hand over Castiel’s and held them together as he came.

 

“Sleep,” Cas whispered after he nuzzled up Dean’s body and settled himself into Dean’s side.

 

“Le’ me take care… you…” Dean slurred into Cas’s hair.

 

“Later,” Cas said and they both slept.

  
  


**PRESENT**

 

Dean had been on the road almost half an hour in the rain when his cell buzzed, lighting up with Cas’s name. He answered out of habit before he realized what he was doing and then silently cursed himself for the action.

 

“Hey, Cas.” He forced his voice normal.

 

“You’re not at home.”

 

“Uh… no. Driving to meet Sam for drinks.”

 

“Can you come home instead?”

 

“Are you at home?” Dean’s heart sped up at the thought. They must have barely missed each other.

 

“I am.”

 

“Uh, well Sam is really looking forward to it.” It was ridiculous and stupid to say, but it was out there and there was no reeling it back in. Cas was silent on the other end long enough that Dean almost gave in. He sucked in a wavering breath.

 

“Sorry, Cas.” He said it like that would be enough for either of them, but as soon as they slipped out tears flooded his face.

 

“Don’t do this,” Cas said. He didn’t beg, he didn’t cry, but his voice broke on the end like he’d meant to say more and couldn’t.

 

Dean pulled over and parked. He had to breath, and he could hear Cas coaching him from the other end. He shouldn’t be. He should hang up and move on- stop worrying about Dean and find someone real.

  
  


**EIGHT MONTHS EARLIER**

 

“I never get tired of this,” Cas said into Dean’s shoulder.

 

“Of course not. I’m awesome,” Dean grinned up at him and Cas kissed him, playfully at first, but then let his tongue trail along the line where their lips met until Dean let him in.

 

“Not you. Us,” Cas said.

 

“Well, we’re awesome.”

 

Cas hummed against him. “You’re missing the point.”

 

“Then tell me the goddamn point, Cas.”

 

Cas smiled at him- the half-smile he’d perfected and Dean loved more than anything. “The goddamn point is that I want to marry you.”  
  


Dean laughed but then pushed himself up to sitting when he realized Cas was serious. “What?”

 

Cas sat up with him. “Don’t you think it’s time? We live together, neither of us is going anywhere. Plus I really think you’d make an excellent Novak.” He smiled and leaned back on his palms.

 

“Cas…” Dean’s voice went suddenly hoarse. “When?”

 

“Whenever you want. If you want to, I mean. You haven’t exactly said yes yet.”

 

“Can we do it now? Like this week?” Dean asked.

 

Cas tipped his head to the side with that curious look and squint he did all the time before they’d come to know each other so well, but then he sat up straight and pressed his forehead to Dean’s. “Is that a yes?” he whispered.

 

“Absolutely yes,” Dean said.

  
  


**PRESENT**

 

Headlights flashed behind him and someone got out in the rain. Dean whispered to himself the moment he saw that car door open and he was simultaneously relieved and horrified when the driver’s side door pulled open and it was Sam. Not Cas.

 

Dean slid across for him anyway.

  
Sam took Dean’s cell out of his hand and put it to his ear. “I’ve got him now, Cas.”

 

Dean thunked his head against the door frame on the passenger side and closed his eyes. They sat still in the car for a few minutes and when Dean opened his eyes to see what was going on the headlights behind them were gone.

 

“Who drove you?” Dean’s words came out bitter even though he didn’t mean it that way. Everything about the entire day was wrong.

 

“Sarah. And save it, okay? I didn’t tell her anything about you. Where do you want to go?”

 

“I don’t know. Just drive maybe.”

 

Sam drove nowhere in particular, but he avoided any route that looked like it might lead back to Dean and Cas’s place. Dean appreciated his brother more for that small favor.

 

“Were you not sleeping again? Those night terror things? You should stay with me or Bobby and Ellen whenever Cas goes out of town.”

 

Dean sat quiet, watching watery lights go by through the windows..

 

“Tell me why this time is so much worse than the others,” Sam said. “Tell me why Cas was practically crying on the phone when he called me.”

 

“Probably because I’m leaving.” Dean felt the punch as bad as Sam did when he said the words out loud and he felt sick the second they left his mouth.

 

“Dean you can’t... why... I don’t understand.” Sam faltered through it all, but kept his eyes carefully trained on the wet road.

 

“We’re better like this.”

 

“I’m sorry- what the fuck did you just say? Because it sounded like you just said you and Cas are better off apart than together.”

 

Dean gritted his teeth together, ready for Sam to let loose. He’d lecture for awhile then sigh loudly and abandon the cause once he’d gotten through all his bluster.

 

“Dean, you and Cas are one of the best actual couples I know. Like you really love each other. You can’t tell me you’ve been faking or whatever.”

 

“Fuck you, Sam.”

 

“If you’re not going to talk I’m driving you back home to Cas.”

 

“Don’t do that!” Panic edged into his voice and he knew Sam heard it too because his shoulders slumped and when he turned at the next intersection is was to go farther from the apartment.

 

“Then tell me what’s really going on because this makes no fucking sense.” Sam finally said.

 

Dean pulled the collar of his shirt down so Sam could read the words. Sam glanced over a couple times until he got it. “No way.”

 

“I’m not doing it to him, Sam. Don’t make me.”

 

“Dean, you need to talk to Cas about this, you know? You’re worried sure, but he loves you. You know that.”

 

“Sam…” Dean’s voice shook along with his chin, and the breath he pulled in whistled past his teeth. “He hasn’t called me. He knows and he hasn’t said a damn word.”

 

“Maybe he was waiting for you to say something first.”

 

“Why would he?”

 

“I don’t know. But you have to talk to him. That’s what you’re supposed to do when you love someone.”

 

Dean sniffed and swiped a hand down his face. He hadn’t missed the tearfulness from hormones gone awry. “On the phone then. I can’t be in the same room as him.”

  
  


**TWO MONTHS EARLIER**

 

“What exactly do you mean the medication isn’t working any more?” Dean demanded.

 

Charlie shrugged. Her face was sympathetic, but it didn’t make the truth of the situation any easier to take. “Basically your body has had enough of this medication for so long that it isn’t as effective any more. I’ve been watching the trend in your labs and it’s time to call it what it is. Your body is starting to override the drug. This happens fairly frequently with maintenance medications. I had hoped you’d get a little longer until a new drug comes on the market to treat it.”

 

“There’s nothing else available?” Cas asked.

 

“Not yet, but hopefully soon. I’d love to say I could get you into a drug trial but your case is unique and they need more average patients in those kinds of trials.”

 

It had been just about two years since they last sat in her Chicago office talking about Dean’s strange chemistry the very first time and Dean had hoped not to be back any time soon. But his doctor in Kansas City had insisted they make the trip to see Charlie since she was the one with the giant files and research covering Dean fully.

 

“So what am I supposed to do, Charlie?” Dean asked.

 

“Well, keep taking your medicine for now and we’ll keep doing your lab draws, but I’d like to increase them to monthly rather than every three months. If you generate a name you let your doctor know and let me know and we’ll figure something out.”

 

“It’ll be okay, Dean.” Cas put an arm around Dean’s shoulders, but it didn’t have its usual calming effect.

 

Dean shook his head. “I don’t think so, Cas.”

 

“Why? What are you worried about?”

 

“You’re going to be fine with me rotating names again?”

 

The little muscle in Cas’s jaw jerked- the one that usually meant he was frustrated. “They don’t mean anything. We both know that.”

 

“But, Cas-”

 

“Dean?” How Cas could so consistently pack so much passion and concern into one word baffled Dean.

 

“I don’t want to hurt you, alright?” Dean mumbled.

 

Cas pressed a warm hand over Dean’s previous mark, his wedding ring flashing in the light. “Nothing you can produce there is going to hurt me,” he said. “You have to trust me, okay?”

 

Dean nodded, unable to really talk. He had been the confident one when he and Cas left the hospital together after everything was said and done with Alastair. Over time, however, Cas was the one that kept them together. It wasn’t that Dean doubted his love for Cas, but as time moved on and Dean triggered over the smallest things or woke Cas night after night with horrific dreams it seemed to Dean like he got all the benefit of the relationship and Cas was stuck with a giant pile of shit. And now to be told that one of the few things that had been keeping at least one problem at bay was failing? Dean couldn’t find anything right with that. Cas’s kind words were painful. He asked for trust, and while Dean trusted Cas with his life, he couldn’t trust him to see straight when it was an issue involving Dean.

 

No, Dean would have to be the one to spare Cas because Cas wouldn’t save himself and he vowed to do it when the time came.

  
  


**PRESENT**

 

“Hi,” Cas’s voice came deep over the phone, but thicker than usual.

 

“I can’t come home, Cas.” Dean said.

 

“Yeah, you can.”

 

“It will ruin everything.”

 

“Either way it changes nothing, Dean. Come home.”

 

“I can’t…” Dean ground his knuckles against his eye and the headache building up behind it. “Cas, I can’t hurt you.”

 

“It won’t, but you going like this is killing me, okay? Come home. Don’t worry about this. We don’t need a mark to say what we are for each other. You told me that first, remember? You made me believe it.”

 

Dean kept the phone to his ear but he didn’t say anything. He could tell Sam was driving him home- he and Cas seemed insistent on ending everything right then.

 

“Cas, if it doesn’t connect us, what am I supposed to do?”

 

“What we’ve been doing this whole time, Dean.”

 

“You’re telling me I’m going to come home with your name on my chest and we aren’t going to connect and you’re going to be fucking fine with that? Because if I love you and you love me we should connect, right? That’s how it works. And when you see me and it doesn’t happen you’re going to be just fine with that thing telling you I don’t love you enough to connect?”

 

“Dean.” Oh, Cas… That deep, centering voice made Dean breathe in and back out. “Come home.”

 

Dean breathed heavy in the phone until he could catch up enough to say anything. “Okay.”

 

It was just a minute later that Sam had him at the front door of the building, but it felt like an eternity where Dean could see every raindrop fall. What the fuck was he supposed to say when he got there? He wanted to have something ready, but his brain flooded with all the possibilities- _I’m sorry; I’ll move out; I swear I love you; I can go..._

 

“I’ll get the car back to you tomorrow,” Sam said. “Or you and Cas can come pick it up.”

 

“Sure,” Dean said.

 

“Hey- really talk to him okay? Don’t go monosyllabic. And call me if you need me. I can come right back.”

 

Dean ducked his head as Sam spoke. He already knew he was going to fuck it up. There wasn’t really any need for a pep talk. “Okay,” he said as he pushed the door open.  

 

Cas was waiting outside for him, and Dean hadn’t even gotten the car door closed before Cas was holding his face and kissing him.

 

“Cas, do you feel it-” Dean started as soon as he could break away from Cas’s lips.

 

“I know you love me,” Cas said.

 

“But-”

 

“Stop, okay?” Rain pushed Cas’s hair down into his face, curling the ends. “Listen to me. I love you. I’m with you now because I love you. I married you because I love you. Do you hear me?”

 

Dean looked down. “Cas, please don’t say that.” He breathed, and his chest rose to meet Cas’s. He wanted to push back and walk away, but even the thought left him shaking. “I know you love me and I know I love you. I finally have your damn name on my chest and I still can’t get it to work. Just more fucking proof that I’m-”

 

“There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Don’t say any of that in front of me ever again. Do you hear me?” Cas asked again, softer this time. He tipped Dean’s face up til their eyes met and he could plead with that blue depth.

 

“The name’ll go away,” Dean said.

 

“Do you need it?” Cas asked. “Because I don’t. You already match me without the mark.”

 

Heat moved through Dean as he fought back tears. Whether it was just the hormone thing or something real going on he didn’t know, but goddamn it- every time he thought things were getting better something happened and knocked him on his ass.

 

“I want it to work,” Dean whispered and Cas kissed him hard.

 

“It’s okay. I love you either way. Do you hear me?” Cas asked again.

 

Water clung to Cas’s eyelashes, sticking them together in spike over his blue eyes. He looked at Dean like he was everything and Dean thought maybe this time he could really believe what Cas had to say.

 

“I hear you, Cas,” he said.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to the early adopters of this story who picked up the concept in the first few chapters and went along with it when I called it a soulmate AU even though it has very little to do with the typical happy soulmate trope. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who left a comment. I'm so curious about what you think now that the fic is complete. Every word has been an encouragement to keep writing- even if you accused me of trying to kill you on occasion.
> 
> And if you’re coming to this work now that it’s finished, thank you to you too- thanks for reading. I always love to hear what you think even long after a fic is complete.
> 
> If you have any questions about the fic let me know. If I get enough I’ll add a Q&A “chapter”.
> 
> I have two more long fics in the works and a few other upcoming short stories. If you want to make sure to catch those you can subscribe here on AO3 or you can come say hi on [tumblr](http://www.tellthenight.tumblr.com)). I post everything I write both places.


End file.
